Monday, April 7, 2008

2-month musings, continued

Four: My relationship is about to end

And I don't know how to do it. I don't really even know if I should. My Sir has been wonderful to me in so many ways, he has given me many gifts, even some he isn't aware of. He adores and admires me. He was the perfect choice for my first Master. But. But. But...

He is married, as I said, and I have a problem with that. Even if I didn't have a moral issue with it, our time together is very limited, and I don't find that what we have online/by phone is enough to hold me to him as tightly as either of us would like. Even the limited time we have, is at the expense of my work, and that can't go on.

Some of the things we do together -- I love. I love when he ties me up, for example. But other things I don't love so much, and he doesn't seem to be able to tell the difference, even when I say it directly.

I also feel I need to explore more, not get too settled too quickly. Here is where the freedom he gives me works both for and against him: To some extent, I am able to explore with others. But when I do, I feel my bond with him eroding. That is the against. But the for - I probably wouldn't have committed to him at all without this freedom, and because he's been so generous, I feel bound to him, grateful, and guilty about thinking of leaving him. And I don't want to hurt him.

Udi (my Dom friend) has suggested taking a complete time out. He feels I've thrown myself into this way too fast, and that I am the source of all my own stress. I feel my job has a lot to do with that, LOL, but it doesn't make him wrong.

Anyway, no major conclusions, right now. Just a lot of thoughts.


selkie said...

Hi there ... followed you here through Fetlife .. and am just catching up on your musings. Just want to say something quickly here - you mention he doesn't listen even when you say so DIRECTLY - NOT ok - in the Kink world as in the Vanilla world (actually more so in some respects becuase of the increased possiblity of being physically or emotionally or spiritualy damaaged) - NO MEANS NO.

A conscientious Dom would NEVER ignore a sub or bottom's no.

Vestri said...

Hi Selkie - nice to see you here :)

I guess I wasn't clear what I meant. My Sir would NEVER ignore me, or disregard if I say "no" (I never have had reason to say it, though :) He just doesn't "get" what I really like and don't like. And I'm not even necessarily referring to physical acts.

So if I say "I didn't like X or Y", and the next time we meet he says, "We're going to do X and Y" and I'm not excited by it, and then he's disappointed... But I told him I wasn't. That's the type of 'not listening' I meant. He really wants me to be happy. But he sometimes misses the mark.