Friday, May 2, 2008

Two down?

The following is something I posted about my prospective Dom (Erez) in a journal on another forum. I'm reposting rather than writing a whole new entry.

I'm struggling with something that over the last few days has touched at the core of how I feel as a submissive, or at least defining myself as such.

I've been in contact with a new Dom . We've been flirting for a while, and he was the one who was there for me when my cat got sick, and then died. So I'm feeling very bound to him. Our few meetings have made me want him very badly.

But most of our contact is by Messenger, and almost every day, in every way, I am feeling judged and tested, and not cherished or accepted. He's given me two assignments -- the first I carried out, though it was difficult for me. Even made me resent him. And when we discussed it, he understood the difficulty, and even apologized for making me do something he thought would be pleasurable but wasn't... But I thought I felt in his tone that he was disappointed in me.

Today he gave me another assignment. I accepted it. But apparently he expected me to jump for joy or thank him. I didn't feel good about the assignment, or bad about it -- just accepting.

And the truth is, I am so tired, so depressed, so stressed, not sleeping nights -- I just can't imagine jumping for joy at anything, never mind a fairly minor assignment. More on my mind are my problems at work, the death of my cat, my exhaustion...

So my questions to myself are: Is my lack of enthusiasm truly a slap in his face? Or is he perhaps expecting too much of me? Am I wrong to expect more cultivation from him?

Because if he's just wrong for me, I want to end it now. But if it's a blip because of circumstances, I want to work through it.

How do I know?

NB: After this, I had another exausting conversation with E, during which he indicated that the fact that I stated a limit he doesn't like is an indication that I don't really want to submit to him, and that I don't really care about his wants and desires. I felt entirely manipulated, because a) He's known about this limit since before we ever became close, so he shouldn't use it against me now, b) I really do have a right to my limits, they have nothing to do with him, c) It was yet another way for him to try and make me feel inadequate... And I sure didn't need any more.

I've pretty much determined that this is just wrong -- a wrong relationship, the wrong Dom. Not what I need right now, anyway. But somehow I'm as indecisive as I ever seem to be, lol, so it might take me another conversation or two to really decide.


David said...

Yes, vestri, Two Down!!

Go with your feelings, your gut, your intuition. Do what is right for you, now, at this time. I think your warning signs are right on. If you are wrong in the long run, you can always back track.

(I am not sure if you were asking for an opinion or just venting to yourself - - but as I have always said, Everyone is entitled to my opinion, lol)


Vestri said...

Thanks, David

I was asking for opinions... But yours are always welcome in any case!