So much has happened.
After my last post, it became clear to me that for whatever reason, I'm not able to disengage from this relationship. So I threw myself into it even more. Committed myself like never before. Even now I can't say why, exactly. Why I was so sure there was something of such supreme value for me to gain from it, or if I was addicted, or weak...
We actually entered a sort of honeymoon period... Which was fantastic for a while. But unsurprisingly, it didn't last. And I became very unhappy again, and it became clearer and clearer that I would have to end it. But still didn't have the strength. I kept pulling in that direction, and not quite getting there. He kept on holding on to me. Until he didn't hold on anymore.
And now it's over.
At first I was happy and relieved. It was a difficult adjustment: I had moved in, and moving back was challenging, and I had removed myself from habits and friends... But it felt right.
Then the depression hit, so I went to Argentina on holiday. I really needed to get away, and I also knew that if I stayed we'd end up seeing each other again, and that didn't feel right. He's the type of man who can't be alone for more than a minute and a half, and I didn't want to be in the middle of all that.
But when I came back from Argentina, I was so sad. And I really missed him. And he really missed me. So now we're doing that dance of seeing each other, but not getting back together. It's emotionally draining. One minute it's amazing -- better than the actual relationship ever was. The next it's the lowest of the lows. And I am in no shape to really handle that.
What is it that makes me unable to disconnect? Is it him? Is it the d/s stuff, am I addicted? Am I weak? Hungry for love? An emotional masochist?
I am so disappointed, in him, in myself... I don't really think that in the end I got from the relationship most of what I came into it for. What I worked so hard for. I'm sure I got a lot out of it, and when the clouds clear up I'll really appreciate it.
But right now things just suck.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
So much has happened.
Monday, December 8, 2008
I haven't been here much lately.
Not because I don't have what to write, life truly has been a roller coaster ride.
Mostly because I don't really have the time.
Don't have the energy.
Am not clear on what I want to say.
Today, I'm feeling sad and doubtful. Not for the first time.
I'm feeling a strong urge to run, to end things, to say "fuck it, this just isn't me" and stop trying.
I don't know if my urge is from the true places in my heart, or from my fears. If it is the first -- I should run! And no matter what I feel I am giving up in the process, which is A LOT. If it is the second, I need to understand where my fears come from, and deal with them. Eliminate them. Because they are getting in the way.
I'm probably not going to be able to be truly clear on what is bothering me, what the situation is. Because it's complicated, and emotional, and very much related to things in my psyche that I can't easily express.
But here are some highlights:
- My master is an alcoholic. He is a very high-functioning alcoholic... No Jekyll/Hyde stuff, no missed work, no general destructiveness... But when things happen or discussions take place, or decisions need to be made, it makes a difference, even if sometimes a subtle one. And this isn't something I can change. No words or actions from me will make him stop drinking. He needs to get there himself, so he will or he won't when he decides it's time, if ever.
I just need to decide if I can live with this.
- Nature of the relationship: This isn't a pure d/s situation. We practically live together. We entertain (vanilla) friends together. We cook and clean and hang out with the kids. For all intents and purposes, we are a couple. BUT. He won't have ANY of that. He is in dread of being part of a couple, as he ended a very intense, deep, long-term relationship just before I met him. So on one hand, there is development of an emotional relationship and living an everyday life of a relationship... But I can't have a discussion that even sounds like it assumes the existence of a relationship. Because then his resistence kicks in, and I get a kick in the ass.
I don't do well with "pretend". I don't do well when my emotions are involved to this extent, but I can't express and protect and develop them. He hints to me, and sometimes more than hints, that it is just a matter of time, that I need to be patient. That the key to building and recognizing that relationship is my submission. But all this pretense interferes with my submission. To the point of erasing it completely.
- Switching. He defines himself as a switch. But he isn't really. Mentally, he is 100% dom. But he likes to be topped, physically. He wants me to do the topping. I'm learning that place, I have it in me. But it puts me in dom mode, and also interferes with my submission. Also, there are only so many hours in a day or week that can be devoted to sex and/or play, and right now they are primarily spent in that situation -- me topping him. So that interferes with my submission, and also comes at a cost of me getting what I need here. I really do need to be topped, it's what I got involved in this lifestyle for.
- Polyamory. When I met him, I knew he was poly. It didn't bother me, because I wasn't intending on getting involved in a relationship with him (same with the alcoholism). When the relationship began to intensify, he told me it shouldn't matter, because he really only has one sub, and everything else is "smelling the roses along the way". But now, he has another sub. I really didn't sign up for this. I don't mind a "visitor" now and then, but this is another relationship. Clearly not as close, not as deep, not as intense as ours. But it continually grows and develops, as relationships do. It isn't just someone who comes over to play.
He says it has nothing to do with me, it doesn't affect my place with him, that I really shouldn't mind it at all. But I do mind it. I don't like being part of a harem.
On the positive side, the reason I entered this relationship, is that Cheetah, my dom and master, is the first person -- EVER -- who saw into me. Really saw into me. He brings out things in me that I didn't think I ever could. He provides me with warmth, and love, and excitement, and fun. He's an amazing person, and I feel that I was put on this path for a reason. For two reasons, actually.
One, submission. I never really really submitted before. I played at submission, and mostly just bottomed, physically. In my profile at FetLife, for example, I changed my status from sub to bottom, because I didn't really feel I was a sub when it came down to it. But Cheetah brings it out in me, gives me a glimpse of what can be in that place, and allows me to recognize that I do want to be there, to truly submit.
Obviously, I'm not there yet.
The second, is a concept I'm not sure how to say in English. It exists in Kabbalah, if anyone wants to look it up... Tikkun. Tikkun means to "fix" something. It doesn't have to be something actually broken -- it can be an improvement, growth, awakening, enlightenment... All kinds of stuff, that often another person, event or relationship can trigger. I think Cheetah has a special skill, magical almost, of seeing where people act from, what their deeper motivations are, what is in their mind and soul, and he knows how to lead from that place. I'm not with him for psychotherapy, that isn't the point. But he has something to offer that I want. He sees my insides, and sees my potential, and sees where I've been, and where I can go... No one ever has before, I'm not sure anyone ever will again. It is a truly rare gift. So this is part of what I don't want to give up on.
So the bottom line is all about submission. I want to, don't know if I can. I want to truly submit to HIM, but don't really know if I can trust him. I do, about 98% of the time. But those extra 2% seem to be pretty crucial.
It's what it all comes down to -- the alcohol, the poly, the definitions, the relationship, the sex, the top/bottom dynamic... It comes down to whether I can submit, want to submit, am resisting, am afraid... Or if it is all just wrong for me.
I really don't know, and so I continue to struggle.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I have placed the keys to the kingdom in the hands of Cheetah. From today, he is the master who leads me and tests me and protects me and enables me and helps me to develop and grow, to reach my rightful place.
The place where I belong.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
(cross-posted from a discussion I started on FetLife)
I've been seeing this dom for, oh, about two and a half months. The original terms of our relationship were very casual. He's poly, freshly out of a relationship, not looking for a commitment. So we played, spent time together, but no "official" titles of any kind were given to the relationship.
Over this period, I've had quite a few ups and downs with him, and been there for him throughout. Lately, we've become closer and closer. And it was becoming pretty clear that, with or without a title, I am in effect his sub. But still -- both of us are free to "play the field".
(Given the amount of time we've been spending together, there hasn't been too much of that. But we have added another girl as a third side to our triangle, and that's going pretty well so far. And he still spends a lot of time meeting people online. I'm okay with that so far.)
The other day, he flat out called me his sub in his blog, which led to a much more serious "wither goest the relationship?" kind of discussion. Good talk, recognition of what is already there. No real change, in other words.
Part of the discussion is his view (which I basically share) that there are different levels and even stages of being someone's sub (or dom, for that matter). In other words, I might be his sub, but I'm not in the same position as the 2-year, 24/7 sub he recently separated from... Nor is our 3rd side in the same position as me...
Beginning to make sense?
Probably not, lol.
Anyway, one day after this talk he springs on me that he wants me to put that I'm under his consideration in my profile (on our local community site). To him -- this is a very serious statement, and a necessary stage. To me -- I didn't go through "the steps" with him from the start, and now I'm already there as far as I'm concerned.
And trying to get any really well-defined answers as to what it means hasn't gone so well. He says "you know what it means" and treats my attempts to make it clearer as evasion, and lack of submission. (And to be honest, there is some truth to that.)
Which then brings me back to my question (some of you might remember my deliberations) about how much of a submissive I really am, how much my ego gets in my way, and all that... I really hate the "consideration" word (in Hebrew it is called being a "candidate").
I don't like feeling tested. I don't like putting myself "up for" acceptance or rejection. I don't like that I have to give up playing the field, and not really being clear on what I'm getting in return. I hate the feeling of giving up my options, even if there are no current options, or any that I really want.
So am I the only one who has an ego impediment here? Should I just be ecstatic that he asked me? When he asked my how I felt I told him I had a problem with the word "candidate" and he really didn't hear the rest of what I had to say, which is that I did get the warm and fuzzies about being asked...
So I'm confused.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I just am.
This week has been another week of highs. Not as crazy as that last time... no. But better, oh yes.
This week was a holiday here (our New Year), so I didn't work very much. I went to a fet party and I'm starting to feel part of the community... I knew a lot of people. I got a lot of attention. I was groovin' all over the place :-D
Let's just call it playful :) Playful with a very lovely couple of friends, playful with the same girlfriend I got playful with last time, and the flogger of an old familiar friend got playful with my ass.
I had even brought a date (vanilla with kinks, not BDSM) but he was sort of... Not involved. For the most part. But he was by far the best looking guy at the party so that was okay too.
Day after -- picnic in the park with my lovely young couple. Yummy ;-)
Next day at work I found out that this bitch from our New York office who has been making my life hell had been asked to leave... Happy New Year to me! I'm still walking on air.
And the weekend was filled with renewed intimacy (and new-frontier sessions) with Mr. C. (Only one tough moment that I hope we've overcome... Can't seem to get away from those with him :/ )
So this week has been very BDSM-ey and fun, and happy, and I'm high on endorphins and music and food and youth.
For the two weeks prior to that I was involved in an actual romance that doesn't seem to have a chance in hell of going anywhere but which has been really nice to be in. The idiot lives in France, so...
Yeah. We'll see.
But today is a beautiful day and I'm planning to enjoy it!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Well, it didn't work out. Kinda crashed and burned, even.
Can't say I'm surprised. Another emotional cripple. Must be the 13th tribe of Israel.
I was a bit disappointed for a while, just because I really never meet anyone to get excited over. But I think I really jumped the gun on that one anyway... He didn't really merit the excitement.
I'm a bit frustrated that the only two guys I've met in recent months that I consistently like are one guy who is just a fuck-buddy, and while he is pleasantly kinky is really not BDSM; and another who was just visiting from France. No one local.
Maybe I gotta get outta here, LOL
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Yes, my perfect moment was with the perfect-on-paper guy. It wasn't the best moment of my life or anything like that... It was just like how I defined it -- a moment that was exactly what it was supposed to be.
I was sooooo nervous about meeting him... but when I got there it was just natural. The connection was immediate, and we both felt our initial instincts had been good.
So comfortable. So right. So easy.
We had an amazing time, and no, I'm not giving details :)
The upshot, though, is that though we crafted a plan to spend the weekend together and "begin" something, he's had a family crisis since then. His mother was admitted to the hospital, and had open heart surgery last night.
Betwixt and between... I don't really know how I feel about things right now. He was supposed to go on a business trip today for a week and a half, so we had a window of about three days to get to know each other first... And that window has closed.
I'm assuming he cancelled the trip now, but I don't actually know because we haven't been speaking, at all.
Now, it's hard to argue with a mother in surgery and family crisis... But at the same time it's hard for me to believe he hasn't had ANY time for communicating with me.
On the other hand, one night, as significant as it felt, doesn't create relationship-level obligations...
On yet another hand, though, the things that were said, the tone and content of "how things were" that night and the morning after... Yes, some expectations have been created.
So now I'm on hold. I'm trying to be understanding and patient, but a little voice is still whispering in my ear that if he doesn't include me (even just by sending an SMS, I certainly don't expect to be center stage right now...), that maybe that speaks to how he is in a relationship. And yes, this was shaping up to be a relationship.
For me, this isn't easy at all. I haven't been in a relationship (not a significant one) since my divorce 12 years ago. I've dated, fooled around, had friends and fuck buddies, and short term flings... But no relationships. What was so scary about this guy is that he was the first man I met in my 10 years in Israel that had relationship potential.
So I admit, I'm not only uncertain of him, I'm uncertain of myself. I'm not sure how to interpret things, not sure how to handle myself, not sure if I'm seeing things through the lens of my insecurity or if I'm seeing things clearly...
I guess I'll have to wait and see.