Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Under consideration?

(cross-posted from a discussion I started on FetLife)

I've been seeing this dom for, oh, about two and a half months. The original terms of our relationship were very casual. He's poly, freshly out of a relationship, not looking for a commitment. So we played, spent time together, but no "official" titles of any kind were given to the relationship.

Over this period, I've had quite a few ups and downs with him, and been there for him throughout. Lately, we've become closer and closer. And it was becoming pretty clear that, with or without a title, I am in effect his sub. But still -- both of us are free to "play the field".

(Given the amount of time we've been spending together, there hasn't been too much of that. But we have added another girl as a third side to our triangle, and that's going pretty well so far. And he still spends a lot of time meeting people online. I'm okay with that so far.)

The other day, he flat out called me his sub in his blog, which led to a much more serious "wither goest the relationship?" kind of discussion. Good talk, recognition of what is already there. No real change, in other words.

Part of the discussion is his view (which I basically share) that there are different levels and even stages of being someone's sub (or dom, for that matter). In other words, I might be his sub, but I'm not in the same position as the 2-year, 24/7 sub he recently separated from... Nor is our 3rd side in the same position as me...

Beginning to make sense?

Probably not, lol.

Anyway, one day after this talk he springs on me that he wants me to put that I'm under his consideration in my profile (on our local community site). To him -- this is a very serious statement, and a necessary stage. To me -- I didn't go through "the steps" with him from the start, and now I'm already there as far as I'm concerned.

And trying to get any really well-defined answers as to what it means hasn't gone so well. He says "you know what it means" and treats my attempts to make it clearer as evasion, and lack of submission. (And to be honest, there is some truth to that.)

Which then brings me back to my question (some of you might remember my deliberations) about how much of a submissive I really am, how much my ego gets in my way, and all that... I really hate the "consideration" word (in Hebrew it is called being a "candidate").

I don't like feeling tested. I don't like putting myself "up for" acceptance or rejection. I don't like that I have to give up playing the field, and not really being clear on what I'm getting in return. I hate the feeling of giving up my options, even if there are no current options, or any that I really want.

So am I the only one who has an ego impediment here? Should I just be ecstatic that he asked me? When he asked my how I felt I told him I had a problem with the word "candidate" and he really didn't hear the rest of what I had to say, which is that I did get the warm and fuzzies about being asked...

So I'm confused.


David said...

My vestri is confused? again? how could that be? I think the "Colar of Consideration" is very much a candidate sort of thing. I have taken the liberty of copying and pasting below some Old School, Old Guard Ceremonial Collars kind of stuff.

I can understand your discomfort and confusion but you seem to play in the community/structured pool so probably ought to expect that kind constricted behavior and protocols?

Collar of consideration

The first collar offered is called the 'Collar of Consideration'.
This Collar is traditionally given at the very beginning of a potential relationship. This collar is worn for an agreed upon time. At the end of this time one of 3 things happens.

1) The time period is extended if both wish it. 2) Move on to the next step 3) The couple separate to look for someone more suitable to their tastes and needs The Dominant by offering this collar to the submissive is expressing an interest in pursuing a potential furthering of a relationship with that submissive beyond the range of a casual acquaintance or even the relationship between a Top and bottom. This collar is offered seriously and with intent. The submissive in accepting this collar from the Dominant is equally serious in their understanding that their relationship has moved into a different stage. The existence of the Collar of Consideration indicates to other Dominants and submissives that the Dominant and submissive involved are forming a potentially serious relationship, and to openly signify to other Dominants that this submissive is 'off-limits' for the duration of the 'consideration' period.

It is understood that new relationships are fragile and vulnerable to both parties involved. Adhering to the presence of collars, and their underlying meanings, shows respect for new relationships. The 'Collar of Consideration' does not indicate a lifelong commitment between the Dominant and submissive but might be better considered to be similar to a pre-engagement ring.

Should either Dominant or submissive decide after a period of time that the relationship or connection is not to their desire then either may politely withdraw from the offer or the acceptance with "NO FAULT" to either side. It is important that this collar be removed in the presence of both parties. Do not get mad and take it off to have the Dominant see it this way. If extensive attempts have been made to do so unsuccessfully then and ONLY then should the submissive remove the collar.

selkie said...

umm, from my perspective, I think there would be sevearl issues here. Do you WANT to be "considered" by him??? What are the parameters of that "consideration"? What are his expectations if you are submission being considered by him? This seems to be sprung from the blue and that doesn't seem clear.

Second, what are YOUR expectations? You have another woman on the periphery for both of you which you are comfortable with, and you say you are ok with his online play (which sounds extensive) - so where the "up" side and the special part for you? What are YOU looking for in a D/s scenario? Poly? He continues to play? You continue to play?

I think from your post it seems to me that you guys need to sit down and have an honest and above-board clear discussion about what being "under consideration" means - to him, to you - then make a decision based on that.

To me, it is almost like he is "hedging" his bets - but then that's me and I tend to be cynical.

selkie said...

and it is NOT a "lack" of submissin to want clear and unequivocal answers - it is intelligence and self-protection.

Vestri said...

@ David -- LOL, yep... good at getting myself confused :)

I don't think the community here is as structured as all *that*... But Mr. C certainly seems to like his standards, and likes things to go according to his plan...,

@ Selkie -- certainly, I need to have more communication with him to determine the answers to all these questions. Our first attempt was a bit stunted by my lack of unadulterated enthusiasm and his disappointment.

And I appreciate your cynicism... Except he doesn't really need to hedge his bets with me. I've been there for him, through a LOT. It's not like I'm going to bail on him now that things are GOOD.

To him, this is a sort of commitment. Not a lack of commitment. On both our parts (though I imagine he intends to give himself a bit more freedom than I'm likely to get, lol).

I'm not sure if I want it or not. But now that I've spent 24 hours thinking about it (incessantly) I realize I was very put off by the *term* "consideration". If I scratch that surface, there is something deeper and more meaningful there. THAT is what I need to consider, do I want it?

Thanks to both of you for your very insightful input (((HUGS)))

lizi said...

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