Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Hello out there

I hope someone is out there reading this. Because I've considered simply keeping a journal, but I would lose the sense that I'm sharing my experience, and the opportunity to get feedback. Never mind the sense of exposure which is also an element for me :-)

So let me introduce myself: My real name isn't Vestri, but it is my nick in the world of BDSM. Which I have just recently discovered. I'm 42 years old, and I'm told that no one first discovers they are a submissive at this age. So first I'd like to describe how I find myself here, defining myself with a label, and then I'll just take it from there.

I am not a submissive person in "real life". My vanilla personality is aggressive, opinionated, smart, outspoken, and many other adjectives that most people do not associate with submission.

However, my sexual persona has always been submissive. I never labled it as such, it just was. I like being led. I like being physically manipulated. I like overpowering sex. Sometimes these tendencies were more expressed, sometimes less. But they were always there. Now, from the perspective of someone who is more aware and experienced in the D/s dynamic, I can identify many prior experiences as being within this context. But my lack of awareness at those points got in the way of getting what I wanted.

Recently, I met someone online in a news forum, and we began to flirt, then to play. The flirtation turned into a game of Truth or Dare, which very quickly became extremely raunchy. From Messenger to SMS to phone calls to webcam, we exposed and dared each other day and night for about five days. I was so constantly horny, I don't ever remember being that turned on for such an extended period of time. The funny part to me was that I wasn't all that interested in daring him - I was hooked into everything he commanded me to do.

We ended up meeting, and it was amazing. It wasn't the best sex I ever had, but the whole experience was mind blowing. From the way he told me to wait for him, to the anonymous character of the encounter... The next day I was still in high gear, and couldn't come down. My webcam guy was sick - or so he said - and not available to me. I was going out of my mind, and felt I needed to continue or escalate the experience.

I couldn't stop thinking of what about the game and experience was really doing it for me - I've never been sexually reticent, I've had my share of adventures, anonymous or not, and this was different. I kept focusing on the control issue - whatever I was commanded to do, I performed, with total and unquestioning obedience. I then remembered a friend of mine from another online forum (none of these are sex-related forums), who once confided to me that she was in this community, and that she was a sub. This blew my mind, because she was so strong and so smart and so opinionated... You can see where this is taking me.

So I did an online search, and found the Israeli BDSM forum, and joined it.

That is the beginning of my story - and what I found when I got here was a bit more than I bargained for!


David said...

Welcome "Vestri", I think as you write more and get responses, you will find that many girls are in the same space as you. Coming to grips with their submissiveness in there 30's and 40's and recognizing, now that they have the vocabulary and context, that they have felt it for so long before.

Welcome, live long and prosper, we will look forward to learning more and contributing our thoughts, ideas and perspectives to you.

(who just loves taking a blog virgin and being her first (smirk))

Vestri said...

Thanks, David

I could never forget my first... :)

I'm glad to get some positive reinforcement for discovering myself now. Israelis tend to be pretty definite about "how things are", which means that everyone I speak to thinks everyone else is just like them, or else they "aren't really a [submissive]" (fill in the brackets with any noun - a Master, a Dom, a woman, a man, a ...)

I look forward to more people discovering me here and responding. I am always interested in getting other perspectives.

Thanks for visiting!