I haven't been here much lately.
Not because I don't have what to write, life truly has been a roller coaster ride.
Mostly because I don't really have the time.
Don't have the energy.
Am not clear on what I want to say.
Today, I'm feeling sad and doubtful. Not for the first time.
I'm feeling a strong urge to run, to end things, to say "fuck it, this just isn't me" and stop trying.
I don't know if my urge is from the true places in my heart, or from my fears. If it is the first -- I should run! And no matter what I feel I am giving up in the process, which is A LOT. If it is the second, I need to understand where my fears come from, and deal with them. Eliminate them. Because they are getting in the way.
I'm probably not going to be able to be truly clear on what is bothering me, what the situation is. Because it's complicated, and emotional, and very much related to things in my psyche that I can't easily express.
But here are some highlights:
- My master is an alcoholic. He is a very high-functioning alcoholic... No Jekyll/Hyde stuff, no missed work, no general destructiveness... But when things happen or discussions take place, or decisions need to be made, it makes a difference, even if sometimes a subtle one. And this isn't something I can change. No words or actions from me will make him stop drinking. He needs to get there himself, so he will or he won't when he decides it's time, if ever.
I just need to decide if I can live with this.
- Nature of the relationship: This isn't a pure d/s situation. We practically live together. We entertain (vanilla) friends together. We cook and clean and hang out with the kids. For all intents and purposes, we are a couple. BUT. He won't have ANY of that. He is in dread of being part of a couple, as he ended a very intense, deep, long-term relationship just before I met him. So on one hand, there is development of an emotional relationship and living an everyday life of a relationship... But I can't have a discussion that even sounds like it assumes the existence of a relationship. Because then his resistence kicks in, and I get a kick in the ass.
I don't do well with "pretend". I don't do well when my emotions are involved to this extent, but I can't express and protect and develop them. He hints to me, and sometimes more than hints, that it is just a matter of time, that I need to be patient. That the key to building and recognizing that relationship is my submission. But all this pretense interferes with my submission. To the point of erasing it completely.
- Switching. He defines himself as a switch. But he isn't really. Mentally, he is 100% dom. But he likes to be topped, physically. He wants me to do the topping. I'm learning that place, I have it in me. But it puts me in dom mode, and also interferes with my submission. Also, there are only so many hours in a day or week that can be devoted to sex and/or play, and right now they are primarily spent in that situation -- me topping him. So that interferes with my submission, and also comes at a cost of me getting what I need here. I really do need to be topped, it's what I got involved in this lifestyle for.
- Polyamory. When I met him, I knew he was poly. It didn't bother me, because I wasn't intending on getting involved in a relationship with him (same with the alcoholism). When the relationship began to intensify, he told me it shouldn't matter, because he really only has one sub, and everything else is "smelling the roses along the way". But now, he has another sub. I really didn't sign up for this. I don't mind a "visitor" now and then, but this is another relationship. Clearly not as close, not as deep, not as intense as ours. But it continually grows and develops, as relationships do. It isn't just someone who comes over to play.
He says it has nothing to do with me, it doesn't affect my place with him, that I really shouldn't mind it at all. But I do mind it. I don't like being part of a harem.
On the positive side, the reason I entered this relationship, is that Cheetah, my dom and master, is the first person -- EVER -- who saw into me. Really saw into me. He brings out things in me that I didn't think I ever could. He provides me with warmth, and love, and excitement, and fun. He's an amazing person, and I feel that I was put on this path for a reason. For two reasons, actually.
One, submission. I never really really submitted before. I played at submission, and mostly just bottomed, physically. In my profile at FetLife, for example, I changed my status from sub to bottom, because I didn't really feel I was a sub when it came down to it. But Cheetah brings it out in me, gives me a glimpse of what can be in that place, and allows me to recognize that I do want to be there, to truly submit.
Obviously, I'm not there yet.
The second, is a concept I'm not sure how to say in English. It exists in Kabbalah, if anyone wants to look it up... Tikkun. Tikkun means to "fix" something. It doesn't have to be something actually broken -- it can be an improvement, growth, awakening, enlightenment... All kinds of stuff, that often another person, event or relationship can trigger. I think Cheetah has a special skill, magical almost, of seeing where people act from, what their deeper motivations are, what is in their mind and soul, and he knows how to lead from that place. I'm not with him for psychotherapy, that isn't the point. But he has something to offer that I want. He sees my insides, and sees my potential, and sees where I've been, and where I can go... No one ever has before, I'm not sure anyone ever will again. It is a truly rare gift. So this is part of what I don't want to give up on.
So the bottom line is all about submission. I want to, don't know if I can. I want to truly submit to HIM, but don't really know if I can trust him. I do, about 98% of the time. But those extra 2% seem to be pretty crucial.
It's what it all comes down to -- the alcohol, the poly, the definitions, the relationship, the sex, the top/bottom dynamic... It comes down to whether I can submit, want to submit, am resisting, am afraid... Or if it is all just wrong for me.
I really don't know, and so I continue to struggle.