Tuesday, April 22, 2008


My life is kind of a mess right now. I'm still dealing with Magnus' situation, and now it looks like I have a month of very intensive treatments ahead, and only after that will we know what his true prognosis is.

Work is really bad. I like my job, but hate my boss, and he's making my life miserable. Hard enough to deal with when I don't have cat and BDSM issues to handle.

On the BDSM front, I am also in a good news/bad news situation. I am going to end it with my Sir this week. I don't know if I should do it by phone, messenger, or in person. This issue with how/when to communicate has been part of the problem. But if I needed a trigger, this combination of holiday (when he wasn't available by any means) and my very difficult days with the cat... He could have been in touch, but hardly bothered, and I've received virtually no emotional support from him. Late last night he tried, but it really was too little too late. I can't give of myself to someone who doesn't cherish me. If all I want is someone to play with, I can get that close by, from men who are single and more available.

I need to understand for myself, though, why I need a trigger. Why I am so afraid to hurt him, basically putting his needs before mine, in a very fundamental way, not in the sense of a D/s dynamic, the way I understand or want it. Why should I be this concerned with his hurt feelings, when I'm dealing with real life problems, and he doesn't seem to be equally concerned with my feelings?

Maybe I really am a masochist :)

Ha, it didn't come across that way, but that was the good news. The not-so-good news (in terms of me complicating my life as usual) is that things have taken a turn with EVERYONE I was just talking to. It actually came about because of Magnus - I had no way to get to/from the hospital... I'm a city-dweller, think NYC, and the hospital is out of town. So one offered to take me, the other to pick me up... Meanwhile I was already playing with the third... So now I've met both "potentials" in person, both have been supportive, both are attractive... Damn damn damn. I can't even play with four different people, never mind create anything meaningful.

So I continue to muddle along in my crazy, careening way. I was actually on messenger with four separate men at the same time last night, and I didn't want to close any of the windows. I'm an addict. Or obsessed. Or just a slut (for attention, at least, hehe).

Or maybe I need a true Master who will force me to put my life in order.


David said...

Always love reading your posts, and hear how things are slowing down for you on the ole D/s front vestri. Four IM windows, rapt attention on all four, and poor girl with only two hands. Poor baby, LOL.

On a more serious front, I am glad things are stablizing with magnus, and will keep him in my thoughts.

Hang in there kid, we are thinking positive thoughts for you.

Alice said...

As submissives, we want to please, we crave validation and approval - at least in this aspect of our lives. That may be why you are agonizing over how to end things. Just remember, do not settle. Eventually, you will find someone you 'click' with. Someone who is willing to put forth the effort on all fronts in order to gain your submission.