Saturday, March 21, 2009


So much has happened.

After my last post, it became clear to me that for whatever reason, I'm not able to disengage from this relationship. So I threw myself into it even more. Committed myself like never before. Even now I can't say why, exactly. Why I was so sure there was something of such supreme value for me to gain from it, or if I was addicted, or weak...

We actually entered a sort of honeymoon period... Which was fantastic for a while. But unsurprisingly, it didn't last. And I became very unhappy again, and it became clearer and clearer that I would have to end it. But still didn't have the strength. I kept pulling in that direction, and not quite getting there. He kept on holding on to me. Until he didn't hold on anymore.

And now it's over.

At first I was happy and relieved. It was a difficult adjustment: I had moved in, and moving back was challenging, and I had removed myself from habits and friends... But it felt right.

Then the depression hit, so I went to Argentina on holiday. I really needed to get away, and I also knew that if I stayed we'd end up seeing each other again, and that didn't feel right. He's the type of man who can't be alone for more than a minute and a half, and I didn't want to be in the middle of all that.

But when I came back from Argentina, I was so sad. And I really missed him. And he really missed me. So now we're doing that dance of seeing each other, but not getting back together. It's emotionally draining. One minute it's amazing -- better than the actual relationship ever was. The next it's the lowest of the lows. And I am in no shape to really handle that.

What is it that makes me unable to disconnect? Is it him? Is it the d/s stuff, am I addicted? Am I weak? Hungry for love? An emotional masochist?

I am so disappointed, in him, in myself... I don't really think that in the end I got from the relationship most of what I came into it for. What I worked so hard for. I'm sure I got a lot out of it, and when the clouds clear up I'll really appreciate it.

But right now things just suck.