Tuesday, April 29, 2008

One down

Yair is out. He came over last night, and I was not able to recapture any of the magic I felt up until the last few days. It seems that while on one hand he is saying he is interested, he feels that if he acts like he cares -- just because I asked him to -- that makes him weaker. And in spite of some physicality (not sexual, really) last night, he has gone back to being incommunicado today, even though I can see that he is online.

While I don't expect to "rule" a Dom through my emotions, needs, or anything else, I do have some expectations... Until I enter that submissive role with him, I need him to show me that my feelings are important, because otherwise how can I trust him from the position I'll be in as his submissive? That trust is all important to me, as is my general emotional connection with him.

And it isn't that this is happening in a vacuum. I can compare side by side with Erez, who is THERE. At least from the emotional perspective. He takes everything I say I want or need into account, which doesn't mean he gives into it, but I never feel alone or ignored.

I still have about a million question marks about Erez, but at least another loose end is being tied up.

Maybe because I experienced a loss, maybe it was time for things to come to a head anyway, but right now I am feeling a bit clearer on my need to get rid of the "noise". All kinds of extraneous activities and connections that don't contribute to my happiness. Most of them are harmless -- like my young, beginner Dom. He is sweet. I like him. I just don't need him, and he does take up attention and time. There are one or two other "distractions" like him.

Well, the realization is there, but that doesn't mean I've followed through with action yet, hehe. But I will.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Slow progress

I have spent the last few days mostly mourning, but also trying to distract myself from my misery. One day I'll need to think about why I use men to distract me, rather than, say, my friends. It hasn't been that way for years and years, because there really weren't many men in my life. But now I have (perhaps) too many...

So. Friday night I met with Tipus, who I think is shaping up as just the playmate I thought he would be. He's the most single/available one of all, and the sex is good, but I just don't feel anything beyond that.

The other two men I've been considering... Yair is the one I was pretty set on -- he's divorced, and I was really enjoying our exchanges. And when we met last week, we had an amazing evening together. But then, because he had to spend most of his time with his children during this holiday, he dropped off the radar completely. I didn't expect much of his time, but if he wants me, he could have set a few minutes aside for a phone call when I told him Magnus died. And he hasn't.

So Erez (the married one) has not hesitated to fill that vacuum. He's the one who has been there to help me with practical things as well as emotional. We met last evening, and became quite a bit more intimate. I don't know what to expect from him yet, but this is clearly a much more emotional connection, and will demand a great deal from me, and that terrifies me.

The young Dom I was helping get started along his way is still trying to remain in the picture, but I actually don't have much patience for this right now. I've been putting him off, but probably should just cut it off. Which, of course, is where I have my biggest problem :-)

So not too much has developed, but there are some directions. This week should clarify things more.

Friday, April 25, 2008

My baby is gone

Magnus died today. I thought he was getting better, but he had different ideas. I wasn't with him, I was at work dealing with my psycho boss, and he went away. I don't know that I can forgive myself for being away when he was so sick.

I love him so much, I'm not even digesting it yet.

Erez, one of my potentials, has been there for me throughout this ordeal. He has helped me, and sympathized, and supported me. He helped me arrange the burial. No one else did any of these things, not even my friends.

I feel so bound to him now. I don't want it to be just out of gratitude. I hope it's not. I hope that the fact that he was there to take care of me is just an extension of what we already saw as potential... I only wish he wasn't the married one. He is married and going to stay that way, because he has a wife who is disabled, and he isn't the type to abandon anyone who he made a commitment to and who relies on him.

I really wish that either of my other 'friends' had stepped up to the plate. But they didn't, and that speaks volumes. Meanwhile, Cafe-my-former-Sir, is exceeding himself with online support. But he knows he couldn't have been there, and so do I, so it's bittersweet and we're exchanging many loving messages, but they are still "after" notes, and we're not going back.

I'm going to sleep now.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

To Sir with Love

So I finally did it. I broke it off with my Sir. Haha, I don't even have another name for him. I mean, I know his name, but I've never said it. It doesn't feel like him. Maybe his nick... Cafe. Cafe. Cafe. I need to think of him as Cafe and not my Sir.

It's been in the cards for a while, but the thing with my cat was the last straw. I need someone who will be there for me, take care of me, support me (not financially), cheer me up, sympathize... I deserve that, and I certainly don't need to stay in this relationship just to avoid having to hurt someone.

But I do want to take a moment, even just for myself, to make sure I remember that even though it ultimately wasn't "it", this was an important relationship for me. This is the man who taught me to respect my submission. This is a man who always looked at me with joy in his eyes, and felt lucky to have me. This is the man who always found me to be the most beautiful woman in the world, no matter my state or situation. This man was as tender or as tough as I needed him to be, every time he was with me. This is a man who always made me laugh. This is the man who helped me feel part of a world I might otherwise have avoided immersing in. This is a man who when I told him it was over, had the grace and courtesy to tell me he will always cherish every second with me, and that he is the luckiest man in the world, just because I gave myself to him.

Now I remember why it was difficult for me to end it... It doesn't sound all that bad :) Of course, it was never bad, just limited.

----------

Magnus is home and doing as well as can be expected. We're treating him with leeches in addition to conventional heart treatment, and so far so good -- no miracles, but signs of improvement. I am cautiously optimistic. And watching the leeches do their work was pretty cool.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Messiness

My life is kind of a mess right now. I'm still dealing with Magnus' situation, and now it looks like I have a month of very intensive treatments ahead, and only after that will we know what his true prognosis is.

Work is really bad. I like my job, but hate my boss, and he's making my life miserable. Hard enough to deal with when I don't have cat and BDSM issues to handle.

On the BDSM front, I am also in a good news/bad news situation. I am going to end it with my Sir this week. I don't know if I should do it by phone, messenger, or in person. This issue with how/when to communicate has been part of the problem. But if I needed a trigger, this combination of holiday (when he wasn't available by any means) and my very difficult days with the cat... He could have been in touch, but hardly bothered, and I've received virtually no emotional support from him. Late last night he tried, but it really was too little too late. I can't give of myself to someone who doesn't cherish me. If all I want is someone to play with, I can get that close by, from men who are single and more available.

I need to understand for myself, though, why I need a trigger. Why I am so afraid to hurt him, basically putting his needs before mine, in a very fundamental way, not in the sense of a D/s dynamic, the way I understand or want it. Why should I be this concerned with his hurt feelings, when I'm dealing with real life problems, and he doesn't seem to be equally concerned with my feelings?

Maybe I really am a masochist :)

Ha, it didn't come across that way, but that was the good news. The not-so-good news (in terms of me complicating my life as usual) is that things have taken a turn with EVERYONE I was just talking to. It actually came about because of Magnus - I had no way to get to/from the hospital... I'm a city-dweller, think NYC, and the hospital is out of town. So one offered to take me, the other to pick me up... Meanwhile I was already playing with the third... So now I've met both "potentials" in person, both have been supportive, both are attractive... Damn damn damn. I can't even play with four different people, never mind create anything meaningful.

So I continue to muddle along in my crazy, careening way. I was actually on messenger with four separate men at the same time last night, and I didn't want to close any of the windows. I'm an addict. Or obsessed. Or just a slut (for attention, at least, hehe).

Or maybe I need a true Master who will force me to put my life in order.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Don't leave me!

It looks like my cat is dying. He isn't old, he didn't have any apparent health problems, and suddenly he's in the veterinary hospital with a bad heart, edema of the lungs and an embolism paralyzing his leg.


He's on IVs, and the next few hours are critical. Even if he lives, he will be on heart medication for the rest of his life, and have a high chance of recurrence.

Magnus is the only creature in this world that I actually love. I feel love for many people, such as friends and family. But true love, strange as it sounds, pure, unselfish, total, unconditional love -- I have only for him. He is a part of my soul. Even my other cat Lexi doesn't come close in my heart.

I can't bear the thought of losing him. I can't. Can't.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Springtime

I'm not big on holidays, and I try not to wait until someone designates a day for me to think about important things. But it occurred to me just now that Passover is the Spring Festival, as well as a celebration of freedom, and I am feeling it, yes I am. Spring -- the season of rebirth. Ha, waxing philosophical, I am.

I'm feeling good today. The weather is beautiful, and I had a lovely brunch with a good friend, and all seems right with the world. Yesterday was the first time in a very long time that I didn't feel stressed and with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I could put it down to having the most amazing sex in a very long time last night... And I'm sure that has contributed! But I felt that way before, and I think the sex was good because I am feeling better to begin with.

Need I say it wasn't with my Sir? I'm realizing more and more that the past couple of months have been increasingly messing with my sex drive. I'm a horny person, and that has remained the same, but little by little, my natural sexuality has been chipped away, through stress, through emotional uncertainty... From trying to make something fit, that just doesn't. I haven't been masturbating, for example, and that should have been a clue.

So yesterday I experienced my own freedom and oh my, I needed that. I'm practically walking on air today. A spring in my step, you might even say...

Tipus is the playmate-type I mentioned, and I guess I needed to play!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Happy Passover

It's a holiday week here in Israel. And I won't be seeing my Sir during this time, nor will we have many chances to speak. He's given me official permission to "replace" him during this time.

I really don't understand that. From my perspective, I am bound to replace him sooner or later anyway, because we aren't right for each other, in spite of the love and respect we do have. But he must know that this could be IT. The breaking point. It seems that he measures his love by his ability to sacrifice. Me. While I measure it by the tenacity with with he pursues me, holds on to me... An inherent conflict.

So the two men - well really three - I'm speaking with... This might be the week that something changes. One is really just a potential playmate. But the other two both appeal to me very much, each in a different way. Yeah, I have choices but I'm like a kid in a candy store, and likely to end up with a stomach ache, LOL

Sugasm #127

This Week’s Picks

My life as a Female
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Mr. Sugasm Himself (one from the vaults)
How to Choose an Affiliate Program

Editor’s Choice
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See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each
Tuesday and Friday.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Kink BBQ and not taking NO for an answer

On Saturday, I went to my very first "event". This wasn't a staged event, where BDSMers put on a show or play... It was simply a barbeque put on by a core group of vetaran kinksters.

The significance is that it was my first time socializing with anyone from the community. It was really nice, but also strange. It was strange because these are not necessarily people I would bond with outside of our kink. But also nice, because open discussion of topics I otherwise keep very discreet is really refreshing.

A twist on the whole thing is that I was invited by a Dom who is clearly interested in me, and so I can't pretend it was "just" socializing. And given the state of my mind and nerves, this is a twist I might not need.

So even though I keep saying I'm slowing things down, I've allowed things to accelerate again:

* I haven't ended things with my Sir, even though we had a long, difficult, tearful talk yesterday about the fact that things are probably winding down between us. I'm not being fair to him or to myself - I should just cut it off. But I'm having trouble letting go, and he will apparently settle for any part of me I want to give him... Though if I'm not exclusive, he won't be exclusive, and that's a whole other can of worms.

* I began meeting another Dom who is just charming to me - he's just starting to live the lifestyle. It's ironic that I would be the one to help break him in, given my own lack of experience... And I don't see this developing into anything more serious, but he's in the mix.

* I have two other Doms I'm talking to by phone or online that I'm actually interested in. One is a better candidate because he's actually available, not married or living far away...

* I have one other Dom I was talking to, but do not think I'm interested in, but whom I've agreed to meet for coffee (am going in about 5 minutes in fact). I need to learn to be more assertive. I mean, I won't *do* anything I don't want to with anyone I don't want to, but even the discussions and meetings for coffee take their toll.

* There is a whole array of others with whom I have some degree of contact or other... Haven't made any promises, don't intend to. But I really need to stop being so damn NICE. It's killing me.

PS. Came back from coffee. Told Y. I didn't see it happening - he too is married, and lives far away. He's convinced I really do want him and am just being defensive, putting up walls. I really don't see him as an option, though I'm flattered by the attention. He won't push me into a relationship, but is not really letting go.

I had another one I corresponded with for a few weeks by mail and phone, and met once for coffee. After due consideration, I told him I wasn't interested. He's still messaging me and calling.

Is it an ego thing that causes so many Doms to simply not accept that it isn't right? Why is "no" such a hard answer to believe?

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Ho hum

I seem to be running out of steam a bit. LOL, I meant the blog, but as I'm writing I realize that it isn't the blog, it's me...

For one, now I'm pretty much caught up with my "story" -- there is always more to tell, but chronologically I started then, and arrived at the now. And the now is so much more complex for me.

Another reason, I'm just tired. I haven't been sleeping that well, I haven't been eating properly, and work has been beyond stressful. So have my BDSM related thoughts and activities. I'm doing what I can about all these, but they are likely to take some time to straighten out.

Blog-wise -- I wish I had more readers. (Not that I don't appreciate the ones I have!) I tried a Google search and a Google Blog search and my blog doesn't come up in the searches. I've since read that many new blogs are having indexing problems with Google, and there simply doesn't seem to be anything to do about it. I keep wondering if I started a blog on a NON Google site if I would have better luck :)

So my brain is a bit slow. I have a lot to try and make sense of -- my general situation has not changed. And while my main source of stress is work, not BDSM, this is a close second, and the stress is spilling into every other aspect of my life.

So I'm not all light and laughter today :)

But I didn't want to let the writing fall by the wayside.

Thanks for reading me!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Check out FetLife.com

I found a new online community called FetLife. It's like a kink version of Facebook. Apparently, they just went online at the beginning of this year, and already have over 3600 members. I've only been there a few days, but it's a friendly place with a lot of potential, so I'm trying to help get the word out (LOL, not that I have that many readers, yet!)

But if you have the chance to check it out, and refer your friends and blog readers to it - it's a lot nicer than some of the bigger, better known "communities" out there.

http://fetlife.com/home

See you there!

Monday, April 7, 2008

2-month musings, continued

Four: My relationship is about to end

And I don't know how to do it. I don't really even know if I should. My Sir has been wonderful to me in so many ways, he has given me many gifts, even some he isn't aware of. He adores and admires me. He was the perfect choice for my first Master. But. But. But...

He is married, as I said, and I have a problem with that. Even if I didn't have a moral issue with it, our time together is very limited, and I don't find that what we have online/by phone is enough to hold me to him as tightly as either of us would like. Even the limited time we have, is at the expense of my work, and that can't go on.

Some of the things we do together -- I love. I love when he ties me up, for example. But other things I don't love so much, and he doesn't seem to be able to tell the difference, even when I say it directly.

I also feel I need to explore more, not get too settled too quickly. Here is where the freedom he gives me works both for and against him: To some extent, I am able to explore with others. But when I do, I feel my bond with him eroding. That is the against. But the for - I probably wouldn't have committed to him at all without this freedom, and because he's been so generous, I feel bound to him, grateful, and guilty about thinking of leaving him. And I don't want to hurt him.

Udi (my Dom friend) has suggested taking a complete time out. He feels I've thrown myself into this way too fast, and that I am the source of all my own stress. I feel my job has a lot to do with that, LOL, but it doesn't make him wrong.

Anyway, no major conclusions, right now. Just a lot of thoughts.

2-month anniversary musings

Yesterday was exactly two months since I met my Sir, and that was just a little bit after I entered this world, defined myself in terms of BDSM, or D/s.

Here are some of my thoughts:

One: Only two months? Can't be!

It seems a lot longer. It feels like I've lived a lifetime in these few weeks. I've enjoyed myself, learned new things, been scared, felt foolish, met new people, expanded my horizons, begun blogging, come a lot, been stressed out of my mind, felt exhausted, and a whole spectrum of other emotions. The proportion of this experience in my life is like no other two months I can think of.

Two: Am I really that special?

Are all new (or not necessarily new) submissives as sought after as I've been? This has been a huge boost to my ego, but I'm not mentioning it or asking in order to boast. I read that there are more men than women in the community, and I expected *some* response, but I'm not kidding -- I've had over 1500 enquiries in just a few weeks. Even when I posted NOT AVAILABLE on my profile. Just about every Dom I've talked with has wanted to meet me, and every Dom I met has wanted to continue with me. These are not the odds I'm used to in the vanilla world!

I mean, I consider myself fairly attractive, and more than a little sexy. But this has been crazy. And not all that much fun - it takes a lot of time and effort to fend off that many determined Doms.

At first I attributed it to the fact that I was "fresh meat" in The Cage. But the flow continues...

Three: I'm the one with the power

Because I'm sought after, because the Doms I meet are so open and direct in their desire for me, I am in a position of power I'm also not used to in the vanilla world. In my previous relationships, and even more so in dating, it always felt like navigating the terms of the relationshop was very complex. Here -- they are (so far) rather simple. First of all - there are rules :) Second, I determine when the power exchange happens, and I have the freedom to end it. Of course, I don't have the power within those two points, but It's odd how I feel so much more empowered now than I ever did before. Not what I expected!

(to be continued...)

Sunday, April 6, 2008

My big mistakes

I've already alluded to my first two biggest mistakes. I've survived them, but they did give me a huge wakeup call.

Mistake one: Allowing a total stranger to take pictures of me in our session.

I did weakly object... But he promised discretion. Though he would, wouldn't he?

When I "broke up" with Domino, he was pissed off at me. He kept telling me "I don't release you. You are mine." Well, get a clue, buddy. You can't hold on to me if I don't want you to... And I was gone - blocked his Messenger, blocked his calls. But he had the photos.

My Dom friend Udi called me about a week later, and said that he found pictures of me on another site. Not only were all the pictures there (my face was hidden, but clearly anyone who'd seen me naked could recognize me, LOL), but the posting was an invitation for women or couples to join the poster (an alias of Domino's that I recognized) AND HIS SUB - me.

Udi called Domino on my behalf (I was on the call, but too upset to speak rationally). Domino denied it was him (forgot I knew the alias) and claimed his computer must have been hacked. But with enough threats he promised to remove the photos. I also wrote the website and they actually did remove the photos. But the photos are still out there, and I might not discover them next time.

Mistake two: Allowing a total stranger to come into my house, and, well... Into me.

When I invited Alon to come over to my apartment for a session, I really wasn't that worried. Or if I was, the fear was part of the excitement. That's how I'd met all three other Doms I'd had sessions with. In "blind dates". The session itself started out fine. But then, it became a bit too much for me. We hadn't really discussed any limits I have, and while I think that most of what Alon did was not extreme in any way, I really was a newbie, and if something new was going to happen, we both should have been prepared for the fact that I might have a reaction to it. His approach was one of punishment, and I hadn't been there before. And I didn't like it. So I was getting more and more upset as the session progressed. At some point I stopped it, and told him so. He was very sweet about my concerns, but also upset that I stopped the session, and said that had never happened to him before.

However, at the end of the session, he was very happy, and already making future plans for us. I, on the other hand, was not so happy, and needed to digest the experience. But I was mostly tired, and went to sleep.

Next morning, I was waked by a phone call - Alon. Who started berating me for... having relations with another Dom - Master Cafe. I had been VERY clear with Alon about the exclusivity question. But he didn't know who or what. However, he saw Cafe respond to a post of mine in The Cage and put two and two together, and flew into a jealous rage. Apparently, he thought a previous post I had written was addressed to him (I guess big egos are common Dom traits?), and was upset when he realized it wasn't.

Between the difficulty of the session, my original doubts about this man, and his complete outrageousness on the phone -- I told him I didn't want to see him again. Next thing I know - he shows up at my house. Now - this is a big man. I am a big woman, but I doubt I could prevent him from overpowering me. I was freaked. I didn't know if I should act angry and outraged - or submissive and docile - in order for him to just get the fuck out of there. I went with strategy #2, figuring I should do everything to prevent sparking him. He apparently thought that this stalking behavior would prove to me how much he cared for me, wanted me. Well, it proved to me he is a stalker. Eventually I made him understand that I just don't want him, and he left. Apparently he showed up one other time to return my thong panties which he'd stolen, but he just left them in the mailbox and didn't bother me.

~*~*~*~*

So, I learned two valuable lessons. At least. Both these experiences were difficult for me on several levels, not the least of which is simply the fact that I am not stupid, and I hate feeling stupid. Or acting stupid. And I wasn't exactly being so smart. But I am getting better :)

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Somewhat random ramblings

It's a bit weird for me to recall my first days in this world, I've experienced so much, so quickly...

I also want to get caught up, and write about today, but for me this blog isn't only about sharing, it's a record, so I don't want to jump around too much.

How to organize my thoughts...?!

I won't. Just plug on.

So during the week of my first meeting with my Sir, I hadn't yet cut Domino out of the story. My first session with him was good, and I wanted to see how it continued. I also was still trying to correspond with several other in The Cage. It was taking a lot of my energy, and this was NOT good for my work life -- I had recently started a new, and demanding, job. But I was obsessed.

I met Domino again. This time, he went a bit further with me, which should have turned me on, but I had begun to realize how little I was really into him. I saw the session through, but didn't get the same excitement out of it. I was also still in my "not thinking" mode, and let him take pictures of the session. Dumb. I don't know this guy, why would I let him take photographic evidence of me in "compromising" positions?

So then I ended it. At least a session too late :)

That weekend I had another session with yet another Dom... I am nothing if not voracious in my appetites, and eager to experience it all... Okay, I'm also a bit of a slut, LOL

Odd as it seems, though, my relationship with my Sir was solidifying. He didn't know the details of my extracurricular activities, but we did have a discussion about exclusivity. Because he knew how little time he had to give me, he allowed me to fill in the gap elsewhere. This has worked both to his benefit and detriment, as I will also tell.

My online correspondences with several Doms led to several meetings that did not develop into anything sexual or D/s. One Dom became a very good friend. Only one continued to develop into something, and I eventually met him for a session.

I should add here that I tried to keep a diary of all my contacts. It's difficult to reconcile people's online nicks, messenger names, and real names, and I was contacted by and corresponding with quite a few people.

I need to learn to trust my instincts. What I first wrote about Alon is: "Weirdo". But for some reason I spoke to him on the phone after that, and revised my assessment. When we met for our session I learned another lesson. I'll speak of my hard lessons in my next post.

The main thing I actually wanted to say here is that even though I was still in the "crazed" phase, the excitement of the beginning, I began to realize that this - THIS - my move into a world I wasn't aware of, a new phase of my life - was real. I wasn't all that adept at handling it yet, I didn't have the requisite experience to make good judgments, I didn't even know what I wanted and didn't want yet. But I was making room for it in my life, and learning lessons (both good and bad), and going through internal changes to accommodate a new identity.

Friday, April 4, 2008

My first master

So, I didn't really consider myself bound to Domino, but I didn't tell him that, not in so many words.

Meanwhile, Master Cafe came into my life.

My mental state at this point - still on a high. Just wanting to experience more more more

Cafe gave me a bunch of references - he gave me a list of former subs to talk to. And I did. I felt I was getting so smart, being wiser... Not rushing. Ha. Meanwhile, our online and phone relationship continued. It sounds like all this took a long time, but really, it was just a matter of days. During this time, I was given multiple assignments, and we developed some rituals, and shared many intimacies, so that very quickly I really did feel I belonged to him, though I hadn't met him in person.

When I was comfortable, we planned a meeting, and set a safety phrase. He instructed me to wait for him in my hallway, head down, wearing a skirt and blouse, no underwear. He came in, and walked right by me, set his stuff down on my table. Took his time. Then he stood before me and told me to kiss his shoes. I did. My mind was spinning, my heart was beating so fast that I thought it would burst right out of my chest. He then proceeded to examine his property. He felt my heartbeat, and commented on how lovely it was. He felt my breasts, and my legs and my ass... He seemed satisfied. He slipped a blindfold on me, and then commanded me to undo his pants and suck his cock. I complied. He had a lovely, thick cock, and it tasted very good to me.

Then, he grabbed my hair, and stood me up. Opened my blouse. I heard him fasten something to the leg of the table, and then he pushed me down and fastned something to my nipple. The pain was excruciating, and I whimpered. I was thrust down from the highest high to the lowest low... I was ready to be slapped, like before, to be overpowered, but this... I wasn't prepared. But I was scared to say anything - I felt it was my job to hold up, to make it through anything he put in my way. So I tried to swallow the hurt. He asked if I was in pain, I just nodded. He took it off me. Told me that not all women hurt from that, and he seemed very concerned. He stroked my hair until I calmed down. Then he grabbed my hair and pushed me to the bedroom.

He told me to undress, and lie on my back, and spread my legs. I did. The excitement was back. I found that I really liked it when he grabbed me by the hair. I really liked the uncertainty of being blindfolded. I liked being exposed before him. I liked being told what to do... My doubts were allayed. I had set out condoms for him, and I heard him open one, and next thing I knew, he was inside me. On top of me. He smelled of stale sweat, and I should have been disgusted, but I wasn't.

I want to stop here for a moment, and say that this was in fact part of what is the weirdest part of all this for me: This was not an attractive man to me. He is about five inches shorter than me (I'm tall, 5'10"), and has a big middle-aged belly, and a beard... Every man I've ever been involved with before - including my ex husband - has been really sexy! Master Cafe, at this point, is fucking me ardently, and through my personal haze of complete and total horniness I'm laughing inside! How is it possible I'm giving myself to this man who is nothing that I would go for in "real" life? But I did, and I was loving it! He had come directly from work (he's an environmental scientist, and often works in the field), and was sweaty; I don't like facial hair; he is rotund; and like many overweight men, had a sort of snorting/snoring breathing... Please don't think I'm being disrespectful. My Sir** knows all this about himself. And he has a wonderful sense of humor about it. But to me, at that point, it was all a very big surprise.

So part of me is all-consumed with the experience I'm having, and part of me is viewing it from the outside, commenting, and judging... So I wasn't really on the verge of coming, even though I was intensely aroused. My Sir used me well, in many ways. Then, he fastned my hands behind me. Oh - that was what I was waiting for, I just didn't know it! He commanded me to move here, go there, get in this or that position, with my hands bound. I was having fun! Then, he got his rope and tied me up - I don't know the names or descriptions of bindings, but I gather my Sir is rather a master. I was tied with my legs open and knees bent. This time, when he fucked me, I began to come immediately. I was out of my mind and needed to ask permission, but I know it was granted and the rest is a blur.

I do remember that my Sir did certain very specific things: he slapped me, not to punish me, but so I would know my place. He spanked me, because he wanted to, and because he wanted to see my response (I was curious too!). He pinched my nipples, to see how sensitive they are. He used me as a tool to masturbate on, and came in my mouth. He made me answer riddles as a condition of getting permission to come. He called me a whore and a bitch and made me repeat it back to him. He make me come up with at least five synonyms for what he was doing to me, and recite them to him as he did it.

I was getting more than I had bargained for, and I was so very grateful.

At some point he left me. And when I was allowed to get up and go about my business, I realized he had been with me for nearly four hours. I couldn't believe it, it seemed like a dream, and it flew by.

Now I needed to assess - what did I like? Hate? Why? Did I want this man, or just the experience he had given me? Was I connecting to something real inside me, or was I just playing? Am I really submissive, or am I vanilla with a generous stripe of kink?

Oh, and I really did need to assess, because my Sir required a document evaluating him, and the experience he had given me :)

This was all two months ago, and I still don't have all the answers to these questions. But I am slowly learning what I am, and am not, and will continue to write it down, and how I'm getting to it.

** I have a bit of trouble translating exactly from Hebrew to English. The phrases aren't precise. The literal translation of what you might call sir or master or ... is 'my sir', so that's what I'll use when I'm being specific about my Master Cafe. Otherwise, I'll just use Dom or Master

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Have I thrown my values out the window?

It's extremely flattering to be pursued.

When I signed up to The Cage (BDSM community in Israel), I began getting dozens, if not hundreds of requests/introductions.

But at the start, when the numbers were still sort of sane, I was a bit less selective. I described in my last post how I basically gave myself to one of the first people who even spoke to me. But it isn't just that he was one of the first. I might not have all the tools yet to determine who is a good match for me D/s-wise, but as a human being I know what I like: Communication, sophistication, cleverness... When someone writes to me "I liked your profile. Can we meet?", the chances are I won't meet them. I'm just a bit bored with the fact they didn't say anything about themselves (and many of the profiles are empty), and they didn't think they need to "market" themselves at all.

But then I got this:

"I've already invested in our relationship (in Hebrew there is a lovely word for "couplehood" that just doesn't exist in English). I looked up the meaning of your username. Is it possible you are really into the room where priests change their clothes?"

Okay, so maybe some of the humor is lost in translation. But he looked up the meaning of vestry, not vestri, and came up with a Catholic church reference. Which actually does it for some people, hehe, but wasn't my intent.

But I loved that he was thinking about my nick, that he made an effort, and the intelligence and humor that oozed from every word he wrote. I wrote back, then he wrote back, and we were so engaged in this light, surprising, delightful dialog, that before I knew it I had pretty much committed to him, inasmuch as you can through PMs in The Cage.

I couldn't wait to meet him. And I did, and it was great. I'll tell about that too. But what is more important for me to share right now is my mental state, my thoughts, my emotions, at this stage of my self-discovery as a submissive.

I was "with" Domino. I shouldn't have been. It wasn't fair of him to claim me just because I met him for a session. And there is no real reason I have to give his claim any legitimacy. But I wasn't clear on the rules, or even what I wanted or expected. And here I am meeting with someone else. There is a fundamental dishonesty here that I would never have allowed myself in any vanilla relationship.

Also, my new Dom (Cafe) is married. That is also a bright-line limitation I do not cross in my "real" life. So why in my BDSM persona am I allowing things I never would before? Have my ethics and values changed? Are the rules really that different? Am I making allowances for myself just because I'm that horny?

This was the next big question I had to deal with: What are the rules of engagement, and how do I reach synchronicity between my true values and the world I am exploring?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

My entry into a new world

I mentioned I signed up to "the" Israeli BDSM forum... But of course there are more than one. This one is the largest, and most people who participate in other online communities also belong here. So I tend to think of it as "the".

I wasn't thinking when I got there. I didn't really know what I wanted. I just knew that I was horny and curious and that something had "clicked" in my brain, and I needed to run with it.

I filled out a profile, and within minutes was getting messages in my inbox. I began corresponding with a couple of the Doms who wrote me, and within days I already met one of them for my very first session.

I wasn't being very careful, and I'm pretty lucky things turned out okay. Though I also think that I have good instincts about people, even online, so it wasn't just luck.

"Domino" and I set a time to meet - at my place. I waited for him on my bed, on all four, with my head down so I couldn't see him. He blindfolded me, and began the session. Because of my inexperience, he didn't do anything extreme at all - it was much more about the tone of voice, obedience, etc. I didn't feel attracted to him, but my level of excitement was so high, that when he fucked me I was ready for it, hungry for it... then he slapped me.

I was terrified of this - I knew I wanted to be dominated, but I never thought I could have someone strike me and consider it acceptable. But under the circumstances - especially because I couldn't see it coming - it was just all that more exciting, and I began to come. Hard.

Other than being blindfolded and slapped, there were no particular "acts" that would be unusual in a vanilla setting. But the setting wasn't vanilla at all, and I was getting exactly the experience I wanted.

When he left, he had me close my eyes and count to 300. The idea being that I couldn't really know if he left or not, and was testing me. I complied. I can't say that there wasn't the part of my brain that said, "this is a silly game!", but once I commit to a course of action, I stick with it. If I play a game, I try to play it well.

From Domino's perspective, I was now His. But I was very dissatisfied with him as my Dom. I didn't really get the attention I needed, and in spite of his assertions that "we need to talk about everything" and "communication is the most important thing", I didn't feel he was available to me. So I kept looking.

Which wasn't difficult - the messages were pouring in. I got hundreds of them in just those first few days.

And yet - I still had so much to learn, and having already thrown myself head first into this, it was difficult to slow down enough to think things through.

So I kept hurtling headlong into this new chapter of my life.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Hello out there

I hope someone is out there reading this. Because I've considered simply keeping a journal, but I would lose the sense that I'm sharing my experience, and the opportunity to get feedback. Never mind the sense of exposure which is also an element for me :-)

So let me introduce myself: My real name isn't Vestri, but it is my nick in the world of BDSM. Which I have just recently discovered. I'm 42 years old, and I'm told that no one first discovers they are a submissive at this age. So first I'd like to describe how I find myself here, defining myself with a label, and then I'll just take it from there.

I am not a submissive person in "real life". My vanilla personality is aggressive, opinionated, smart, outspoken, and many other adjectives that most people do not associate with submission.

However, my sexual persona has always been submissive. I never labled it as such, it just was. I like being led. I like being physically manipulated. I like overpowering sex. Sometimes these tendencies were more expressed, sometimes less. But they were always there. Now, from the perspective of someone who is more aware and experienced in the D/s dynamic, I can identify many prior experiences as being within this context. But my lack of awareness at those points got in the way of getting what I wanted.

Recently, I met someone online in a news forum, and we began to flirt, then to play. The flirtation turned into a game of Truth or Dare, which very quickly became extremely raunchy. From Messenger to SMS to phone calls to webcam, we exposed and dared each other day and night for about five days. I was so constantly horny, I don't ever remember being that turned on for such an extended period of time. The funny part to me was that I wasn't all that interested in daring him - I was hooked into everything he commanded me to do.

We ended up meeting, and it was amazing. It wasn't the best sex I ever had, but the whole experience was mind blowing. From the way he told me to wait for him, to the anonymous character of the encounter... The next day I was still in high gear, and couldn't come down. My webcam guy was sick - or so he said - and not available to me. I was going out of my mind, and felt I needed to continue or escalate the experience.

I couldn't stop thinking of what about the game and experience was really doing it for me - I've never been sexually reticent, I've had my share of adventures, anonymous or not, and this was different. I kept focusing on the control issue - whatever I was commanded to do, I performed, with total and unquestioning obedience. I then remembered a friend of mine from another online forum (none of these are sex-related forums), who once confided to me that she was in this community, and that she was a sub. This blew my mind, because she was so strong and so smart and so opinionated... You can see where this is taking me.

So I did an online search, and found the Israeli BDSM forum, and joined it.

That is the beginning of my story - and what I found when I got here was a bit more than I bargained for!