Devolution

A good friend with whom I chat online recently asked me, "Is there *anyone* sane over there?!?!", when I told him some of what's been going on with the most recent man/dom I've been involved with.

My answer: Apparently not.

It's a testament to how even vastly lowered expectations are not a guarantee that your expectations will be met, LOL... I don't even expect sanity anymore. I don't expect to love and admire anyone who doms me. I don't expect very much at all (how fucking tragic is that...). And yet -- I'm continually disappointed, or let down.

The devolution from just one weekend to the next: Unbelievable. From a really fun, and really BDSM-y 2 days, we went to a pretty vanilla encounter, where he managed to criticize me more comprehensively and brutally than probably all the previous criticisms I've accumulated in a decade! (And all that while getting no satisfaction, hehe)... To the past weekend which as far as I am concerned is like hitting rock bottom (as much as you can "hit" it when you're not that emotionally involved).

Enough is enough. I'm not doing this.

For whatever reason, this man did touch me deeply. Over this past week+ of interactions, I have done NOTHING that wasn't meant to make him feel good: from submission to caressing to listening to working hard to pleasuring him to....

But I'm not feeling good, and that is unacceptable. It is especially unacceptable when given the above, I'm continually being accused of anything and everything (most of which I just don't recognize as having anything to do with me... Rather, I think he's having trouble with the fact that I'm not her -- the former GF. He has trouble fucking me, he has trouble liking me, he has trouble with himself and his emotions, and is taking it out on me... He is a switch, and I'm sensing that he badly needs to be dommed. But I'm a sub, and also need to be dommed... Maybe just not a good fit at this time and place...).

(What is especially frustrating to me is that I would most like to be friends with this man. Not primarily lovers, not primarily BDSM... Those things can be involved if they feel right, if they come naturally. But it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. And so I'm burning out on yet another key figure in the local landscape, and it doesn't seem that I will ever be able to feel socially comfortable in this community. And that is what is upsetting me the most.)


Anyway, if I hear another statement beginning with "YOU" I might get violent.

You are closed.
You are uncommunicative.
You came here with expectations.
You are a castrator.
You have no feminine intelligence.
You created the problem.
You are imprecise.
You are marking me as your territory.
You... You... You...

You is leaving the building!!!!