Friday, April 25, 2008

My baby is gone

Magnus died today. I thought he was getting better, but he had different ideas. I wasn't with him, I was at work dealing with my psycho boss, and he went away. I don't know that I can forgive myself for being away when he was so sick.

I love him so much, I'm not even digesting it yet.

Erez, one of my potentials, has been there for me throughout this ordeal. He has helped me, and sympathized, and supported me. He helped me arrange the burial. No one else did any of these things, not even my friends.

I feel so bound to him now. I don't want it to be just out of gratitude. I hope it's not. I hope that the fact that he was there to take care of me is just an extension of what we already saw as potential... I only wish he wasn't the married one. He is married and going to stay that way, because he has a wife who is disabled, and he isn't the type to abandon anyone who he made a commitment to and who relies on him.

I really wish that either of my other 'friends' had stepped up to the plate. But they didn't, and that speaks volumes. Meanwhile, Cafe-my-former-Sir, is exceeding himself with online support. But he knows he couldn't have been there, and so do I, so it's bittersweet and we're exchanging many loving messages, but they are still "after" notes, and we're not going back.

I'm going to sleep now.


Alice said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain, but I do understand and will be thinking of you.

David said...

I am sorry that Magnus is gone vestri, but you know it is only his corporeal being. He will live on in your heart, with fond memories and recollections. Give that love to Lexi, draw comfort from it and know it was as hard for Magnus to go as it was for you to see him go.

I don't know if you are familar with Rainbos Bridge. I lost a dog I was very fond of a few months ago, and we have all lost dearly loved pets, I hope this will help you some:

Rainbow Bridge

Vestri said...

Thank you {{{}}}

selkie said...

I am so sorry about your baby; there is nothing anyone can say taht will make you feel better right now - just that I have been there and mourned the loss of a creature who entered my soul and I know the pain. I wish I could help.