Thursday, July 24, 2008

Dear John letter

I understand that whatever we had is over. Without a word being said, or a decision being made. Quite the opposite, actually… Several times I asked, tried to figure out intentions or desires, and each time you said you want, you’re planning, there is a direction, there are fantasies, that you still want me.

But in actuality, nothing is happening. There is a saying, your actions speak so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying… Well, I was listening to what you said, and now I’m finally hearing your actions.

Please understand that I don’t have a problem with this. My only problem is that you haven’t been straight with me. I never had any expectations from you that were not of your own making, from things you said or promised or planned… I really wish you had been able to be more honest. I had a great time with you, and I felt that at minimum, we are friends. That we have a connection as people, never mind any additional definitions. But friends don’t hold each other in a state of limbo, insecurity, on the edge… And when I expressed my confusion, my questions, the fact that I suddenly felt vulnerable in a manner I am not accustomed to… I think the ball was in your court.

So to that extent, I am disappointed and hurt.

I’m not happy about saying all this in writing rather than in person, but the feeling that you just don’t want to talk to me, that you don’t want to be face to face, is so strong, that I can’t even bring myself to pick up a phone or try – yet again – to initiate any form of communication.

And understand also that my tears are not due to any D/s relationship that will not be, or sex that didn’t happen. They are because of the friendship, because of the trust, because of my vulnerability, which I have not allowed myself with anyone but you, you may be surprised to hear (nor not? I really have no idea).

So if I’m wrong, if I misunderstood, if there are things I don’t know or am not aware of –- please correct me. I’m not an angry or vindictive person, and I don’t hold grudges. Nor do I like giving up on friends.

If, on the other hand, I’ve hit the mark and finally “got it”, you are welcome to answer me or not, as you like. In either case I will wish you only the best, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you did give me, for the experience I had, for the things that I learned, and the little slice of my life that you were at the heart of.




selkie said...

I've read this and the one previous and my heart is with you - and you know what, you WERE betrayed.

This is just so damn reminiscent of things I went through when I was younger; with the guy saying "well, I didn't say that, or we VERBALLY agreed no commitments".. well you know what, you NAILED it here - actions DO speak louder than words and denying responsibility with words when your actions, emotions and actualities are saying one thing and not what the words are saying is duplitious and irresponsible - HIM, not you.

fucking players, no matter how jaded one gets, there is always that one that finds that little nick in your skin and worms his way in.

Feeling for you and wish I could say or do something that would help.

Vestri said...

Thank you, my dear sweet Selkie {{{ }}}

He is immature and irresponsible. And I was betrayed. But don't worry about me... I've worked through it as best I can. And other than the physical mark (a bite-mark scar -- hopefully not permanent), I am pretty much unscathed.

It was tough for a while, but I'm okay now.

Support from friends has played a big part in that.