Messiness

My life is kind of a mess right now. I'm still dealing with Magnus' situation, and now it looks like I have a month of very intensive treatments ahead, and only after that will we know what his true prognosis is.

Work is really bad. I like my job, but hate my boss, and he's making my life miserable. Hard enough to deal with when I don't have cat and BDSM issues to handle.

On the BDSM front, I am also in a good news/bad news situation. I am going to end it with my Sir this week. I don't know if I should do it by phone, messenger, or in person. This issue with how/when to communicate has been part of the problem. But if I needed a trigger, this combination of holiday (when he wasn't available by any means) and my very difficult days with the cat... He could have been in touch, but hardly bothered, and I've received virtually no emotional support from him. Late last night he tried, but it really was too little too late. I can't give of myself to someone who doesn't cherish me. If all I want is someone to play with, I can get that close by, from men who are single and more available.

I need to understand for myself, though, why I need a trigger. Why I am so afraid to hurt him, basically putting his needs before mine, in a very fundamental way, not in the sense of a D/s dynamic, the way I understand or want it. Why should I be this concerned with his hurt feelings, when I'm dealing with real life problems, and he doesn't seem to be equally concerned with my feelings?

Maybe I really am a masochist :)

Ha, it didn't come across that way, but that was the good news. The not-so-good news (in terms of me complicating my life as usual) is that things have taken a turn with EVERYONE I was just talking to. It actually came about because of Magnus - I had no way to get to/from the hospital... I'm a city-dweller, think NYC, and the hospital is out of town. So one offered to take me, the other to pick me up... Meanwhile I was already playing with the third... So now I've met both "potentials" in person, both have been supportive, both are attractive... Damn damn damn. I can't even play with four different people, never mind create anything meaningful.

So I continue to muddle along in my crazy, careening way. I was actually on messenger with four separate men at the same time last night, and I didn't want to close any of the windows. I'm an addict. Or obsessed. Or just a slut (for attention, at least, hehe).

Or maybe I need a true Master who will force me to put my life in order.

Kink BBQ and not taking NO for an answer

On Saturday, I went to my very first "event". This wasn't a staged event, where BDSMers put on a show or play... It was simply a barbeque put on by a core group of vetaran kinksters.

The significance is that it was my first time socializing with anyone from the community. It was really nice, but also strange. It was strange because these are not necessarily people I would bond with outside of our kink. But also nice, because open discussion of topics I otherwise keep very discreet is really refreshing.

A twist on the whole thing is that I was invited by a Dom who is clearly interested in me, and so I can't pretend it was "just" socializing. And given the state of my mind and nerves, this is a twist I might not need.

So even though I keep saying I'm slowing things down, I've allowed things to accelerate again:

* I haven't ended things with my Sir, even though we had a long, difficult, tearful talk yesterday about the fact that things are probably winding down between us. I'm not being fair to him or to myself - I should just cut it off. But I'm having trouble letting go, and he will apparently settle for any part of me I want to give him... Though if I'm not exclusive, he won't be exclusive, and that's a whole other can of worms.

* I began meeting another Dom who is just charming to me - he's just starting to live the lifestyle. It's ironic that I would be the one to help break him in, given my own lack of experience... And I don't see this developing into anything more serious, but he's in the mix.

* I have two other Doms I'm talking to by phone or online that I'm actually interested in. One is a better candidate because he's actually available, not married or living far away...

* I have one other Dom I was talking to, but do not think I'm interested in, but whom I've agreed to meet for coffee (am going in about 5 minutes in fact). I need to learn to be more assertive. I mean, I won't *do* anything I don't want to with anyone I don't want to, but even the discussions and meetings for coffee take their toll.

* There is a whole array of others with whom I have some degree of contact or other... Haven't made any promises, don't intend to. But I really need to stop being so damn NICE. It's killing me.

PS. Came back from coffee. Told Y. I didn't see it happening - he too is married, and lives far away. He's convinced I really do want him and am just being defensive, putting up walls. I really don't see him as an option, though I'm flattered by the attention. He won't push me into a relationship, but is not really letting go.

I had another one I corresponded with for a few weeks by mail and phone, and met once for coffee. After due consideration, I told him I wasn't interested. He's still messaging me and calling.

Is it an ego thing that causes so many Doms to simply not accept that it isn't right? Why is "no" such a hard answer to believe?

Ho hum

I seem to be running out of steam a bit. LOL, I meant the blog, but as I'm writing I realize that it isn't the blog, it's me...

For one, now I'm pretty much caught up with my "story" -- there is always more to tell, but chronologically I started then, and arrived at the now. And the now is so much more complex for me.

Another reason, I'm just tired. I haven't been sleeping that well, I haven't been eating properly, and work has been beyond stressful. So have my BDSM related thoughts and activities. I'm doing what I can about all these, but they are likely to take some time to straighten out.

Blog-wise -- I wish I had more readers. (Not that I don't appreciate the ones I have!) I tried a Google search and a Google Blog search and my blog doesn't come up in the searches. I've since read that many new blogs are having indexing problems with Google, and there simply doesn't seem to be anything to do about it. I keep wondering if I started a blog on a NON Google site if I would have better luck :)

So my brain is a bit slow. I have a lot to try and make sense of -- my general situation has not changed. And while my main source of stress is work, not BDSM, this is a close second, and the stress is spilling into every other aspect of my life.

So I'm not all light and laughter today :)

But I didn't want to let the writing fall by the wayside.

Thanks for reading me!

2-month anniversary musings

Yesterday was exactly two months since I met my Sir, and that was just a little bit after I entered this world, defined myself in terms of BDSM, or D/s.

Here are some of my thoughts:

One: Only two months? Can't be!

It seems a lot longer. It feels like I've lived a lifetime in these few weeks. I've enjoyed myself, learned new things, been scared, felt foolish, met new people, expanded my horizons, begun blogging, come a lot, been stressed out of my mind, felt exhausted, and a whole spectrum of other emotions. The proportion of this experience in my life is like no other two months I can think of.

Two: Am I really that special?

Are all new (or not necessarily new) submissives as sought after as I've been? This has been a huge boost to my ego, but I'm not mentioning it or asking in order to boast. I read that there are more men than women in the community, and I expected *some* response, but I'm not kidding -- I've had over 1500 enquiries in just a few weeks. Even when I posted NOT AVAILABLE on my profile. Just about every Dom I've talked with has wanted to meet me, and every Dom I met has wanted to continue with me. These are not the odds I'm used to in the vanilla world!

I mean, I consider myself fairly attractive, and more than a little sexy. But this has been crazy. And not all that much fun - it takes a lot of time and effort to fend off that many determined Doms.

At first I attributed it to the fact that I was "fresh meat" in The Cage. But the flow continues...

Three: I'm the one with the power

Because I'm sought after, because the Doms I meet are so open and direct in their desire for me, I am in a position of power I'm also not used to in the vanilla world. In my previous relationships, and even more so in dating, it always felt like navigating the terms of the relationshop was very complex. Here -- they are (so far) rather simple. First of all - there are rules :) Second, I determine when the power exchange happens, and I have the freedom to end it. Of course, I don't have the power within those two points, but It's odd how I feel so much more empowered now than I ever did before. Not what I expected!

(to be continued...)

Somewhat random ramblings

It's a bit weird for me to recall my first days in this world, I've experienced so much, so quickly...

I also want to get caught up, and write about today, but for me this blog isn't only about sharing, it's a record, so I don't want to jump around too much.

How to organize my thoughts...?!

I won't. Just plug on.

So during the week of my first meeting with my Sir, I hadn't yet cut Domino out of the story. My first session with him was good, and I wanted to see how it continued. I also was still trying to correspond with several other in The Cage. It was taking a lot of my energy, and this was NOT good for my work life -- I had recently started a new, and demanding, job. But I was obsessed.

I met Domino again. This time, he went a bit further with me, which should have turned me on, but I had begun to realize how little I was really into him. I saw the session through, but didn't get the same excitement out of it. I was also still in my "not thinking" mode, and let him take pictures of the session. Dumb. I don't know this guy, why would I let him take photographic evidence of me in "compromising" positions?

So then I ended it. At least a session too late :)

That weekend I had another session with yet another Dom... I am nothing if not voracious in my appetites, and eager to experience it all... Okay, I'm also a bit of a slut, LOL

Odd as it seems, though, my relationship with my Sir was solidifying. He didn't know the details of my extracurricular activities, but we did have a discussion about exclusivity. Because he knew how little time he had to give me, he allowed me to fill in the gap elsewhere. This has worked both to his benefit and detriment, as I will also tell.

My online correspondences with several Doms led to several meetings that did not develop into anything sexual or D/s. One Dom became a very good friend. Only one continued to develop into something, and I eventually met him for a session.

I should add here that I tried to keep a diary of all my contacts. It's difficult to reconcile people's online nicks, messenger names, and real names, and I was contacted by and corresponding with quite a few people.

I need to learn to trust my instincts. What I first wrote about Alon is: "Weirdo". But for some reason I spoke to him on the phone after that, and revised my assessment. When we met for our session I learned another lesson. I'll speak of my hard lessons in my next post.

The main thing I actually wanted to say here is that even though I was still in the "crazed" phase, the excitement of the beginning, I began to realize that this - THIS - my move into a world I wasn't aware of, a new phase of my life - was real. I wasn't all that adept at handling it yet, I didn't have the requisite experience to make good judgments, I didn't even know what I wanted and didn't want yet. But I was making room for it in my life, and learning lessons (both good and bad), and going through internal changes to accommodate a new identity.

Have I thrown my values out the window?

It's extremely flattering to be pursued.

When I signed up to The Cage (BDSM community in Israel), I began getting dozens, if not hundreds of requests/introductions.

But at the start, when the numbers were still sort of sane, I was a bit less selective. I described in my last post how I basically gave myself to one of the first people who even spoke to me. But it isn't just that he was one of the first. I might not have all the tools yet to determine who is a good match for me D/s-wise, but as a human being I know what I like: Communication, sophistication, cleverness... When someone writes to me "I liked your profile. Can we meet?", the chances are I won't meet them. I'm just a bit bored with the fact they didn't say anything about themselves (and many of the profiles are empty), and they didn't think they need to "market" themselves at all.

But then I got this:

"I've already invested in our relationship (in Hebrew there is a lovely word for "couplehood" that just doesn't exist in English). I looked up the meaning of your username. Is it possible you are really into the room where priests change their clothes?"

Okay, so maybe some of the humor is lost in translation. But he looked up the meaning of vestry, not vestri, and came up with a Catholic church reference. Which actually does it for some people, hehe, but wasn't my intent.

But I loved that he was thinking about my nick, that he made an effort, and the intelligence and humor that oozed from every word he wrote. I wrote back, then he wrote back, and we were so engaged in this light, surprising, delightful dialog, that before I knew it I had pretty much committed to him, inasmuch as you can through PMs in The Cage.

I couldn't wait to meet him. And I did, and it was great. I'll tell about that too. But what is more important for me to share right now is my mental state, my thoughts, my emotions, at this stage of my self-discovery as a submissive.

I was "with" Domino. I shouldn't have been. It wasn't fair of him to claim me just because I met him for a session. And there is no real reason I have to give his claim any legitimacy. But I wasn't clear on the rules, or even what I wanted or expected. And here I am meeting with someone else. There is a fundamental dishonesty here that I would never have allowed myself in any vanilla relationship.

Also, my new Dom (Cafe) is married. That is also a bright-line limitation I do not cross in my "real" life. So why in my BDSM persona am I allowing things I never would before? Have my ethics and values changed? Are the rules really that different? Am I making allowances for myself just because I'm that horny?

This was the next big question I had to deal with: What are the rules of engagement, and how do I reach synchronicity between my true values and the world I am exploring?

My entry into a new world

I mentioned I signed up to "the" Israeli BDSM forum... But of course there are more than one. This one is the largest, and most people who participate in other online communities also belong here. So I tend to think of it as "the".

I wasn't thinking when I got there. I didn't really know what I wanted. I just knew that I was horny and curious and that something had "clicked" in my brain, and I needed to run with it.

I filled out a profile, and within minutes was getting messages in my inbox. I began corresponding with a couple of the Doms who wrote me, and within days I already met one of them for my very first session.

I wasn't being very careful, and I'm pretty lucky things turned out okay. Though I also think that I have good instincts about people, even online, so it wasn't just luck.

"Domino" and I set a time to meet - at my place. I waited for him on my bed, on all four, with my head down so I couldn't see him. He blindfolded me, and began the session. Because of my inexperience, he didn't do anything extreme at all - it was much more about the tone of voice, obedience, etc. I didn't feel attracted to him, but my level of excitement was so high, that when he fucked me I was ready for it, hungry for it... then he slapped me.

I was terrified of this - I knew I wanted to be dominated, but I never thought I could have someone strike me and consider it acceptable. But under the circumstances - especially because I couldn't see it coming - it was just all that more exciting, and I began to come. Hard.

Other than being blindfolded and slapped, there were no particular "acts" that would be unusual in a vanilla setting. But the setting wasn't vanilla at all, and I was getting exactly the experience I wanted.

When he left, he had me close my eyes and count to 300. The idea being that I couldn't really know if he left or not, and was testing me. I complied. I can't say that there wasn't the part of my brain that said, "this is a silly game!", but once I commit to a course of action, I stick with it. If I play a game, I try to play it well.

From Domino's perspective, I was now His. But I was very dissatisfied with him as my Dom. I didn't really get the attention I needed, and in spite of his assertions that "we need to talk about everything" and "communication is the most important thing", I didn't feel he was available to me. So I kept looking.

Which wasn't difficult - the messages were pouring in. I got hundreds of them in just those first few days.

And yet - I still had so much to learn, and having already thrown myself head first into this, it was difficult to slow down enough to think things through.

So I kept hurtling headlong into this new chapter of my life.