Monday, April 14, 2008

Kink BBQ and not taking NO for an answer

On Saturday, I went to my very first "event". This wasn't a staged event, where BDSMers put on a show or play... It was simply a barbeque put on by a core group of vetaran kinksters.

The significance is that it was my first time socializing with anyone from the community. It was really nice, but also strange. It was strange because these are not necessarily people I would bond with outside of our kink. But also nice, because open discussion of topics I otherwise keep very discreet is really refreshing.

A twist on the whole thing is that I was invited by a Dom who is clearly interested in me, and so I can't pretend it was "just" socializing. And given the state of my mind and nerves, this is a twist I might not need.

So even though I keep saying I'm slowing things down, I've allowed things to accelerate again:

* I haven't ended things with my Sir, even though we had a long, difficult, tearful talk yesterday about the fact that things are probably winding down between us. I'm not being fair to him or to myself - I should just cut it off. But I'm having trouble letting go, and he will apparently settle for any part of me I want to give him... Though if I'm not exclusive, he won't be exclusive, and that's a whole other can of worms.

* I began meeting another Dom who is just charming to me - he's just starting to live the lifestyle. It's ironic that I would be the one to help break him in, given my own lack of experience... And I don't see this developing into anything more serious, but he's in the mix.

* I have two other Doms I'm talking to by phone or online that I'm actually interested in. One is a better candidate because he's actually available, not married or living far away...

* I have one other Dom I was talking to, but do not think I'm interested in, but whom I've agreed to meet for coffee (am going in about 5 minutes in fact). I need to learn to be more assertive. I mean, I won't *do* anything I don't want to with anyone I don't want to, but even the discussions and meetings for coffee take their toll.

* There is a whole array of others with whom I have some degree of contact or other... Haven't made any promises, don't intend to. But I really need to stop being so damn NICE. It's killing me.

PS. Came back from coffee. Told Y. I didn't see it happening - he too is married, and lives far away. He's convinced I really do want him and am just being defensive, putting up walls. I really don't see him as an option, though I'm flattered by the attention. He won't push me into a relationship, but is not really letting go.

I had another one I corresponded with for a few weeks by mail and phone, and met once for coffee. After due consideration, I told him I wasn't interested. He's still messaging me and calling.

Is it an ego thing that causes so many Doms to simply not accept that it isn't right? Why is "no" such a hard answer to believe?


Zardozlash said...

hello Vestri, I came to your blog through fetlife where I saw your postings in sub group. I read all your blog entries before posting a comment. I first must say that I loved every moment of it! you are a gem , and the delightfull descriptions of your mistakes should be made a mandatory reading for all newbees LOL. I will write more to you in fetlife Keep it up I really agree with David , it is fantastic

David said...

Sounds like a good time at the BBQ, and good to hear you are slowing down, ROFL.


Vestri said...

Awwww, thanks!


Charli said...

I don't know why "no" is so hard to believe.

Finding the "right" partner for a fulfilling D/s relationship is extremely hard. There are so many facets to Domination and Submission and everyone has such different likes and dislikes (okay I admit, women more than men)....many men, I have found, are simply happy that the woman submits to them, and that is enough; but for women, the "type" of Domination is of the utmost importance......and there are so many different "types"!!!!

You are lucky, however, that you seem to have many to choose from!