Monday, November 10, 2008

I did it!

It took me a while, and a lot of thinking, and talking about it...

But in the end I realized: I knew all along that I wanted to take the next step with Mr. C. Whatever it was... I just needed to get comfortable with the idea.

I never did warm up to the term consideration, but in my discussions with him it became clear he wasn't tied to the word. What he wanted was the commitment -- a definition of a new stage in the relationship, that isn't the "whole" thing yet. In other words -- no collar, but a public announcement that I am under his care, tutelage, protection... That I am his sub.

It was mine to ask for, and I did need to ask.

So when I realized that the decision had been made, the discussions had been had, the clarifications made (not all was made clear, lol... part of what was made clear was simply that I am jumping in the pool without testing that there is water... That I need to trust him, and I don't need to know everything). Anyway, when all that had been determined, I wrote a letter expressing my thoughts and feelings about the development of our relationship, and asking him to give me permission to write in my profile (rough translation):

I have placed the keys to the kingdom in the hands of Cheetah. From today, he is the master who leads me and tests me and protects me and enables me and helps me to develop and grow, to reach my rightful place.

The place where I belong.

The surface meaning of the words is pretty clear, but behind each word was a thought and significance from our many conversations of what it means to him, to me, to submit. And that is why I was able to eliminate the term consideration... He understood what I did, I understood what he wanted, and I believe we are both satisfied :)

It hasn't been entirely easy, but I'm happy!