Messiness

My life is kind of a mess right now. I'm still dealing with Magnus' situation, and now it looks like I have a month of very intensive treatments ahead, and only after that will we know what his true prognosis is.

Work is really bad. I like my job, but hate my boss, and he's making my life miserable. Hard enough to deal with when I don't have cat and BDSM issues to handle.

On the BDSM front, I am also in a good news/bad news situation. I am going to end it with my Sir this week. I don't know if I should do it by phone, messenger, or in person. This issue with how/when to communicate has been part of the problem. But if I needed a trigger, this combination of holiday (when he wasn't available by any means) and my very difficult days with the cat... He could have been in touch, but hardly bothered, and I've received virtually no emotional support from him. Late last night he tried, but it really was too little too late. I can't give of myself to someone who doesn't cherish me. If all I want is someone to play with, I can get that close by, from men who are single and more available.

I need to understand for myself, though, why I need a trigger. Why I am so afraid to hurt him, basically putting his needs before mine, in a very fundamental way, not in the sense of a D/s dynamic, the way I understand or want it. Why should I be this concerned with his hurt feelings, when I'm dealing with real life problems, and he doesn't seem to be equally concerned with my feelings?

Maybe I really am a masochist :)

Ha, it didn't come across that way, but that was the good news. The not-so-good news (in terms of me complicating my life as usual) is that things have taken a turn with EVERYONE I was just talking to. It actually came about because of Magnus - I had no way to get to/from the hospital... I'm a city-dweller, think NYC, and the hospital is out of town. So one offered to take me, the other to pick me up... Meanwhile I was already playing with the third... So now I've met both "potentials" in person, both have been supportive, both are attractive... Damn damn damn. I can't even play with four different people, never mind create anything meaningful.

So I continue to muddle along in my crazy, careening way. I was actually on messenger with four separate men at the same time last night, and I didn't want to close any of the windows. I'm an addict. Or obsessed. Or just a slut (for attention, at least, hehe).

Or maybe I need a true Master who will force me to put my life in order.

Somewhat random ramblings

It's a bit weird for me to recall my first days in this world, I've experienced so much, so quickly...

I also want to get caught up, and write about today, but for me this blog isn't only about sharing, it's a record, so I don't want to jump around too much.

How to organize my thoughts...?!

I won't. Just plug on.

So during the week of my first meeting with my Sir, I hadn't yet cut Domino out of the story. My first session with him was good, and I wanted to see how it continued. I also was still trying to correspond with several other in The Cage. It was taking a lot of my energy, and this was NOT good for my work life -- I had recently started a new, and demanding, job. But I was obsessed.

I met Domino again. This time, he went a bit further with me, which should have turned me on, but I had begun to realize how little I was really into him. I saw the session through, but didn't get the same excitement out of it. I was also still in my "not thinking" mode, and let him take pictures of the session. Dumb. I don't know this guy, why would I let him take photographic evidence of me in "compromising" positions?

So then I ended it. At least a session too late :)

That weekend I had another session with yet another Dom... I am nothing if not voracious in my appetites, and eager to experience it all... Okay, I'm also a bit of a slut, LOL

Odd as it seems, though, my relationship with my Sir was solidifying. He didn't know the details of my extracurricular activities, but we did have a discussion about exclusivity. Because he knew how little time he had to give me, he allowed me to fill in the gap elsewhere. This has worked both to his benefit and detriment, as I will also tell.

My online correspondences with several Doms led to several meetings that did not develop into anything sexual or D/s. One Dom became a very good friend. Only one continued to develop into something, and I eventually met him for a session.

I should add here that I tried to keep a diary of all my contacts. It's difficult to reconcile people's online nicks, messenger names, and real names, and I was contacted by and corresponding with quite a few people.

I need to learn to trust my instincts. What I first wrote about Alon is: "Weirdo". But for some reason I spoke to him on the phone after that, and revised my assessment. When we met for our session I learned another lesson. I'll speak of my hard lessons in my next post.

The main thing I actually wanted to say here is that even though I was still in the "crazed" phase, the excitement of the beginning, I began to realize that this - THIS - my move into a world I wasn't aware of, a new phase of my life - was real. I wasn't all that adept at handling it yet, I didn't have the requisite experience to make good judgments, I didn't even know what I wanted and didn't want yet. But I was making room for it in my life, and learning lessons (both good and bad), and going through internal changes to accommodate a new identity.