Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Expectation-raising statements

"[Vestri] is very sexy and a great partner"

"You were a big part of it setting up the [shibari] show... and now we have to see how to take it further grin"

"Taking it further means trying new ties on you, and getting to the point where it's you on stage!"

"How do you feel about a hot tub and a bunch of pervs?"

"Do you have a garter belt? I have plans that definitely require a garter belt..."

"Let's go to the fet party on Thursday"

"Let's go to the munch this week"

- Do you think what I want is a D/s relationship?
- Yes.
- Well, there's your answer. That is the direction we are headed in.

"I'm mad about your cunt!"

"I thought about you a lot while I was away"

"Too bad I didn't catch you alone, I have a very particular fantasy I'd like to try out, which I think you'll like, a lot!"

"Let's plan a trip to Amsterdam... Or even better -- Prague, lots of good pervy stuff happening there!"

Monday, July 28, 2008


Between the last two posts -- one going into an emotional chasm due to something feeling like it was falling apart, and the one that is the letter "ending" it (how do you end something that doesn't exist?) there was a two week period, more or less.

I didn't spend those two weeks waiting around for him to make an appearance... There were interactions. The initial ones were positive -- I asked straight out, are you over me? Or do you still want me? No, and Yes. What's going on? Nothing, it's been crazy... Let's get together Thursday. But Thursday never came...

Then, we finally met and -- nothing. If you can imagine: He invited me over, I thought we were getting back on track. It had been a long sweaty day, and so I jumped in the shower. Now, I'm sitting next to him, damp and wearing naught but a towel... And he spends the next hour showing me his progress on a computer game, and then takes me home.


So in the car we have "the talk". Where are we headed? Why are things this way?

Answers: We *are* headed in the D/s direction. The heat.

But since then -- absolutely nothing, even phone and messenger stopped. Hence the letter.

After the letter: A completely crazy conversation in which history was rewritten, and even basic, human responsibility denied.

So it is over, and I'm more than okay with that.

I find it a shame -- and of course hurtful -- that something that had no need to devolve into negativity did. Just a little bit of honesty and communication would have resolved every aspect of this situation. It isn't as if I am in love. It isn't as if my dreams are shattered. It isn't as if I wanted to move in.

I just wanted more of what I perceived as a positive experience and connection. Which I perceived as a mutually positive experience and connection. There shouldn't be anything negative about that, and creating negativity where there is none is the purview of the weak, the twisted, the dishonest, the immature...

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Dear John letter

I understand that whatever we had is over. Without a word being said, or a decision being made. Quite the opposite, actually… Several times I asked, tried to figure out intentions or desires, and each time you said you want, you’re planning, there is a direction, there are fantasies, that you still want me.

But in actuality, nothing is happening. There is a saying, your actions speak so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying… Well, I was listening to what you said, and now I’m finally hearing your actions.

Please understand that I don’t have a problem with this. My only problem is that you haven’t been straight with me. I never had any expectations from you that were not of your own making, from things you said or promised or planned… I really wish you had been able to be more honest. I had a great time with you, and I felt that at minimum, we are friends. That we have a connection as people, never mind any additional definitions. But friends don’t hold each other in a state of limbo, insecurity, on the edge… And when I expressed my confusion, my questions, the fact that I suddenly felt vulnerable in a manner I am not accustomed to… I think the ball was in your court.

So to that extent, I am disappointed and hurt.

I’m not happy about saying all this in writing rather than in person, but the feeling that you just don’t want to talk to me, that you don’t want to be face to face, is so strong, that I can’t even bring myself to pick up a phone or try – yet again – to initiate any form of communication.

And understand also that my tears are not due to any D/s relationship that will not be, or sex that didn’t happen. They are because of the friendship, because of the trust, because of my vulnerability, which I have not allowed myself with anyone but you, you may be surprised to hear (nor not? I really have no idea).

So if I’m wrong, if I misunderstood, if there are things I don’t know or am not aware of –- please correct me. I’m not an angry or vindictive person, and I don’t hold grudges. Nor do I like giving up on friends.

If, on the other hand, I’ve hit the mark and finally “got it”, you are welcome to answer me or not, as you like. In either case I will wish you only the best, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you did give me, for the experience I had, for the things that I learned, and the little slice of my life that you were at the heart of.



Sunday, July 20, 2008

I need to be a girl for a bit

(This was written a couple of weeks ago. I didn't feel happy about posting it at the time, but I'm missing my release of blogging. So here it is.)

I really feel like crying.

One of the ironies of my life is that while I define myself as a submissive, and feel most alive when I submit, the truth of my life is that I am actually in constant control, and can be very dominating. I have no choice – I am the strong one, the smart one, the one who can handle things; the decision maker.

My whole life I failed to realize just how badly I wanted to let go that control, just drop the reins.

And that takes a lot of trust, more than I possess.No, that isn’t accurate… I just don’t have the habit of trusting. And I haven’t found anyone to trust.

And this want, this need… It’s eating me from the inside.

So why do I say I need to be a girl… Because very often, I act like a “man”. Yes, in quotes. As I said, strong, decisive, and also – able to fuck around, casually, and with little emotion and few complications.

And then I met someone who upset my existing order.

A dom who is fairly immersed and well-known in the local community. I’m new to this life and community, so I don’t know who’s who, I just lucked out I guess. But when we met I told him I wasn’t available for anything exclusive. I was still in a D/s connection (which was in the break up stage, but wasn’t final). But I also was in a major sub frenzy, wanting to experience anything and everything.

So we started something casual, uncommitted. But with misunderstandings right from the start. He didn’t fully understand my existing connection, I didn’t understand he was looking for a sub. I also didn’t understand that in his eyes, if we weren’t exclusive this wasn’t a D/s relationship… But we were having fun, and that is no small thing. Mutual pleasure, as he put it, with a fair dose of kink.

Meanwhile, I quickly grew tired of playing around. Irrespective of this connection, I “cleaned house”, and erased all the existing, past and potential suitors from my Messenger and phone.

With him… Here and there I caught on that he was holding back, but I didn’t really understand it. He explained that he doesn’t do “casual BDSM”, and I was the one who said I wasn’t available for that. So I said – well, then we have what to discuss! But he didn’t really answer, and I left it alone.

So now, I’m available and willing, but he’s in a totally different direction. Or, is he? Because right around this time the nature of the relationship began to alter. It became more intimate, and way more D/s. I found myself experiencing something totally new and addictive. But all this was done without any discussion, no stated change in the rules of the game. No new commitments.

Three months into this story, after all kinds of growth, closeness, [I felt] we reached some sort of high point. And suddenly, he just dropped me. At least that’s how I see it. We still chatted on Messenger (our most frequent type of communication), and on the surface, things seemed as usual. But two weekends in a row we didn’t see each other, nor did we speak on the phone, nor exchange SMSs. In Messenger, there were fewer “kisses” }{ and fewer “babe”s. And I suddenly felt that I was initiating most of the convos. However, on the public forums we participate in, there were still flirtatious messages, winks and grins, compliments and “plans”. But in reality – I couldn’t figure out when or if I would see him again.

Which is when I flew into an emotional tailspin. A month or so earlier – I wouldn’t have given a fuck. (Or not much of one.) One cock more or less doesn’t change my life. But now, he had touched my deepest places. And not just the hidden ones. He was leaving his mark on me physically, too – I felt him on me, in me, around me 24/7, whether I liked it or not (but I liked it). And then – he dropped me and I crashed. Like the most insane sub drop possible, because it just doesn’t end.

I admit I don’t really understand men. It is entirely possible that while I’m torturing myself with this situation, and wondering what I did wrong, or what I misunderstood, and trying to figure out what to do next… It is entirely possible that from where he sits, everything is just fine, and he was just tired or distracted, and in a few days we’ll pick up exactly where we left off.

But it doesn’t make sense to me that if he really wanted me, cared about me, that this much time could go by without me.

And I can’t even be mad, because he didn’t break any rules, or betray any commitments. There weren’t any.

But if he doesn’t care – why not just let me go? Why keep me hanging on?
Why am I the only one not sleeping nights?


So it turns out I am a girl after all. I open my heart, and not just my legs.