Confusion

I haven't been here much lately.

Not because I don't have what to write, life truly has been a roller coaster ride.

Mostly because I don't really have the time.

Don't have the energy.

Am not clear on what I want to say.

...

Today, I'm feeling sad and doubtful. Not for the first time.

I'm feeling a strong urge to run, to end things, to say "fuck it, this just isn't me" and stop trying.

I don't know if my urge is from the true places in my heart, or from my fears. If it is the first -- I should run! And no matter what I feel I am giving up in the process, which is A LOT. If it is the second, I need to understand where my fears come from, and deal with them. Eliminate them. Because they are getting in the way.

...

I'm probably not going to be able to be truly clear on what is bothering me, what the situation is. Because it's complicated, and emotional, and very much related to things in my psyche that I can't easily express.

But here are some highlights:

1. My master is an alcoholic. He is a very high-functioning alcoholic... No Jekyll/Hyde stuff, no missed work, no general destructiveness... But when things happen or discussions take place, or decisions need to be made, it makes a difference, even if sometimes a subtle one. And this isn't something I can change. No words or actions from me will make him stop drinking. He needs to get there himself, so he will or he won't when he decides it's time, if ever.
   
   I just need to decide if I can live with this.
   
   
2. Nature of the relationship: This isn't a pure d/s situation. We practically live together. We entertain (vanilla) friends together. We cook and clean and hang out with the kids. For all intents and purposes, we are a couple. BUT. He won't have ANY of that. He is in dread of being part of a couple, as he ended a very intense, deep, long-term relationship just before I met him. So on one hand, there is development of an emotional relationship and living an everyday life of a relationship... But I can't have a discussion that even sounds like it assumes the existence of a relationship. Because then his resistence kicks in, and I get a kick in the ass.
   
   I don't do well with "pretend". I don't do well when my emotions are involved to this extent, but I can't express and protect and develop them. He hints to me, and sometimes more than hints, that it is just a matter of time, that I need to be patient. That the key to building and recognizing that relationship is my submission. But all this pretense interferes with my submission. To the point of erasing it completely.
   
   
3. Switching. He defines himself as a switch. But he isn't really. Mentally, he is 100% dom. But he likes to be topped, physically. He wants me to do the topping. I'm learning that place, I have it in me. But it puts me in dom mode, and also interferes with my submission. Also, there are only so many hours in a day or week that can be devoted to sex and/or play, and right now they are primarily spent in that situation -- me topping him. So that interferes with my submission, and also comes at a cost of me getting what I need here. I really do need to be topped, it's what I got involved in this lifestyle for.
   
   
4. Polyamory. When I met him, I knew he was poly. It didn't bother me, because I wasn't intending on getting involved in a relationship with him (same with the alcoholism). When the relationship began to intensify, he told me it shouldn't matter, because he really only has one sub, and everything else is "smelling the roses along the way". But now, he has another sub. I really didn't sign up for this. I don't mind a "visitor" now and then, but this is another relationship. Clearly not as close, not as deep, not as intense as ours. But it continually grows and develops, as relationships do. It isn't just someone who comes over to play.
   
   He says it has nothing to do with me, it doesn't affect my place with him, that I really shouldn't mind it at all. But I do mind it. I don't like being part of a harem.

On the positive side, the reason I entered this relationship, is that Cheetah, my dom and master, is the first person -- EVER -- who saw into me. Really saw into me. He brings out things in me that I didn't think I ever could. He provides me with warmth, and love, and excitement, and fun. He's an amazing person, and I feel that I was put on this path for a reason. For two reasons, actually.

One, submission. I never really really submitted before. I played at submission, and mostly just bottomed, physically. In my profile at FetLife, for example, I changed my status from sub to bottom, because I didn't really feel I was a sub when it came down to it. But Cheetah brings it out in me, gives me a glimpse of what can be in that place, and allows me to recognize that I do want to be there, to truly submit.

Obviously, I'm not there yet.

The second, is a concept I'm not sure how to say in English. It exists in Kabbalah, if anyone wants to look it up... Tikkun. Tikkun means to "fix" something. It doesn't have to be something actually broken -- it can be an improvement, growth, awakening, enlightenment... All kinds of stuff, that often another person, event or relationship can trigger. I think Cheetah has a special skill, magical almost, of seeing where people act from, what their deeper motivations are, what is in their mind and soul, and he knows how to lead from that place. I'm not with him for psychotherapy, that isn't the point. But he has something to offer that I want. He sees my insides, and sees my potential, and sees where I've been, and where I can go... No one ever has before, I'm not sure anyone ever will again. It is a truly rare gift. So this is part of what I don't want to give up on.

So the bottom line is all about submission. I want to, don't know if I can. I want to truly submit to HIM, but don't really know if I can trust him. I do, about 98% of the time. But those extra 2% seem to be pretty crucial.

It's what it all comes down to -- the alcohol, the poly, the definitions, the relationship, the sex, the top/bottom dynamic... It comes down to whether I can submit, want to submit, am resisting, am afraid... Or if it is all just wrong for me.

I really don't know, and so I continue to struggle.

I did it!

It took me a while, and a lot of thinking, and talking about it...

But in the end I realized: I knew all along that I wanted to take the next step with Mr. C. Whatever it was... I just needed to get comfortable with the idea.

I never did warm up to the term consideration, but in my discussions with him it became clear he wasn't tied to the word. What he wanted was the commitment -- a definition of a new stage in the relationship, that isn't the "whole" thing yet. In other words -- no collar, but a public announcement that I am under his care, tutelage, protection... That I am his sub.

It was mine to ask for, and I did need to ask.

So when I realized that the decision had been made, the discussions had been had, the clarifications made (not all was made clear, lol... part of what was made clear was simply that I am jumping in the pool without testing that there is water... That I need to trust him, and I don't need to know everything). Anyway, when all that had been determined, I wrote a letter expressing my thoughts and feelings about the development of our relationship, and asking him to give me permission to write in my profile (rough translation):

I have placed the keys to the kingdom in the hands of Cheetah. From today, he is the master who leads me and tests me and protects me and enables me and helps me to develop and grow, to reach my rightful place.

The place where I belong.

The surface meaning of the words is pretty clear, but behind each word was a thought and significance from our many conversations of what it means to him, to me, to submit. And that is why I was able to eliminate the term consideration... He understood what I did, I understood what he wanted, and I believe we are both satisfied :)

It hasn't been entirely easy, but I'm happy!

Under consideration?

(cross-posted from a discussion I started on FetLife)

I've been seeing this dom for, oh, about two and a half months. The original terms of our relationship were very casual. He's poly, freshly out of a relationship, not looking for a commitment. So we played, spent time together, but no "official" titles of any kind were given to the relationship.

Over this period, I've had quite a few ups and downs with him, and been there for him throughout. Lately, we've become closer and closer. And it was becoming pretty clear that, with or without a title, I am in effect his sub. But still -- both of us are free to "play the field".

(Given the amount of time we've been spending together, there hasn't been too much of that. But we have added another girl as a third side to our triangle, and that's going pretty well so far. And he still spends a lot of time meeting people online. I'm okay with that so far.)

The other day, he flat out called me his sub in his blog, which led to a much more serious "wither goest the relationship?" kind of discussion. Good talk, recognition of what is already there. No real change, in other words.

Part of the discussion is his view (which I basically share) that there are different levels and even stages of being someone's sub (or dom, for that matter). In other words, I might be his sub, but I'm not in the same position as the 2-year, 24/7 sub he recently separated from... Nor is our 3rd side in the same position as me...

Beginning to make sense?

Probably not, lol.

Anyway, one day after this talk he springs on me that he wants me to put that I'm under his consideration in my profile (on our local community site). To him -- this is a very serious statement, and a necessary stage. To me -- I didn't go through "the steps" with him from the start, and now I'm already there as far as I'm concerned.

And trying to get any really well-defined answers as to what it means hasn't gone so well. He says "you know what it means" and treats my attempts to make it clearer as evasion, and lack of submission. (And to be honest, there is some truth to that.)

Which then brings me back to my question (some of you might remember my deliberations) about how much of a submissive I really am, how much my ego gets in my way, and all that... I really hate the "consideration" word (in Hebrew it is called being a "candidate").

I don't like feeling tested. I don't like putting myself "up for" acceptance or rejection. I don't like that I have to give up playing the field, and not really being clear on what I'm getting in return. I hate the feeling of giving up my options, even if there are no current options, or any that I really want.

So am I the only one who has an ego impediment here? Should I just be ecstatic that he asked me? When he asked my how I felt I told him I had a problem with the word "candidate" and he really didn't hear the rest of what I had to say, which is that I did get the warm and fuzzies about being asked...

So I'm confused.

Feeling good

I just am.

This week has been another week of highs. Not as crazy as that last time... no. But better, oh yes.

This week was a holiday here (our New Year), so I didn't work very much. I went to a fet party and I'm starting to feel part of the community... I knew a lot of people. I got a lot of attention. I was groovin' all over the place :-D

Let's just call it playful :) Playful with a very lovely couple of friends, playful with the same girlfriend I got playful with last time, and the flogger of an old familiar friend got playful with my ass.

I had even brought a date (vanilla with kinks, not BDSM) but he was sort of... Not involved. For the most part. But he was by far the best looking guy at the party so that was okay too.

Day after -- picnic in the park with my lovely young couple. Yummy ;-)

Next day at work I found out that this bitch from our New York office who has been making my life hell had been asked to leave... Happy New Year to me! I'm still walking on air.

And the weekend was filled with renewed intimacy (and new-frontier sessions) with Mr. C. (Only one tough moment that I hope we've overcome... Can't seem to get away from those with him :/ )

So this week has been very BDSM-ey and fun, and happy, and I'm high on endorphins and music and food and youth.

For the two weeks prior to that I was involved in an actual romance that doesn't seem to have a chance in hell of going anywhere but which has been really nice to be in. The idiot lives in France, so...

Yeah. We'll see.

But today is a beautiful day and I'm planning to enjoy it!

No such thing as perfection

Well, it didn't work out. Kinda crashed and burned, even.

Can't say I'm surprised. Another emotional cripple. Must be the 13th tribe of Israel.

I was a bit disappointed for a while, just because I really never meet anyone to get excited over. But I think I really jumped the gun on that one anyway... He didn't really merit the excitement.

I'm a bit frustrated that the only two guys I've met in recent months that I consistently like are one guy who is just a fuck-buddy, and while he is pleasantly kinky is really not BDSM; and another who was just visiting from France. No one local.

Maybe I gotta get outta here, LOL

Moments on hold

Yes, my perfect moment was with the perfect-on-paper guy. It wasn't the best moment of my life or anything like that... It was just like how I defined it -- a moment that was exactly what it was supposed to be.

I was sooooo nervous about meeting him... but when I got there it was just natural. The connection was immediate, and we both felt our initial instincts had been good.

So comfortable. So right. So easy.

We had an amazing time, and no, I'm not giving details :)

The upshot, though, is that though we crafted a plan to spend the weekend together and "begin" something, he's had a family crisis since then. His mother was admitted to the hospital, and had open heart surgery last night.

Betwixt and between... I don't really know how I feel about things right now. He was supposed to go on a business trip today for a week and a half, so we had a window of about three days to get to know each other first... And that window has closed.

I'm assuming he cancelled the trip now, but I don't actually know because we haven't been speaking, at all.

Now, it's hard to argue with a mother in surgery and family crisis... But at the same time it's hard for me to believe he hasn't had ANY time for communicating with me.

On the other hand, one night, as significant as it felt, doesn't create relationship-level obligations...

On yet another hand, though, the things that were said, the tone and content of "how things were" that night and the morning after... Yes, some expectations have been created.

So now I'm on hold. I'm trying to be understanding and patient, but a little voice is still whispering in my ear that if he doesn't include me (even just by sending an SMS, I certainly don't expect to be center stage right now...), that maybe that speaks to how he is in a relationship. And yes, this was shaping up to be a relationship.

For me, this isn't easy at all. I haven't been in a relationship (not a significant one) since my divorce 12 years ago. I've dated, fooled around, had friends and fuck buddies, and short term flings... But no relationships. What was so scary about this guy is that he was the first man I met in my 10 years in Israel that had relationship potential.

So I admit, I'm not only uncertain of him, I'm uncertain of myself. I'm not sure how to interpret things, not sure how to handle myself, not sure if I'm seeing things through the lens of my insecurity or if I'm seeing things clearly...

I guess I'll have to wait and see.

The moment after

There are perfect moments.

It's impossible to say why these moments, of all the possible moments.

It isn't because someone's pretty, or you came so hard, or the background music is perfect, like the soundtrack to a movie.

Rather, it is that this moment, this moment is exactly as it should be.

And I... I'm connected enough to recognize it. But just cynical enough to know that that's it, the moment after won't be perfect anymore.

Waiting to land.

Maybe exciting?

I met someone.

He's special.

I'm really afraid to find out he isn't who or what I think, or that it just isn't "it".

I'm holding my breath.

Not easy!!

Nothing too exciting...

Even while all the excitement (ahem) is going on, I still keep my profile up on the BDSM site and correspond with doms of interest there. Though "doms of interest" might be taking the concept a bit too far, because really, there don't seem to be any...

Examples of the guys I've spoken to recently (and trust me, this is AFTER massive filtering):

• Spends two weeks "getting to know me" by having me explain in detail what is in my desk drawers and what was on my plate at lunch. YAWN.
  
  
• Spends two weeks (more? seems interminable) "getting to know me" by intellectualizing every tidbit of conversation and analyzing it to death. Never actually making a move to meet, or getting very personal.
  
  Note: this is actually something I've run into quite a bit by a certain profile of dom. Mostly "older" (50+) and seemingly many of them are accountants or in similar professions. They want to "guide" me and "teach" me, even though I never expressed that as a goal in meeting someone. Not that I don't want to learn, but I consider it a dynamic process, yes?
  
  
• Spends two weeks, or more, actually meeting me and getting to know me, which was nice and refreshing, but never actually achieving a meeting of the minds as to anything. A shame.
  
  
• Demands that I meet him for a play session on our first meeting (not having shared very much of himself in the two weeks or so that we've been talking), and then sets as a condition that I be COLLARED to him BEFORE we meet. Yeah, right buddy, you are so gone...

Compare this to the really great fun I have with Mr. C, and the respect I actually have for many, many aspects of him, and you can see why -- in spite of the downs I experience with him -- I'm not so eager to toss him. More like trying to find the balance where I get what I want, without paying too high a price. And we did spend Saturday night and had a very nice time, again.

It really would be great if I found a man who was my be-all and end-all. Not that optimistic about it. Not closed to the possibility, either. Meanwhile, don't care to be all on my own.

On and on and on it goes...

Where it stops, nobody knows...

Tuesday was my birthday. I don't usually have strong feelings about them, either positive or negative. This birthday sucked, though. Mr C went back into criticism mode, and actually managed to hurt my feelings, badly. I cried a lot, and the next day -- B day -- was simply dismal.

Next day, I got over it and life is fine again. Don't know if I'll be seeing Mr C anymore. I love what he does for me (to me) physically, and damn, he is a fun person to be around. But the aftermath and in-between times are as bad as the together time is good.

My social network in the community is developing, though, which is good. Went to a fet party last night, which was REALLY fun. I even got a little (really just a little) girl-on-girl action with a friend of mine, and that was new. Might get to go to a play party next week.

So things are basically good :)

Re-volution?

And DRAMA.

Ah, well.

I'm nothing if not flexible, lol.

Went back for another weekend, after all. After my resolve and self respect told me to leave.

But I did it eyes wide open. He - mr. criticism - came back with apologies, clarity, openness... And the part that was good about the beginning was visible again. So I took a chance.

And really, it was a great weekend again. Mostly... There were some low points but they weren't directed at me.

Things become clearer:

I'm back in curiosity mode. Now it is less a matter of going crazy and feeding frenzy and meeting a million different guys. I realize that *this* guy has a lot to teach me, and I'm interested in learning.

And in a mere two weeks... OMG, let's just say I learned a lot.

I've also realized that Mr. C's problems run deeper than the recent breakup, and probably he has an issue with alcohol. One of those very high-functioning alcoholics, possibly. Big warning light, but forewarned is forearmed.

I am not gearing to be in a "couple" relationship with him. I'm liking what he has to offer, it's up to me to set the limits, and realize if he's not in a place (emotionally or regarding the alcohol) where I can be with him.

And I'm still open to meeting others, and am pursuing that, in a calm and sane fashion :)

~*~*~

This weekend I:

• Topped!
  
  I topped Mr. C -- which as I said, he sorely needed, and it made us both happy. And I also topped (dommed?) a pretty intense flogging session on a friend of his I met at a party the night before (under Mr. C's very expert tutelage). Yikes, I didn't know I had it in me, but apparently I do :)
  
  
• Took part in an on-stage session at a fet party.
  
  It was a minor part -- a couple I'm becoming close with asked me to "help out". I got on stage and stood with my back to the cross, and held onto my friend as her master attached her to it... I hugged her and pet her and whispered sweet nothings in her ear. We both enjoyed it very much.
  
  
• Had a fight break out over me (protecting my honor?).
  
  Or some such nonsense. It really didn't have anything to do with me, but it's the first time I experienced that (kind of high-school, isn't it?) and can't say there wasn't a tiny part of me that enjoyed it. Underneath my disgust at the violence and childishness of it all.
  
  A friend(?) of mine -- Y. -- (one of the many men previously mentioned in this blog, but someone I have shied away from in recent months) had his birthday at the fet club. He put me on the invitee list so I didn't have to pay entrance. I wasn't expecting to go with Mr. C, but that's how it worked out. It turns out there is bad blood between them... (through online blogging stuff, mostly to do with aforesaid very public breakup, sheesh. They don't even know each other in person).
  
  Anyway, Y. was NOT happy I showed up with Mr. C... And let me know it. But I am not in any way beholden to him, so I didn't dwell on the topic. At some point, Y. came up to me and whacked me on the ass -- right in front of Mr. C... Who then jumped on Y. and punched him in the face. Mayhem broke out. Welcome to your first time at the club, Vestri! Drama follows wherever you go...
  
  At some point Y. came back into the club and attacked me. Another first... Never been the victim of an assault before. Mr. C ended up with a bloody nose from one of the DMs being overly enthusiastic in removing him from the fight scene.
  
  Drunken fools.
  
  
• Discovered Mr. C's alcohol problem the hard way.
  
  I knew he had a couple of drinks, but didn't seem incapacitated, and it had been a couple of hours... He insisted on driving to the party. I had misgivings, but when I tried to reconstruct how much he had drunk it didn't seem that it would cross any legal limits, so I said okay. Dumb. We got stopped at a roadblock and he failed the breathalizer test. I have no tolerance for drunk driving, and I probably should have known better. Maybe he had more to drink than I noticed... It isn't an automatic arrest here, but he did get his license taken away and will face a trial (2-year minimum suspension, possible jail time, though not likely). Very yucky part of the weekend.

-----

Later on, Y. asked to meet me to apologize. I let him. I don't hold grudges, I just learn.

Now I'm exhausted. Back at work, and needing another weekend, to recover :)

Devolution

A good friend with whom I chat online recently asked me, "Is there *anyone* sane over there?!?!", when I told him some of what's been going on with the most recent man/dom I've been involved with.

My answer: Apparently not.

It's a testament to how even vastly lowered expectations are not a guarantee that your expectations will be met, LOL... I don't even expect sanity anymore. I don't expect to love and admire anyone who doms me. I don't expect very much at all (how fucking tragic is that...). And yet -- I'm continually disappointed, or let down.

The devolution from just one weekend to the next: Unbelievable. From a really fun, and really BDSM-y 2 days, we went to a pretty vanilla encounter, where he managed to criticize me more comprehensively and brutally than probably all the previous criticisms I've accumulated in a decade! (And all that while getting no satisfaction, hehe)... To the past weekend which as far as I am concerned is like hitting rock bottom (as much as you can "hit" it when you're not that emotionally involved).

Enough is enough. I'm not doing this.

For whatever reason, this man did touch me deeply. Over this past week+ of interactions, I have done NOTHING that wasn't meant to make him feel good: from submission to caressing to listening to working hard to pleasuring him to....

But I'm not feeling good, and that is unacceptable. It is especially unacceptable when given the above, I'm continually being accused of anything and everything (most of which I just don't recognize as having anything to do with me... Rather, I think he's having trouble with the fact that I'm not her -- the former GF. He has trouble fucking me, he has trouble liking me, he has trouble with himself and his emotions, and is taking it out on me... He is a switch, and I'm sensing that he badly needs to be dommed. But I'm a sub, and also need to be dommed... Maybe just not a good fit at this time and place...).

(What is especially frustrating to me is that I would most like to be friends with this man. Not primarily lovers, not primarily BDSM... Those things can be involved if they feel right, if they come naturally. But it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. And so I'm burning out on yet another key figure in the local landscape, and it doesn't seem that I will ever be able to feel socially comfortable in this community. And that is what is upsetting me the most.)


Anyway, if I hear another statement beginning with "YOU" I might get violent.

You are closed.
You are uncommunicative.
You came here with expectations.
You are a castrator.
You have no feminine intelligence.
You created the problem.
You are imprecise.
You are marking me as your territory.
You... You... You...

You is leaving the building!!!!

More on the weekend

I wrote this as a comment, but then thought it qualified as an independent post:

It was fun... the details aren't really that important, but included being tied, blindfolded, spanked, disoriented, hugged, talked to, fucked, gone down on, fed... having friends over, drinking, and... Probably a whole lot more.

What made me feel so intense about it was other stuff. This guy is really together in his BDSM-ness. He is really honest and really responsible and really knowledgeable. We talked for hours before doing anything. But then, he tore me to pieces, lol. We spent almost two days together, in a defined, BDSM way, and I've never done that before. There was a really sweet combination of learning (for me some stuff was new), of learning about each other, of exploring the emotional side of BDSM, if you will, without it having to be our emotions towards each other...

I also enjoyed meeting other people from the community. The mutual friends that set us up were people I knew of through other trusted sources (my former dom), and maybe knew online, but had never met. The four of us didn't really "play" together, but there was a certain openness and liberty there that I enjoyed.

It looks like we'll have a continuation. I need to be careful, because emotionally he's a mess, really in the midst of this breakup. I don't see myself falling for him, but I like him, and he touched me deeply. Which can make me vulnerable (read the previous posts, haha). But I'm going forth, because I'm still all floaty from the weekend three days later, and THAT has also never happened.

Great weekend -- I needed that!

I had a fabulous weekend with someone new. He is not a potential partner (but maybe a potential occasional partner...). He is in the process of ending a two-year, intensely loving relationship, and I don't do rebound, and in any case he's polygamous and I'm not (playing around isn't the same thing...).

But definitely a potential friend. And he's very experienced, and came highly recommended through some mutual friends, so I went for it. And jeez... I feel like I graduated to a higher class of kink, LOL

It wasn't easy... But it WAS good :-)

::ouch::

Possessiveness

I love the feeling of being wanted. Being pursued.

But at the same time, I hate jealousy and possessiveness.

I'm throwing a catch back into the water over this issue.

K. is someone I've been getting to know over the past few weeks. He is basically what I would define as a "good guy". Serious, honest, committed, invests of himself... He has been very determined to enter a relationship with me.

I've been less certain: I don't usually go for younger men (he is 11 years younger than me); there is no instant attraction there (on my part, he is clearly attracted); while I have fun with him, I don't feel that click -- neither emotionally nor intellectually. But I decided to give it a chance and not dismiss him offhand, simply because good guys are not that easy to find.

He's a bit old fashioned, which I found interesting, and not typical of people I've met in this lifestyle to date. And this is where the problem lies: I'm not, and don't have patience for people who judge, and especially not people who judge *me*.

A few comments here and there about promiscuity set off warning bells for me (and he wouldn't have sex with me unless we were committed, so he's pretty consistent on that front). At some point, I told him that my former dom still had pictures of me in his online album. I indicated that if we were in a committed relationship I'd ask him to remove them, but until then I was happy to leave them there.

Of course, he went to view the pictures. And he clearly got upset by them. Some are fairly explicit, and I guess he got jealous. He also seemed to be surprised at how submissive I appeared in the photos, and *that* made him jealous (I don't have a submissive personality outside of a d/s dynamic, so he had only seen small hints of that side of me).

Everyone else I've shown the pictures to has had a positive response, told me I looked sexy in them, thought the pictures were hot... Some were of shibari ties, some were of other situations, all of them carefully selected by me for publication, so I *know* they aren't uncomplimentary...

So I thought it was petty of him to be only negative about the pictures. Our conversation on the topic was unpleasant. And he ended the conversation one-sidedly. "Good night, now."

So good night, good bye... It's all the same. On that sad note I will not be calling again... If you decide to call again and not get the hint, you'd better have a change of attitude.

Marked

I bear your mark on me.

It doesn’t hurt anymore, but I still feel it. A scar that is more than physical, worn on my shoulder for the world to see.

It did hurt, a delicious ache that kept you with me… on me… inside me 24/7, at work, at sleep, at play… You probably forgot it, but I couldn’t if I wanted to.

I wonder if you know what it feels like to have someone that close. I wonder if you can fathom how that mark penetrated my heart. I certainly didn’t realize it at the time. It happened slowly, incrementally… Every time my hand distractedly wandered to that place near my neck and felt the bruising, the scab, the swelling. And it made me smile. And it made me vulnerable.

I’m not sure what to do with that feeling now. I’m not sure I would change it if I could. I can only wish that the vulnerability had been acknowledged, even cherished, and that I had felt protected, even for just a little while.

Because whatever happens between us, or has already happened, that mark now has a life of its own, to be explained to any new lover, or even to a discerning casual observer. For me to glimpse at odd moments in the mirror.

Should it represent my naiveté? My vulnerability? My stupidity? Or can it stand for something better? I would really like that.

July 2008

Expectation-raising statements

"[Vestri] is very sexy and a great partner"

"You were a big part of it setting up the [shibari] show... and now we have to see how to take it further grin"

"Taking it further means trying new ties on you, and getting to the point where it's you on stage!"

"How do you feel about a hot tub and a bunch of pervs?"

"Do you have a garter belt? I have plans that definitely require a garter belt..."

"Let's go to the fet party on Thursday"

"Let's go to the munch this week"

- Do you think what I want is a D/s relationship?
- Yes.
- Well, there's your answer. That is the direction we are headed in.

"I'm mad about your cunt!"

"I thought about you a lot while I was away"

"Too bad I didn't catch you alone, I have a very particular fantasy I'd like to try out, which I think you'll like, a lot!"

"Let's plan a trip to Amsterdam... Or even better -- Prague, lots of good pervy stuff happening there!"

Timelines

Between the last two posts -- one going into an emotional chasm due to something feeling like it was falling apart, and the one that is the letter "ending" it (how do you end something that doesn't exist?) there was a two week period, more or less.

I didn't spend those two weeks waiting around for him to make an appearance... There were interactions. The initial ones were positive -- I asked straight out, are you over me? Or do you still want me? No, and Yes. What's going on? Nothing, it's been crazy... Let's get together Thursday. But Thursday never came...

Then, we finally met and -- nothing. If you can imagine: He invited me over, I thought we were getting back on track. It had been a long sweaty day, and so I jumped in the shower. Now, I'm sitting next to him, damp and wearing naught but a towel... And he spends the next hour showing me his progress on a computer game, and then takes me home.

HUH???

So in the car we have "the talk". Where are we headed? Why are things this way?

Answers: We *are* headed in the D/s direction. The heat.

But since then -- absolutely nothing, even phone and messenger stopped. Hence the letter.

After the letter: A completely crazy conversation in which history was rewritten, and even basic, human responsibility denied.

So it is over, and I'm more than okay with that.

I find it a shame -- and of course hurtful -- that something that had no need to devolve into negativity did. Just a little bit of honesty and communication would have resolved every aspect of this situation. It isn't as if I am in love. It isn't as if my dreams are shattered. It isn't as if I wanted to move in.

I just wanted more of what I perceived as a positive experience and connection. Which I perceived as a mutually positive experience and connection. There shouldn't be anything negative about that, and creating negativity where there is none is the purview of the weak, the twisted, the dishonest, the immature...

Dear John letter

I understand that whatever we had is over. Without a word being said, or a decision being made. Quite the opposite, actually… Several times I asked, tried to figure out intentions or desires, and each time you said you want, you’re planning, there is a direction, there are fantasies, that you still want me.

But in actuality, nothing is happening. There is a saying, your actions speak so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying… Well, I was listening to what you said, and now I’m finally hearing your actions.

Please understand that I don’t have a problem with this. My only problem is that you haven’t been straight with me. I never had any expectations from you that were not of your own making, from things you said or promised or planned… I really wish you had been able to be more honest. I had a great time with you, and I felt that at minimum, we are friends. That we have a connection as people, never mind any additional definitions. But friends don’t hold each other in a state of limbo, insecurity, on the edge… And when I expressed my confusion, my questions, the fact that I suddenly felt vulnerable in a manner I am not accustomed to… I think the ball was in your court.

So to that extent, I am disappointed and hurt.

I’m not happy about saying all this in writing rather than in person, but the feeling that you just don’t want to talk to me, that you don’t want to be face to face, is so strong, that I can’t even bring myself to pick up a phone or try – yet again – to initiate any form of communication.

And understand also that my tears are not due to any D/s relationship that will not be, or sex that didn’t happen. They are because of the friendship, because of the trust, because of my vulnerability, which I have not allowed myself with anyone but you, you may be surprised to hear (nor not? I really have no idea).

So if I’m wrong, if I misunderstood, if there are things I don’t know or am not aware of –- please correct me. I’m not an angry or vindictive person, and I don’t hold grudges. Nor do I like giving up on friends.

If, on the other hand, I’ve hit the mark and finally “got it”, you are welcome to answer me or not, as you like. In either case I will wish you only the best, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you did give me, for the experience I had, for the things that I learned, and the little slice of my life that you were at the heart of.

Hugs,

Vestri

I need to be a girl for a bit

(This was written a couple of weeks ago. I didn't feel happy about posting it at the time, but I'm missing my release of blogging. So here it is.)

I really feel like crying.

One of the ironies of my life is that while I define myself as a submissive, and feel most alive when I submit, the truth of my life is that I am actually in constant control, and can be very dominating. I have no choice – I am the strong one, the smart one, the one who can handle things; the decision maker.

My whole life I failed to realize just how badly I wanted to let go that control, just drop the reins.

And that takes a lot of trust, more than I possess.No, that isn’t accurate… I just don’t have the habit of trusting. And I haven’t found anyone to trust.

And this want, this need… It’s eating me from the inside.

So why do I say I need to be a girl… Because very often, I act like a “man”. Yes, in quotes. As I said, strong, decisive, and also – able to fuck around, casually, and with little emotion and few complications.

And then I met someone who upset my existing order.

A dom who is fairly immersed and well-known in the local community. I’m new to this life and community, so I don’t know who’s who, I just lucked out I guess. But when we met I told him I wasn’t available for anything exclusive. I was still in a D/s connection (which was in the break up stage, but wasn’t final). But I also was in a major sub frenzy, wanting to experience anything and everything.

So we started something casual, uncommitted. But with misunderstandings right from the start. He didn’t fully understand my existing connection, I didn’t understand he was looking for a sub. I also didn’t understand that in his eyes, if we weren’t exclusive this wasn’t a D/s relationship… But we were having fun, and that is no small thing. Mutual pleasure, as he put it, with a fair dose of kink.

Meanwhile, I quickly grew tired of playing around. Irrespective of this connection, I “cleaned house”, and erased all the existing, past and potential suitors from my Messenger and phone.

With him… Here and there I caught on that he was holding back, but I didn’t really understand it. He explained that he doesn’t do “casual BDSM”, and I was the one who said I wasn’t available for that. So I said – well, then we have what to discuss! But he didn’t really answer, and I left it alone.

So now, I’m available and willing, but he’s in a totally different direction. Or, is he? Because right around this time the nature of the relationship began to alter. It became more intimate, and way more D/s. I found myself experiencing something totally new and addictive. But all this was done without any discussion, no stated change in the rules of the game. No new commitments.

Three months into this story, after all kinds of growth, closeness, [I felt] we reached some sort of high point. And suddenly, he just dropped me. At least that’s how I see it. We still chatted on Messenger (our most frequent type of communication), and on the surface, things seemed as usual. But two weekends in a row we didn’t see each other, nor did we speak on the phone, nor exchange SMSs. In Messenger, there were fewer “kisses” }{ and fewer “babe”s. And I suddenly felt that I was initiating most of the convos. However, on the public forums we participate in, there were still flirtatious messages, winks and grins, compliments and “plans”. But in reality – I couldn’t figure out when or if I would see him again.

Which is when I flew into an emotional tailspin. A month or so earlier – I wouldn’t have given a fuck. (Or not much of one.) One cock more or less doesn’t change my life. But now, he had touched my deepest places. And not just the hidden ones. He was leaving his mark on me physically, too – I felt him on me, in me, around me 24/7, whether I liked it or not (but I liked it). And then – he dropped me and I crashed. Like the most insane sub drop possible, because it just doesn’t end.

I admit I don’t really understand men. It is entirely possible that while I’m torturing myself with this situation, and wondering what I did wrong, or what I misunderstood, and trying to figure out what to do next… It is entirely possible that from where he sits, everything is just fine, and he was just tired or distracted, and in a few days we’ll pick up exactly where we left off.

But it doesn’t make sense to me that if he really wanted me, cared about me, that this much time could go by without me.

And I can’t even be mad, because he didn’t break any rules, or betray any commitments. There weren’t any.

But if he doesn’t care – why not just let me go? Why keep me hanging on?
Why am I the only one not sleeping nights?

----

So it turns out I am a girl after all. I open my heart, and not just my legs.

New addition to the family

After Magnus died, I had a feeling I would need to get a new cat. I didn't like the feeling that I was "replacing" him, and while I know I'm not, the feeling is hard to shake. But poor little Lexi shouldn't remain alone. This past month has been very difficult for him.

And for me.

So I was open to adopting a new kitten. But I couldn't quite make the effort... So I decided I would let fate determine when I get a new kitty. And it did -- just in time. A friend of mine, who happened to be leaving the country the next day, found this kitten at the train station, and couldn't resist saving her. The city authorities had already been called to capture and exterminate. But she couldn't really take the cat back to Germany with her... So now I have a new little girl. Her name is Lilla and I'm in love.

Who can't get no satisfaction?

I took care of the not enough sex problem. In spades!!!

I'm a loser, baby...

Feeling a bit of a loser today. I hate that feeling. It's all part of the ups and downs of my life lately... I know that I create my own situations, I don't have anyone else to blame. But I really wish I could find that quiet place inside myself. That part of me that knows. Knows what to do, what I even want...

I keep playing the field. In itself, that is okay. But then I feel upset that none of these people really cares about me. Well, I'm not entering situations based on caring.

Y. did express quite an ardent desire that I be his sub. But at the same time, I don't get the feeling that he wants to take care of *me* in any way, just wants what I have to offer. I said no. I don't think I really want to belong to anyone... Now I'm peeved that he's not more attentive.

T. never made any promises, nor told any lies... I have no complaints, he's been the realest and the sweetest... But I got offended when he chose to be elsewhere after being away for a couple of weeks, rather than see me! Ha, my ego was bruised :) I mean, I saw him on Saturday, but why should I be alone tonight?

Of course, I originally had other plans. I was supposed to meet someone I've been talking to (N.), and he's married, and I've sworn off married men as not being available enough. But there actually was an emotional connection there, I decided to meet him just to talk, and see what it was or wasn't. Through a series of misunderstandings, he thought I didn't want to see him, and disappeared. And that hurt my feelings. But if you think about it, really, I'm offended that T. didn't want to be my backup plan... I really am a special kind of arrogant slut, LOL

Meanwhile, A. is actually very anxious to see me, explore a real relationship, etc. And I'm totally uninterested. And R. too... So I'm kind of an unsuccessful slut when I think about it. I have all these guys around me, I'm hardly getting laid at all, and I'm emotionally unsatisfied.
And that's why I'm feeling like a loser.

Maybe

Maybe I'm just kinky.
Maybe I'm just horny.
Maybe I'm just a slut.
Maybe I just crave attention.
Maybe I'm just indecisive.
Maybe I'm really a switch.
Maybe I'm an emotional masochist.
Maybe I'm insecure. Maybe I'm arrogant.
Maybe I got bored.
Maybe I need things complicated.
Maybe I'm lonely.
Maybe I'm horny.
Maybe I'm sad.
Maybe I'm impatient.
Maybe I'm too smart for my own good.
Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am.
Or maybe I'm just a horny, kinky, slut.

Handling

No major developments or revelations this week. More like incremental movements. I'm feeling a bit less pressured today. That can change.

Somehow, I've let Erez back into my life. But he's not putting pressure on me now. I think maybe he realizes he was creating expectations based on what he thinks a sub IS or *should be*, and I'm not necessarily any of those things. Now he realizes he wants me in his life, with no predefined roles. So we might even just end up friends (ha). Of course, all this insight is all of a day or two old, and we could easily regress. We'll see.

Meanwhile, Y., the one I thought might have some potential, is backing off a bit, too. Not completely -- just giving me my space. Yay. I need that, and really appreciate it.

Other playmates: T is coming back from his trip to US/Canada on Friday. I guess at this point I'm still not obligated to anyone else, so I plan to see him. I *did* see R, my beginning Dom, the other day. I told him that my relationship with Cafe was over, and he's now making big plans for the two of us... Not sure I want to go there. But the truth is, of everyone, he's the sweetest and nicest guy all-round. I'm just not that interested in him. A bit of sweetness here and there is nice though :) The other young guy -- the one play got too intense with -- I think I'm going to have to cut loose. I don't have the energy to teach him how to be caring as well as cruel, and in spite of all his declarations that he cares about me, wants to develop something serious with me, I don't see it happening based on our history so far. And I'm spread too thin as it is. He is a gorgeous specimen though. Maybe that's been clouding my judgment a bit?

In spite of the fact that I don't really seem to be in any more focus than I was, I actually do feel that I'm slowly getting a handle on myself. Slowly. Though for someone surrounded by all these men I've had only a miniscule amount of sex out of it, lately. Remember why I got into this game to begin with??? Sigh.

But now, I'm not dealing with cat issues, I don't have the flu, I'm over my food poisoning, and my miserable period will be over by tomorrow (hopefully). So this weekend... This weekend...

Better be better!

Venting

These days, I seem to be mostly annoyed, and feeling somewhat numb.

I have gone back to playing, but that is never simple either. I met someone I thought would be fun, and he was, but our playing was more intense somehow than anything I'd experienced before, and I had a terrible case of subdrop -- or perhaps pure depression -- a day or two later, and he wasn't around to help me with it, nor was anyone else.

To make things worse, I've been kind of sick all week, so I'm also physically run down.

Last night I "met" someone else from my forum, and got together with him today. I don't get these Doms who want to OWN me from the first time we meet. So while he has (had?) potential, now I'm feeling pressured, and don't intend to give in to that.

I know I seem to just be complaining complaining complaining. But that's not the point at all. It just seems that if I do nothing, I get restless and lonely, and if I stay "in", I get frustrated. I need to find my balance, and I'm just not there yet.

So I vent here. It's why I started the blog :)

Onward

Erez talked me down from the crisis point last weekend... I felt there had been a strong enough start that the communication should continue, so long as he recognized that things had gone wrong, and why.

But now, in spite of the respite from pressure (he has been making an effort to be supportive), I am not getting the feeling of closeness and excitement that was building up before. So I'm moving on.

To be honest, I just don't think I'm done playing. I can't seem to help myself. Though at the same time, I really am looking for that one man I can give all of myself to. It just isn't easy to find anyone really worthwhile...

The journey continues.

Two down?

The following is something I posted about my prospective Dom (Erez) in a journal on another forum. I'm reposting rather than writing a whole new entry.

I'm struggling with something that over the last few days has touched at the core of how I feel as a submissive, or at least defining myself as such.

I've been in contact with a new Dom . We've been flirting for a while, and he was the one who was there for me when my cat got sick, and then died. So I'm feeling very bound to him. Our few meetings have made me want him very badly.

But most of our contact is by Messenger, and almost every day, in every way, I am feeling judged and tested, and not cherished or accepted. He's given me two assignments -- the first I carried out, though it was difficult for me. Even made me resent him. And when we discussed it, he understood the difficulty, and even apologized for making me do something he thought would be pleasurable but wasn't... But I thought I felt in his tone that he was disappointed in me.

Today he gave me another assignment. I accepted it. But apparently he expected me to jump for joy or thank him. I didn't feel good about the assignment, or bad about it -- just accepting.

And the truth is, I am so tired, so depressed, so stressed, not sleeping nights -- I just can't imagine jumping for joy at anything, never mind a fairly minor assignment. More on my mind are my problems at work, the death of my cat, my exhaustion...

So my questions to myself are: Is my lack of enthusiasm truly a slap in his face? Or is he perhaps expecting too much of me? Am I wrong to expect more cultivation from him?

Because if he's just wrong for me, I want to end it now. But if it's a blip because of circumstances, I want to work through it.

How do I know?

NB: After this, I had another exausting conversation with E, during which he indicated that the fact that I stated a limit he doesn't like is an indication that I don't really want to submit to him, and that I don't really care about his wants and desires. I felt entirely manipulated, because a) He's known about this limit since before we ever became close, so he shouldn't use it against me now, b) I really do have a right to my limits, they have nothing to do with him, c) It was yet another way for him to try and make me feel inadequate... And I sure didn't need any more.

I've pretty much determined that this is just wrong -- a wrong relationship, the wrong Dom. Not what I need right now, anyway. But somehow I'm as indecisive as I ever seem to be, lol, so it might take me another conversation or two to really decide.

One down

Yair is out. He came over last night, and I was not able to recapture any of the magic I felt up until the last few days. It seems that while on one hand he is saying he is interested, he feels that if he acts like he cares -- just because I asked him to -- that makes him weaker. And in spite of some physicality (not sexual, really) last night, he has gone back to being incommunicado today, even though I can see that he is online.

While I don't expect to "rule" a Dom through my emotions, needs, or anything else, I do have some expectations... Until I enter that submissive role with him, I need him to show me that my feelings are important, because otherwise how can I trust him from the position I'll be in as his submissive? That trust is all important to me, as is my general emotional connection with him.

And it isn't that this is happening in a vacuum. I can compare side by side with Erez, who is THERE. At least from the emotional perspective. He takes everything I say I want or need into account, which doesn't mean he gives into it, but I never feel alone or ignored.

I still have about a million question marks about Erez, but at least another loose end is being tied up.

Maybe because I experienced a loss, maybe it was time for things to come to a head anyway, but right now I am feeling a bit clearer on my need to get rid of the "noise". All kinds of extraneous activities and connections that don't contribute to my happiness. Most of them are harmless -- like my young, beginner Dom. He is sweet. I like him. I just don't need him, and he does take up attention and time. There are one or two other "distractions" like him.

Well, the realization is there, but that doesn't mean I've followed through with action yet, hehe. But I will.

Slow progress

I have spent the last few days mostly mourning, but also trying to distract myself from my misery. One day I'll need to think about why I use men to distract me, rather than, say, my friends. It hasn't been that way for years and years, because there really weren't many men in my life. But now I have (perhaps) too many...

So. Friday night I met with Tipus, who I think is shaping up as just the playmate I thought he would be. He's the most single/available one of all, and the sex is good, but I just don't feel anything beyond that.

The other two men I've been considering... Yair is the one I was pretty set on -- he's divorced, and I was really enjoying our exchanges. And when we met last week, we had an amazing evening together. But then, because he had to spend most of his time with his children during this holiday, he dropped off the radar completely. I didn't expect much of his time, but if he wants me, he could have set a few minutes aside for a phone call when I told him Magnus died. And he hasn't.

So Erez (the married one) has not hesitated to fill that vacuum. He's the one who has been there to help me with practical things as well as emotional. We met last evening, and became quite a bit more intimate. I don't know what to expect from him yet, but this is clearly a much more emotional connection, and will demand a great deal from me, and that terrifies me.

The young Dom I was helping get started along his way is still trying to remain in the picture, but I actually don't have much patience for this right now. I've been putting him off, but probably should just cut it off. Which, of course, is where I have my biggest problem :-)

So not too much has developed, but there are some directions. This week should clarify things more.

My baby is gone

Magnus died today. I thought he was getting better, but he had different ideas. I wasn't with him, I was at work dealing with my psycho boss, and he went away. I don't know that I can forgive myself for being away when he was so sick.

I love him so much, I'm not even digesting it yet.

Erez, one of my potentials, has been there for me throughout this ordeal. He has helped me, and sympathized, and supported me. He helped me arrange the burial. No one else did any of these things, not even my friends.

I feel so bound to him now. I don't want it to be just out of gratitude. I hope it's not. I hope that the fact that he was there to take care of me is just an extension of what we already saw as potential... I only wish he wasn't the married one. He is married and going to stay that way, because he has a wife who is disabled, and he isn't the type to abandon anyone who he made a commitment to and who relies on him.

I really wish that either of my other 'friends' had stepped up to the plate. But they didn't, and that speaks volumes. Meanwhile, Cafe-my-former-Sir, is exceeding himself with online support. But he knows he couldn't have been there, and so do I, so it's bittersweet and we're exchanging many loving messages, but they are still "after" notes, and we're not going back.

I'm going to sleep now.

To Sir with Love

So I finally did it. I broke it off with my Sir. Haha, I don't even have another name for him. I mean, I know his name, but I've never said it. It doesn't feel like him. Maybe his nick... Cafe. Cafe. Cafe. I need to think of him as Cafe and not my Sir.

It's been in the cards for a while, but the thing with my cat was the last straw. I need someone who will be there for me, take care of me, support me (not financially), cheer me up, sympathize... I deserve that, and I certainly don't need to stay in this relationship just to avoid having to hurt someone.

But I do want to take a moment, even just for myself, to make sure I remember that even though it ultimately wasn't "it", this was an important relationship for me. This is the man who taught me to respect my submission. This is a man who always looked at me with joy in his eyes, and felt lucky to have me. This is the man who always found me to be the most beautiful woman in the world, no matter my state or situation. This man was as tender or as tough as I needed him to be, every time he was with me. This is a man who always made me laugh. This is the man who helped me feel part of a world I might otherwise have avoided immersing in. This is a man who when I told him it was over, had the grace and courtesy to tell me he will always cherish every second with me, and that he is the luckiest man in the world, just because I gave myself to him.

Now I remember why it was difficult for me to end it... It doesn't sound all that bad :) Of course, it was never bad, just limited.

----------

Magnus is home and doing as well as can be expected. We're treating him with leeches in addition to conventional heart treatment, and so far so good -- no miracles, but signs of improvement. I am cautiously optimistic. And watching the leeches do their work was pretty cool.

Messiness

My life is kind of a mess right now. I'm still dealing with Magnus' situation, and now it looks like I have a month of very intensive treatments ahead, and only after that will we know what his true prognosis is.

Work is really bad. I like my job, but hate my boss, and he's making my life miserable. Hard enough to deal with when I don't have cat and BDSM issues to handle.

On the BDSM front, I am also in a good news/bad news situation. I am going to end it with my Sir this week. I don't know if I should do it by phone, messenger, or in person. This issue with how/when to communicate has been part of the problem. But if I needed a trigger, this combination of holiday (when he wasn't available by any means) and my very difficult days with the cat... He could have been in touch, but hardly bothered, and I've received virtually no emotional support from him. Late last night he tried, but it really was too little too late. I can't give of myself to someone who doesn't cherish me. If all I want is someone to play with, I can get that close by, from men who are single and more available.

I need to understand for myself, though, why I need a trigger. Why I am so afraid to hurt him, basically putting his needs before mine, in a very fundamental way, not in the sense of a D/s dynamic, the way I understand or want it. Why should I be this concerned with his hurt feelings, when I'm dealing with real life problems, and he doesn't seem to be equally concerned with my feelings?

Maybe I really am a masochist :)

Ha, it didn't come across that way, but that was the good news. The not-so-good news (in terms of me complicating my life as usual) is that things have taken a turn with EVERYONE I was just talking to. It actually came about because of Magnus - I had no way to get to/from the hospital... I'm a city-dweller, think NYC, and the hospital is out of town. So one offered to take me, the other to pick me up... Meanwhile I was already playing with the third... So now I've met both "potentials" in person, both have been supportive, both are attractive... Damn damn damn. I can't even play with four different people, never mind create anything meaningful.

So I continue to muddle along in my crazy, careening way. I was actually on messenger with four separate men at the same time last night, and I didn't want to close any of the windows. I'm an addict. Or obsessed. Or just a slut (for attention, at least, hehe).

Or maybe I need a true Master who will force me to put my life in order.

Don't leave me!

It looks like my cat is dying. He isn't old, he didn't have any apparent health problems, and suddenly he's in the veterinary hospital with a bad heart, edema of the lungs and an embolism paralyzing his leg.

He's on IVs, and the next few hours are critical. Even if he lives, he will be on heart medication for the rest of his life, and have a high chance of recurrence.

Magnus is the only creature in this world that I actually love. I feel love for many people, such as friends and family. But true love, strange as it sounds, pure, unselfish, total, unconditional love -- I have only for him. He is a part of my soul. Even my other cat Lexi doesn't come close in my heart.

I can't bear the thought of losing him. I can't. Can't.

Springtime

I'm not big on holidays, and I try not to wait until someone designates a day for me to think about important things. But it occurred to me just now that Passover is the Spring Festival, as well as a celebration of freedom, and I am feeling it, yes I am. Spring -- the season of rebirth. Ha, waxing philosophical, I am.

I'm feeling good today. The weather is beautiful, and I had a lovely brunch with a good friend, and all seems right with the world. Yesterday was the first time in a very long time that I didn't feel stressed and with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I could put it down to having the most amazing sex in a very long time last night... And I'm sure that has contributed! But I felt that way before, and I think the sex was good because I am feeling better to begin with.

Need I say it wasn't with my Sir? I'm realizing more and more that the past couple of months have been increasingly messing with my sex drive. I'm a horny person, and that has remained the same, but little by little, my natural sexuality has been chipped away, through stress, through emotional uncertainty... From trying to make something fit, that just doesn't. I haven't been masturbating, for example, and that should have been a clue.

So yesterday I experienced my own freedom and oh my, I needed that. I'm practically walking on air today. A spring in my step, you might even say...

Tipus is the playmate-type I mentioned, and I guess I needed to play!

Happy Passover

It's a holiday week here in Israel. And I won't be seeing my Sir during this time, nor will we have many chances to speak. He's given me official permission to "replace" him during this time.

I really don't understand that. From my perspective, I am bound to replace him sooner or later anyway, because we aren't right for each other, in spite of the love and respect we do have. But he must know that this could be IT. The breaking point. It seems that he measures his love by his ability to sacrifice. Me. While I measure it by the tenacity with with he pursues me, holds on to me... An inherent conflict.

So the two men - well really three - I'm speaking with... This might be the week that something changes. One is really just a potential playmate. But the other two both appeal to me very much, each in a different way. Yeah, I have choices but I'm like a kid in a candy store, and likely to end up with a stomach ache, LOL

Sugasm #127

This Week’s Picks

My life as a Female
“His reply was instant: “You are a man”.”

Crisp
“I found my eyes unable to leave the curves of her ass, everything else out of focus.”

Ripping yourself a new one
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Kink BBQ and not taking NO for an answer

On Saturday, I went to my very first "event". This wasn't a staged event, where BDSMers put on a show or play... It was simply a barbeque put on by a core group of vetaran kinksters.

The significance is that it was my first time socializing with anyone from the community. It was really nice, but also strange. It was strange because these are not necessarily people I would bond with outside of our kink. But also nice, because open discussion of topics I otherwise keep very discreet is really refreshing.

A twist on the whole thing is that I was invited by a Dom who is clearly interested in me, and so I can't pretend it was "just" socializing. And given the state of my mind and nerves, this is a twist I might not need.

So even though I keep saying I'm slowing things down, I've allowed things to accelerate again:

* I haven't ended things with my Sir, even though we had a long, difficult, tearful talk yesterday about the fact that things are probably winding down between us. I'm not being fair to him or to myself - I should just cut it off. But I'm having trouble letting go, and he will apparently settle for any part of me I want to give him... Though if I'm not exclusive, he won't be exclusive, and that's a whole other can of worms.

* I began meeting another Dom who is just charming to me - he's just starting to live the lifestyle. It's ironic that I would be the one to help break him in, given my own lack of experience... And I don't see this developing into anything more serious, but he's in the mix.

* I have two other Doms I'm talking to by phone or online that I'm actually interested in. One is a better candidate because he's actually available, not married or living far away...

* I have one other Dom I was talking to, but do not think I'm interested in, but whom I've agreed to meet for coffee (am going in about 5 minutes in fact). I need to learn to be more assertive. I mean, I won't *do* anything I don't want to with anyone I don't want to, but even the discussions and meetings for coffee take their toll.

* There is a whole array of others with whom I have some degree of contact or other... Haven't made any promises, don't intend to. But I really need to stop being so damn NICE. It's killing me.

PS. Came back from coffee. Told Y. I didn't see it happening - he too is married, and lives far away. He's convinced I really do want him and am just being defensive, putting up walls. I really don't see him as an option, though I'm flattered by the attention. He won't push me into a relationship, but is not really letting go.

I had another one I corresponded with for a few weeks by mail and phone, and met once for coffee. After due consideration, I told him I wasn't interested. He's still messaging me and calling.

Is it an ego thing that causes so many Doms to simply not accept that it isn't right? Why is "no" such a hard answer to believe?

Ho hum

I seem to be running out of steam a bit. LOL, I meant the blog, but as I'm writing I realize that it isn't the blog, it's me...

For one, now I'm pretty much caught up with my "story" -- there is always more to tell, but chronologically I started then, and arrived at the now. And the now is so much more complex for me.

Another reason, I'm just tired. I haven't been sleeping that well, I haven't been eating properly, and work has been beyond stressful. So have my BDSM related thoughts and activities. I'm doing what I can about all these, but they are likely to take some time to straighten out.

Blog-wise -- I wish I had more readers. (Not that I don't appreciate the ones I have!) I tried a Google search and a Google Blog search and my blog doesn't come up in the searches. I've since read that many new blogs are having indexing problems with Google, and there simply doesn't seem to be anything to do about it. I keep wondering if I started a blog on a NON Google site if I would have better luck :)

So my brain is a bit slow. I have a lot to try and make sense of -- my general situation has not changed. And while my main source of stress is work, not BDSM, this is a close second, and the stress is spilling into every other aspect of my life.

So I'm not all light and laughter today :)

But I didn't want to let the writing fall by the wayside.

Thanks for reading me!

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2-month musings, continued

Four: My relationship is about to end

And I don't know how to do it. I don't really even know if I should. My Sir has been wonderful to me in so many ways, he has given me many gifts, even some he isn't aware of. He adores and admires me. He was the perfect choice for my first Master. But. But. But...

He is married, as I said, and I have a problem with that. Even if I didn't have a moral issue with it, our time together is very limited, and I don't find that what we have online/by phone is enough to hold me to him as tightly as either of us would like. Even the limited time we have, is at the expense of my work, and that can't go on.

Some of the things we do together -- I love. I love when he ties me up, for example. But other things I don't love so much, and he doesn't seem to be able to tell the difference, even when I say it directly.

I also feel I need to explore more, not get too settled too quickly. Here is where the freedom he gives me works both for and against him: To some extent, I am able to explore with others. But when I do, I feel my bond with him eroding. That is the against. But the for - I probably wouldn't have committed to him at all without this freedom, and because he's been so generous, I feel bound to him, grateful, and guilty about thinking of leaving him. And I don't want to hurt him.

Udi (my Dom friend) has suggested taking a complete time out. He feels I've thrown myself into this way too fast, and that I am the source of all my own stress. I feel my job has a lot to do with that, LOL, but it doesn't make him wrong.

Anyway, no major conclusions, right now. Just a lot of thoughts.

2-month anniversary musings

Yesterday was exactly two months since I met my Sir, and that was just a little bit after I entered this world, defined myself in terms of BDSM, or D/s.

Here are some of my thoughts:

One: Only two months? Can't be!

It seems a lot longer. It feels like I've lived a lifetime in these few weeks. I've enjoyed myself, learned new things, been scared, felt foolish, met new people, expanded my horizons, begun blogging, come a lot, been stressed out of my mind, felt exhausted, and a whole spectrum of other emotions. The proportion of this experience in my life is like no other two months I can think of.

Two: Am I really that special?

Are all new (or not necessarily new) submissives as sought after as I've been? This has been a huge boost to my ego, but I'm not mentioning it or asking in order to boast. I read that there are more men than women in the community, and I expected *some* response, but I'm not kidding -- I've had over 1500 enquiries in just a few weeks. Even when I posted NOT AVAILABLE on my profile. Just about every Dom I've talked with has wanted to meet me, and every Dom I met has wanted to continue with me. These are not the odds I'm used to in the vanilla world!

I mean, I consider myself fairly attractive, and more than a little sexy. But this has been crazy. And not all that much fun - it takes a lot of time and effort to fend off that many determined Doms.

At first I attributed it to the fact that I was "fresh meat" in The Cage. But the flow continues...

Three: I'm the one with the power

Because I'm sought after, because the Doms I meet are so open and direct in their desire for me, I am in a position of power I'm also not used to in the vanilla world. In my previous relationships, and even more so in dating, it always felt like navigating the terms of the relationshop was very complex. Here -- they are (so far) rather simple. First of all - there are rules :) Second, I determine when the power exchange happens, and I have the freedom to end it. Of course, I don't have the power within those two points, but It's odd how I feel so much more empowered now than I ever did before. Not what I expected!

(to be continued...)

My big mistakes

I've already alluded to my first two biggest mistakes. I've survived them, but they did give me a huge wakeup call.

Mistake one: Allowing a total stranger to take pictures of me in our session.

I did weakly object... But he promised discretion. Though he would, wouldn't he?

When I "broke up" with Domino, he was pissed off at me. He kept telling me "I don't release you. You are mine." Well, get a clue, buddy. You can't hold on to me if I don't want you to... And I was gone - blocked his Messenger, blocked his calls. But he had the photos.

My Dom friend Udi called me about a week later, and said that he found pictures of me on another site. Not only were all the pictures there (my face was hidden, but clearly anyone who'd seen me naked could recognize me, LOL), but the posting was an invitation for women or couples to join the poster (an alias of Domino's that I recognized) AND HIS SUB - me.

Udi called Domino on my behalf (I was on the call, but too upset to speak rationally). Domino denied it was him (forgot I knew the alias) and claimed his computer must have been hacked. But with enough threats he promised to remove the photos. I also wrote the website and they actually did remove the photos. But the photos are still out there, and I might not discover them next time.

Mistake two: Allowing a total stranger to come into my house, and, well... Into me.

When I invited Alon to come over to my apartment for a session, I really wasn't that worried. Or if I was, the fear was part of the excitement. That's how I'd met all three other Doms I'd had sessions with. In "blind dates". The session itself started out fine. But then, it became a bit too much for me. We hadn't really discussed any limits I have, and while I think that most of what Alon did was not extreme in any way, I really was a newbie, and if something new was going to happen, we both should have been prepared for the fact that I might have a reaction to it. His approach was one of punishment, and I hadn't been there before. And I didn't like it. So I was getting more and more upset as the session progressed. At some point I stopped it, and told him so. He was very sweet about my concerns, but also upset that I stopped the session, and said that had never happened to him before.

However, at the end of the session, he was very happy, and already making future plans for us. I, on the other hand, was not so happy, and needed to digest the experience. But I was mostly tired, and went to sleep.

Next morning, I was waked by a phone call - Alon. Who started berating me for... having relations with another Dom - Master Cafe. I had been VERY clear with Alon about the exclusivity question. But he didn't know who or what. However, he saw Cafe respond to a post of mine in The Cage and put two and two together, and flew into a jealous rage. Apparently, he thought a previous post I had written was addressed to him (I guess big egos are common Dom traits?), and was upset when he realized it wasn't.

Between the difficulty of the session, my original doubts about this man, and his complete outrageousness on the phone -- I told him I didn't want to see him again. Next thing I know - he shows up at my house. Now - this is a big man. I am a big woman, but I doubt I could prevent him from overpowering me. I was freaked. I didn't know if I should act angry and outraged - or submissive and docile - in order for him to just get the fuck out of there. I went with strategy #2, figuring I should do everything to prevent sparking him. He apparently thought that this stalking behavior would prove to me how much he cared for me, wanted me. Well, it proved to me he is a stalker. Eventually I made him understand that I just don't want him, and he left. Apparently he showed up one other time to return my thong panties which he'd stolen, but he just left them in the mailbox and didn't bother me.

~*~*~*~*

So, I learned two valuable lessons. At least. Both these experiences were difficult for me on several levels, not the least of which is simply the fact that I am not stupid, and I hate feeling stupid. Or acting stupid. And I wasn't exactly being so smart. But I am getting better :)

Somewhat random ramblings

It's a bit weird for me to recall my first days in this world, I've experienced so much, so quickly...

I also want to get caught up, and write about today, but for me this blog isn't only about sharing, it's a record, so I don't want to jump around too much.

How to organize my thoughts...?!

I won't. Just plug on.

So during the week of my first meeting with my Sir, I hadn't yet cut Domino out of the story. My first session with him was good, and I wanted to see how it continued. I also was still trying to correspond with several other in The Cage. It was taking a lot of my energy, and this was NOT good for my work life -- I had recently started a new, and demanding, job. But I was obsessed.

I met Domino again. This time, he went a bit further with me, which should have turned me on, but I had begun to realize how little I was really into him. I saw the session through, but didn't get the same excitement out of it. I was also still in my "not thinking" mode, and let him take pictures of the session. Dumb. I don't know this guy, why would I let him take photographic evidence of me in "compromising" positions?

So then I ended it. At least a session too late :)

That weekend I had another session with yet another Dom... I am nothing if not voracious in my appetites, and eager to experience it all... Okay, I'm also a bit of a slut, LOL

Odd as it seems, though, my relationship with my Sir was solidifying. He didn't know the details of my extracurricular activities, but we did have a discussion about exclusivity. Because he knew how little time he had to give me, he allowed me to fill in the gap elsewhere. This has worked both to his benefit and detriment, as I will also tell.

My online correspondences with several Doms led to several meetings that did not develop into anything sexual or D/s. One Dom became a very good friend. Only one continued to develop into something, and I eventually met him for a session.

I should add here that I tried to keep a diary of all my contacts. It's difficult to reconcile people's online nicks, messenger names, and real names, and I was contacted by and corresponding with quite a few people.

I need to learn to trust my instincts. What I first wrote about Alon is: "Weirdo". But for some reason I spoke to him on the phone after that, and revised my assessment. When we met for our session I learned another lesson. I'll speak of my hard lessons in my next post.

The main thing I actually wanted to say here is that even though I was still in the "crazed" phase, the excitement of the beginning, I began to realize that this - THIS - my move into a world I wasn't aware of, a new phase of my life - was real. I wasn't all that adept at handling it yet, I didn't have the requisite experience to make good judgments, I didn't even know what I wanted and didn't want yet. But I was making room for it in my life, and learning lessons (both good and bad), and going through internal changes to accommodate a new identity.

My first master

So, I didn't really consider myself bound to Domino, but I didn't tell him that, not in so many words.

Meanwhile, Master Cafe came into my life.

My mental state at this point - still on a high. Just wanting to experience more more more

Cafe gave me a bunch of references - he gave me a list of former subs to talk to. And I did. I felt I was getting so smart, being wiser... Not rushing. Ha. Meanwhile, our online and phone relationship continued. It sounds like all this took a long time, but really, it was just a matter of days. During this time, I was given multiple assignments, and we developed some rituals, and shared many intimacies, so that very quickly I really did feel I belonged to him, though I hadn't met him in person.

When I was comfortable, we planned a meeting, and set a safety phrase. He instructed me to wait for him in my hallway, head down, wearing a skirt and blouse, no underwear. He came in, and walked right by me, set his stuff down on my table. Took his time. Then he stood before me and told me to kiss his shoes. I did. My mind was spinning, my heart was beating so fast that I thought it would burst right out of my chest. He then proceeded to examine his property. He felt my heartbeat, and commented on how lovely it was. He felt my breasts, and my legs and my ass... He seemed satisfied. He slipped a blindfold on me, and then commanded me to undo his pants and suck his cock. I complied. He had a lovely, thick cock, and it tasted very good to me.

Then, he grabbed my hair, and stood me up. Opened my blouse. I heard him fasten something to the leg of the table, and then he pushed me down and fastned something to my nipple. The pain was excruciating, and I whimpered. I was thrust down from the highest high to the lowest low... I was ready to be slapped, like before, to be overpowered, but this... I wasn't prepared. But I was scared to say anything - I felt it was my job to hold up, to make it through anything he put in my way. So I tried to swallow the hurt. He asked if I was in pain, I just nodded. He took it off me. Told me that not all women hurt from that, and he seemed very concerned. He stroked my hair until I calmed down. Then he grabbed my hair and pushed me to the bedroom.

He told me to undress, and lie on my back, and spread my legs. I did. The excitement was back. I found that I really liked it when he grabbed me by the hair. I really liked the uncertainty of being blindfolded. I liked being exposed before him. I liked being told what to do... My doubts were allayed. I had set out condoms for him, and I heard him open one, and next thing I knew, he was inside me. On top of me. He smelled of stale sweat, and I should have been disgusted, but I wasn't.

I want to stop here for a moment, and say that this was in fact part of what is the weirdest part of all this for me: This was not an attractive man to me. He is about five inches shorter than me (I'm tall, 5'10"), and has a big middle-aged belly, and a beard... Every man I've ever been involved with before - including my ex husband - has been really sexy! Master Cafe, at this point, is fucking me ardently, and through my personal haze of complete and total horniness I'm laughing inside! How is it possible I'm giving myself to this man who is nothing that I would go for in "real" life? But I did, and I was loving it! He had come directly from work (he's an environmental scientist, and often works in the field), and was sweaty; I don't like facial hair; he is rotund; and like many overweight men, had a sort of snorting/snoring breathing... Please don't think I'm being disrespectful. My Sir** knows all this about himself. And he has a wonderful sense of humor about it. But to me, at that point, it was all a very big surprise.

So part of me is all-consumed with the experience I'm having, and part of me is viewing it from the outside, commenting, and judging... So I wasn't really on the verge of coming, even though I was intensely aroused. My Sir used me well, in many ways. Then, he fastned my hands behind me. Oh - that was what I was waiting for, I just didn't know it! He commanded me to move here, go there, get in this or that position, with my hands bound. I was having fun! Then, he got his rope and tied me up - I don't know the names or descriptions of bindings, but I gather my Sir is rather a master. I was tied with my legs open and knees bent. This time, when he fucked me, I began to come immediately. I was out of my mind and needed to ask permission, but I know it was granted and the rest is a blur.

I do remember that my Sir did certain very specific things: he slapped me, not to punish me, but so I would know my place. He spanked me, because he wanted to, and because he wanted to see my response (I was curious too!). He pinched my nipples, to see how sensitive they are. He used me as a tool to masturbate on, and came in my mouth. He made me answer riddles as a condition of getting permission to come. He called me a whore and a bitch and made me repeat it back to him. He make me come up with at least five synonyms for what he was doing to me, and recite them to him as he did it.

I was getting more than I had bargained for, and I was so very grateful.

At some point he left me. And when I was allowed to get up and go about my business, I realized he had been with me for nearly four hours. I couldn't believe it, it seemed like a dream, and it flew by.

Now I needed to assess - what did I like? Hate? Why? Did I want this man, or just the experience he had given me? Was I connecting to something real inside me, or was I just playing? Am I really submissive, or am I vanilla with a generous stripe of kink?

Oh, and I really did need to assess, because my Sir required a document evaluating him, and the experience he had given me :)

This was all two months ago, and I still don't have all the answers to these questions. But I am slowly learning what I am, and am not, and will continue to write it down, and how I'm getting to it.

** I have a bit of trouble translating exactly from Hebrew to English. The phrases aren't precise. The literal translation of what you might call sir or master or ... is 'my sir', so that's what I'll use when I'm being specific about my Master Cafe. Otherwise, I'll just use Dom or Master

Have I thrown my values out the window?

It's extremely flattering to be pursued.

When I signed up to The Cage (BDSM community in Israel), I began getting dozens, if not hundreds of requests/introductions.

But at the start, when the numbers were still sort of sane, I was a bit less selective. I described in my last post how I basically gave myself to one of the first people who even spoke to me. But it isn't just that he was one of the first. I might not have all the tools yet to determine who is a good match for me D/s-wise, but as a human being I know what I like: Communication, sophistication, cleverness... When someone writes to me "I liked your profile. Can we meet?", the chances are I won't meet them. I'm just a bit bored with the fact they didn't say anything about themselves (and many of the profiles are empty), and they didn't think they need to "market" themselves at all.

But then I got this:

"I've already invested in our relationship (in Hebrew there is a lovely word for "couplehood" that just doesn't exist in English). I looked up the meaning of your username. Is it possible you are really into the room where priests change their clothes?"

Okay, so maybe some of the humor is lost in translation. But he looked up the meaning of vestry, not vestri, and came up with a Catholic church reference. Which actually does it for some people, hehe, but wasn't my intent.

But I loved that he was thinking about my nick, that he made an effort, and the intelligence and humor that oozed from every word he wrote. I wrote back, then he wrote back, and we were so engaged in this light, surprising, delightful dialog, that before I knew it I had pretty much committed to him, inasmuch as you can through PMs in The Cage.

I couldn't wait to meet him. And I did, and it was great. I'll tell about that too. But what is more important for me to share right now is my mental state, my thoughts, my emotions, at this stage of my self-discovery as a submissive.

I was "with" Domino. I shouldn't have been. It wasn't fair of him to claim me just because I met him for a session. And there is no real reason I have to give his claim any legitimacy. But I wasn't clear on the rules, or even what I wanted or expected. And here I am meeting with someone else. There is a fundamental dishonesty here that I would never have allowed myself in any vanilla relationship.

Also, my new Dom (Cafe) is married. That is also a bright-line limitation I do not cross in my "real" life. So why in my BDSM persona am I allowing things I never would before? Have my ethics and values changed? Are the rules really that different? Am I making allowances for myself just because I'm that horny?

This was the next big question I had to deal with: What are the rules of engagement, and how do I reach synchronicity between my true values and the world I am exploring?

My entry into a new world

I mentioned I signed up to "the" Israeli BDSM forum... But of course there are more than one. This one is the largest, and most people who participate in other online communities also belong here. So I tend to think of it as "the".

I wasn't thinking when I got there. I didn't really know what I wanted. I just knew that I was horny and curious and that something had "clicked" in my brain, and I needed to run with it.

I filled out a profile, and within minutes was getting messages in my inbox. I began corresponding with a couple of the Doms who wrote me, and within days I already met one of them for my very first session.

I wasn't being very careful, and I'm pretty lucky things turned out okay. Though I also think that I have good instincts about people, even online, so it wasn't just luck.

"Domino" and I set a time to meet - at my place. I waited for him on my bed, on all four, with my head down so I couldn't see him. He blindfolded me, and began the session. Because of my inexperience, he didn't do anything extreme at all - it was much more about the tone of voice, obedience, etc. I didn't feel attracted to him, but my level of excitement was so high, that when he fucked me I was ready for it, hungry for it... then he slapped me.

I was terrified of this - I knew I wanted to be dominated, but I never thought I could have someone strike me and consider it acceptable. But under the circumstances - especially because I couldn't see it coming - it was just all that more exciting, and I began to come. Hard.

Other than being blindfolded and slapped, there were no particular "acts" that would be unusual in a vanilla setting. But the setting wasn't vanilla at all, and I was getting exactly the experience I wanted.

When he left, he had me close my eyes and count to 300. The idea being that I couldn't really know if he left or not, and was testing me. I complied. I can't say that there wasn't the part of my brain that said, "this is a silly game!", but once I commit to a course of action, I stick with it. If I play a game, I try to play it well.

From Domino's perspective, I was now His. But I was very dissatisfied with him as my Dom. I didn't really get the attention I needed, and in spite of his assertions that "we need to talk about everything" and "communication is the most important thing", I didn't feel he was available to me. So I kept looking.

Which wasn't difficult - the messages were pouring in. I got hundreds of them in just those first few days.

And yet - I still had so much to learn, and having already thrown myself head first into this, it was difficult to slow down enough to think things through.

So I kept hurtling headlong into this new chapter of my life.