Wednesday, August 6, 2008


I bear your mark on me.

It doesn’t hurt anymore, but I still feel it. A scar that is more than physical, worn on my shoulder for the world to see.

It did hurt, a delicious ache that kept you with me… on me… inside me 24/7, at work, at sleep, at play… You probably forgot it, but I couldn’t if I wanted to.

I wonder if you know what it feels like to have someone that close. I wonder if you can fathom how that mark penetrated my heart. I certainly didn’t realize it at the time. It happened slowly, incrementally… Every time my hand distractedly wandered to that place near my neck and felt the bruising, the scab, the swelling. And it made me smile. And it made me vulnerable.

I’m not sure what to do with that feeling now. I’m not sure I would change it if I could. I can only wish that the vulnerability had been acknowledged, even cherished, and that I had felt protected, even for just a little while.

Because whatever happens between us, or has already happened, that mark now has a life of its own, to be explained to any new lover, or even to a discerning casual observer. For me to glimpse at odd moments in the mirror.

Should it represent my naiveté? My vulnerability? My stupidity? Or can it stand for something better? I would really like that.

July 2008


David said...

hello vestri, it is good to have you back over here, it is a zoo at FetLife, it seems so cluttered and difficult to navigate on a casual basis, and I guess this just feels more personal and intimate. I am sorry about the troubles you have been wrint about recently.

I agree with selkie, and offer the following unsolicited advice, the relationships you for with people "in the lifestyle" ought to follow the same track and "vanilla" relationships.

I see so many people get wrapped up in play relationships that then seem to want to turn into real connections and they often lack the fundamental foundation.

It is great to have fun no strings kink or sex or whatever, but in the end it seems to come back down to just people realting to each other.

I now return control of your tv set to you.

Welcome Home


Vestri said...

Nice to be back, and to see you here, David :)

I always appreciate your advice...

Here's my take: I think when you have a 3-month (or longer) relationship with anyone (as friends, lovers, play partners, tennis buddies...) some emotions get involved. It isn't natural not to care about someone who is a daily presence in your life.

I think that when domination/submission comes into the mix, the possibility for it touching deeper is not only possible, but almost necessary.

I can't submit to someone and not be giving them a piece of myself. Not make myself vulnerable.

Now, that doesn't mean that the relationship must be more committed, longer term, exclusive, romantic, or any other such "big" concept.

But it does mean that the person on the other side has to be aware of the meanings, of the possibilities... Has to take responsibility for his actions (true of anyone, at any time).

And I had reason to expect that here: Supposedly the whole connection was based on friendship. I didn't make up the closeness.

And if he wanted to end it, he should have just said so. There is no excuse for playing with someone's mind, leading here but then doint that, there...

So this could have happened just as easily in a vanilla setting. If someone is going to be manipulative the minute anything gets too tough, or too deep, there aren't always warning signs.

I am truly over it now, I'm happy to say :)

David said...

I did not understand that it had been going on for 3 months and certainly do not mean to justify his behavior. I am glad you learned earlier rather than later.

It seems amazing that someone can just turn off like that and almost instaneously.

Almost like another interested developed for him suddenly? I am glad it is behind you.