One down

Yair is out. He came over last night, and I was not able to recapture any of the magic I felt up until the last few days. It seems that while on one hand he is saying he is interested, he feels that if he acts like he cares -- just because I asked him to -- that makes him weaker. And in spite of some physicality (not sexual, really) last night, he has gone back to being incommunicado today, even though I can see that he is online.

While I don't expect to "rule" a Dom through my emotions, needs, or anything else, I do have some expectations... Until I enter that submissive role with him, I need him to show me that my feelings are important, because otherwise how can I trust him from the position I'll be in as his submissive? That trust is all important to me, as is my general emotional connection with him.

And it isn't that this is happening in a vacuum. I can compare side by side with Erez, who is THERE. At least from the emotional perspective. He takes everything I say I want or need into account, which doesn't mean he gives into it, but I never feel alone or ignored.

I still have about a million question marks about Erez, but at least another loose end is being tied up.

Maybe because I experienced a loss, maybe it was time for things to come to a head anyway, but right now I am feeling a bit clearer on my need to get rid of the "noise". All kinds of extraneous activities and connections that don't contribute to my happiness. Most of them are harmless -- like my young, beginner Dom. He is sweet. I like him. I just don't need him, and he does take up attention and time. There are one or two other "distractions" like him.

Well, the realization is there, but that doesn't mean I've followed through with action yet, hehe. But I will.

Slow progress

I have spent the last few days mostly mourning, but also trying to distract myself from my misery. One day I'll need to think about why I use men to distract me, rather than, say, my friends. It hasn't been that way for years and years, because there really weren't many men in my life. But now I have (perhaps) too many...

So. Friday night I met with Tipus, who I think is shaping up as just the playmate I thought he would be. He's the most single/available one of all, and the sex is good, but I just don't feel anything beyond that.

The other two men I've been considering... Yair is the one I was pretty set on -- he's divorced, and I was really enjoying our exchanges. And when we met last week, we had an amazing evening together. But then, because he had to spend most of his time with his children during this holiday, he dropped off the radar completely. I didn't expect much of his time, but if he wants me, he could have set a few minutes aside for a phone call when I told him Magnus died. And he hasn't.

So Erez (the married one) has not hesitated to fill that vacuum. He's the one who has been there to help me with practical things as well as emotional. We met last evening, and became quite a bit more intimate. I don't know what to expect from him yet, but this is clearly a much more emotional connection, and will demand a great deal from me, and that terrifies me.

The young Dom I was helping get started along his way is still trying to remain in the picture, but I actually don't have much patience for this right now. I've been putting him off, but probably should just cut it off. Which, of course, is where I have my biggest problem :-)

So not too much has developed, but there are some directions. This week should clarify things more.

My baby is gone

Magnus died today. I thought he was getting better, but he had different ideas. I wasn't with him, I was at work dealing with my psycho boss, and he went away. I don't know that I can forgive myself for being away when he was so sick.

I love him so much, I'm not even digesting it yet.

Erez, one of my potentials, has been there for me throughout this ordeal. He has helped me, and sympathized, and supported me. He helped me arrange the burial. No one else did any of these things, not even my friends.

I feel so bound to him now. I don't want it to be just out of gratitude. I hope it's not. I hope that the fact that he was there to take care of me is just an extension of what we already saw as potential... I only wish he wasn't the married one. He is married and going to stay that way, because he has a wife who is disabled, and he isn't the type to abandon anyone who he made a commitment to and who relies on him.

I really wish that either of my other 'friends' had stepped up to the plate. But they didn't, and that speaks volumes. Meanwhile, Cafe-my-former-Sir, is exceeding himself with online support. But he knows he couldn't have been there, and so do I, so it's bittersweet and we're exchanging many loving messages, but they are still "after" notes, and we're not going back.

I'm going to sleep now.

To Sir with Love

So I finally did it. I broke it off with my Sir. Haha, I don't even have another name for him. I mean, I know his name, but I've never said it. It doesn't feel like him. Maybe his nick... Cafe. Cafe. Cafe. I need to think of him as Cafe and not my Sir.

It's been in the cards for a while, but the thing with my cat was the last straw. I need someone who will be there for me, take care of me, support me (not financially), cheer me up, sympathize... I deserve that, and I certainly don't need to stay in this relationship just to avoid having to hurt someone.

But I do want to take a moment, even just for myself, to make sure I remember that even though it ultimately wasn't "it", this was an important relationship for me. This is the man who taught me to respect my submission. This is a man who always looked at me with joy in his eyes, and felt lucky to have me. This is the man who always found me to be the most beautiful woman in the world, no matter my state or situation. This man was as tender or as tough as I needed him to be, every time he was with me. This is a man who always made me laugh. This is the man who helped me feel part of a world I might otherwise have avoided immersing in. This is a man who when I told him it was over, had the grace and courtesy to tell me he will always cherish every second with me, and that he is the luckiest man in the world, just because I gave myself to him.

Now I remember why it was difficult for me to end it... It doesn't sound all that bad :) Of course, it was never bad, just limited.

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Magnus is home and doing as well as can be expected. We're treating him with leeches in addition to conventional heart treatment, and so far so good -- no miracles, but signs of improvement. I am cautiously optimistic. And watching the leeches do their work was pretty cool.

Messiness

My life is kind of a mess right now. I'm still dealing with Magnus' situation, and now it looks like I have a month of very intensive treatments ahead, and only after that will we know what his true prognosis is.

Work is really bad. I like my job, but hate my boss, and he's making my life miserable. Hard enough to deal with when I don't have cat and BDSM issues to handle.

On the BDSM front, I am also in a good news/bad news situation. I am going to end it with my Sir this week. I don't know if I should do it by phone, messenger, or in person. This issue with how/when to communicate has been part of the problem. But if I needed a trigger, this combination of holiday (when he wasn't available by any means) and my very difficult days with the cat... He could have been in touch, but hardly bothered, and I've received virtually no emotional support from him. Late last night he tried, but it really was too little too late. I can't give of myself to someone who doesn't cherish me. If all I want is someone to play with, I can get that close by, from men who are single and more available.

I need to understand for myself, though, why I need a trigger. Why I am so afraid to hurt him, basically putting his needs before mine, in a very fundamental way, not in the sense of a D/s dynamic, the way I understand or want it. Why should I be this concerned with his hurt feelings, when I'm dealing with real life problems, and he doesn't seem to be equally concerned with my feelings?

Maybe I really am a masochist :)

Ha, it didn't come across that way, but that was the good news. The not-so-good news (in terms of me complicating my life as usual) is that things have taken a turn with EVERYONE I was just talking to. It actually came about because of Magnus - I had no way to get to/from the hospital... I'm a city-dweller, think NYC, and the hospital is out of town. So one offered to take me, the other to pick me up... Meanwhile I was already playing with the third... So now I've met both "potentials" in person, both have been supportive, both are attractive... Damn damn damn. I can't even play with four different people, never mind create anything meaningful.

So I continue to muddle along in my crazy, careening way. I was actually on messenger with four separate men at the same time last night, and I didn't want to close any of the windows. I'm an addict. Or obsessed. Or just a slut (for attention, at least, hehe).

Or maybe I need a true Master who will force me to put my life in order.

Don't leave me!

It looks like my cat is dying. He isn't old, he didn't have any apparent health problems, and suddenly he's in the veterinary hospital with a bad heart, edema of the lungs and an embolism paralyzing his leg.

He's on IVs, and the next few hours are critical. Even if he lives, he will be on heart medication for the rest of his life, and have a high chance of recurrence.

Magnus is the only creature in this world that I actually love. I feel love for many people, such as friends and family. But true love, strange as it sounds, pure, unselfish, total, unconditional love -- I have only for him. He is a part of my soul. Even my other cat Lexi doesn't come close in my heart.

I can't bear the thought of losing him. I can't. Can't.

Springtime

I'm not big on holidays, and I try not to wait until someone designates a day for me to think about important things. But it occurred to me just now that Passover is the Spring Festival, as well as a celebration of freedom, and I am feeling it, yes I am. Spring -- the season of rebirth. Ha, waxing philosophical, I am.

I'm feeling good today. The weather is beautiful, and I had a lovely brunch with a good friend, and all seems right with the world. Yesterday was the first time in a very long time that I didn't feel stressed and with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I could put it down to having the most amazing sex in a very long time last night... And I'm sure that has contributed! But I felt that way before, and I think the sex was good because I am feeling better to begin with.

Need I say it wasn't with my Sir? I'm realizing more and more that the past couple of months have been increasingly messing with my sex drive. I'm a horny person, and that has remained the same, but little by little, my natural sexuality has been chipped away, through stress, through emotional uncertainty... From trying to make something fit, that just doesn't. I haven't been masturbating, for example, and that should have been a clue.

So yesterday I experienced my own freedom and oh my, I needed that. I'm practically walking on air today. A spring in my step, you might even say...

Tipus is the playmate-type I mentioned, and I guess I needed to play!