Sunday, July 20, 2008

I need to be a girl for a bit

(This was written a couple of weeks ago. I didn't feel happy about posting it at the time, but I'm missing my release of blogging. So here it is.)

I really feel like crying.

One of the ironies of my life is that while I define myself as a submissive, and feel most alive when I submit, the truth of my life is that I am actually in constant control, and can be very dominating. I have no choice – I am the strong one, the smart one, the one who can handle things; the decision maker.

My whole life I failed to realize just how badly I wanted to let go that control, just drop the reins.

And that takes a lot of trust, more than I possess.No, that isn’t accurate… I just don’t have the habit of trusting. And I haven’t found anyone to trust.

And this want, this need… It’s eating me from the inside.

So why do I say I need to be a girl… Because very often, I act like a “man”. Yes, in quotes. As I said, strong, decisive, and also – able to fuck around, casually, and with little emotion and few complications.

And then I met someone who upset my existing order.

A dom who is fairly immersed and well-known in the local community. I’m new to this life and community, so I don’t know who’s who, I just lucked out I guess. But when we met I told him I wasn’t available for anything exclusive. I was still in a D/s connection (which was in the break up stage, but wasn’t final). But I also was in a major sub frenzy, wanting to experience anything and everything.

So we started something casual, uncommitted. But with misunderstandings right from the start. He didn’t fully understand my existing connection, I didn’t understand he was looking for a sub. I also didn’t understand that in his eyes, if we weren’t exclusive this wasn’t a D/s relationship… But we were having fun, and that is no small thing. Mutual pleasure, as he put it, with a fair dose of kink.

Meanwhile, I quickly grew tired of playing around. Irrespective of this connection, I “cleaned house”, and erased all the existing, past and potential suitors from my Messenger and phone.

With him… Here and there I caught on that he was holding back, but I didn’t really understand it. He explained that he doesn’t do “casual BDSM”, and I was the one who said I wasn’t available for that. So I said – well, then we have what to discuss! But he didn’t really answer, and I left it alone.

So now, I’m available and willing, but he’s in a totally different direction. Or, is he? Because right around this time the nature of the relationship began to alter. It became more intimate, and way more D/s. I found myself experiencing something totally new and addictive. But all this was done without any discussion, no stated change in the rules of the game. No new commitments.

Three months into this story, after all kinds of growth, closeness, [I felt] we reached some sort of high point. And suddenly, he just dropped me. At least that’s how I see it. We still chatted on Messenger (our most frequent type of communication), and on the surface, things seemed as usual. But two weekends in a row we didn’t see each other, nor did we speak on the phone, nor exchange SMSs. In Messenger, there were fewer “kisses” }{ and fewer “babe”s. And I suddenly felt that I was initiating most of the convos. However, on the public forums we participate in, there were still flirtatious messages, winks and grins, compliments and “plans”. But in reality – I couldn’t figure out when or if I would see him again.

Which is when I flew into an emotional tailspin. A month or so earlier – I wouldn’t have given a fuck. (Or not much of one.) One cock more or less doesn’t change my life. But now, he had touched my deepest places. And not just the hidden ones. He was leaving his mark on me physically, too – I felt him on me, in me, around me 24/7, whether I liked it or not (but I liked it). And then – he dropped me and I crashed. Like the most insane sub drop possible, because it just doesn’t end.

I admit I don’t really understand men. It is entirely possible that while I’m torturing myself with this situation, and wondering what I did wrong, or what I misunderstood, and trying to figure out what to do next… It is entirely possible that from where he sits, everything is just fine, and he was just tired or distracted, and in a few days we’ll pick up exactly where we left off.

But it doesn’t make sense to me that if he really wanted me, cared about me, that this much time could go by without me.

And I can’t even be mad, because he didn’t break any rules, or betray any commitments. There weren’t any.

But if he doesn’t care – why not just let me go? Why keep me hanging on?
Why am I the only one not sleeping nights?


So it turns out I am a girl after all. I open my heart, and not just my legs.

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