Under consideration?

(cross-posted from a discussion I started on FetLife)

I've been seeing this dom for, oh, about two and a half months. The original terms of our relationship were very casual. He's poly, freshly out of a relationship, not looking for a commitment. So we played, spent time together, but no "official" titles of any kind were given to the relationship.

Over this period, I've had quite a few ups and downs with him, and been there for him throughout. Lately, we've become closer and closer. And it was becoming pretty clear that, with or without a title, I am in effect his sub. But still -- both of us are free to "play the field".

(Given the amount of time we've been spending together, there hasn't been too much of that. But we have added another girl as a third side to our triangle, and that's going pretty well so far. And he still spends a lot of time meeting people online. I'm okay with that so far.)

The other day, he flat out called me his sub in his blog, which led to a much more serious "wither goest the relationship?" kind of discussion. Good talk, recognition of what is already there. No real change, in other words.

Part of the discussion is his view (which I basically share) that there are different levels and even stages of being someone's sub (or dom, for that matter). In other words, I might be his sub, but I'm not in the same position as the 2-year, 24/7 sub he recently separated from... Nor is our 3rd side in the same position as me...

Beginning to make sense?

Probably not, lol.

Anyway, one day after this talk he springs on me that he wants me to put that I'm under his consideration in my profile (on our local community site). To him -- this is a very serious statement, and a necessary stage. To me -- I didn't go through "the steps" with him from the start, and now I'm already there as far as I'm concerned.

And trying to get any really well-defined answers as to what it means hasn't gone so well. He says "you know what it means" and treats my attempts to make it clearer as evasion, and lack of submission. (And to be honest, there is some truth to that.)

Which then brings me back to my question (some of you might remember my deliberations) about how much of a submissive I really am, how much my ego gets in my way, and all that... I really hate the "consideration" word (in Hebrew it is called being a "candidate").

I don't like feeling tested. I don't like putting myself "up for" acceptance or rejection. I don't like that I have to give up playing the field, and not really being clear on what I'm getting in return. I hate the feeling of giving up my options, even if there are no current options, or any that I really want.

So am I the only one who has an ego impediment here? Should I just be ecstatic that he asked me? When he asked my how I felt I told him I had a problem with the word "candidate" and he really didn't hear the rest of what I had to say, which is that I did get the warm and fuzzies about being asked...

So I'm confused.

Feeling good

I just am.

This week has been another week of highs. Not as crazy as that last time... no. But better, oh yes.

This week was a holiday here (our New Year), so I didn't work very much. I went to a fet party and I'm starting to feel part of the community... I knew a lot of people. I got a lot of attention. I was groovin' all over the place :-D

Let's just call it playful :) Playful with a very lovely couple of friends, playful with the same girlfriend I got playful with last time, and the flogger of an old familiar friend got playful with my ass.

I had even brought a date (vanilla with kinks, not BDSM) but he was sort of... Not involved. For the most part. But he was by far the best looking guy at the party so that was okay too.

Day after -- picnic in the park with my lovely young couple. Yummy ;-)

Next day at work I found out that this bitch from our New York office who has been making my life hell had been asked to leave... Happy New Year to me! I'm still walking on air.

And the weekend was filled with renewed intimacy (and new-frontier sessions) with Mr. C. (Only one tough moment that I hope we've overcome... Can't seem to get away from those with him :/ )

So this week has been very BDSM-ey and fun, and happy, and I'm high on endorphins and music and food and youth.

For the two weeks prior to that I was involved in an actual romance that doesn't seem to have a chance in hell of going anywhere but which has been really nice to be in. The idiot lives in France, so...

Yeah. We'll see.

But today is a beautiful day and I'm planning to enjoy it!

No such thing as perfection

Well, it didn't work out. Kinda crashed and burned, even.

Can't say I'm surprised. Another emotional cripple. Must be the 13th tribe of Israel.

I was a bit disappointed for a while, just because I really never meet anyone to get excited over. But I think I really jumped the gun on that one anyway... He didn't really merit the excitement.

I'm a bit frustrated that the only two guys I've met in recent months that I consistently like are one guy who is just a fuck-buddy, and while he is pleasantly kinky is really not BDSM; and another who was just visiting from France. No one local.

Maybe I gotta get outta here, LOL

Moments on hold

Yes, my perfect moment was with the perfect-on-paper guy. It wasn't the best moment of my life or anything like that... It was just like how I defined it -- a moment that was exactly what it was supposed to be.

I was sooooo nervous about meeting him... but when I got there it was just natural. The connection was immediate, and we both felt our initial instincts had been good.

So comfortable. So right. So easy.

We had an amazing time, and no, I'm not giving details :)

The upshot, though, is that though we crafted a plan to spend the weekend together and "begin" something, he's had a family crisis since then. His mother was admitted to the hospital, and had open heart surgery last night.

Betwixt and between... I don't really know how I feel about things right now. He was supposed to go on a business trip today for a week and a half, so we had a window of about three days to get to know each other first... And that window has closed.

I'm assuming he cancelled the trip now, but I don't actually know because we haven't been speaking, at all.

Now, it's hard to argue with a mother in surgery and family crisis... But at the same time it's hard for me to believe he hasn't had ANY time for communicating with me.

On the other hand, one night, as significant as it felt, doesn't create relationship-level obligations...

On yet another hand, though, the things that were said, the tone and content of "how things were" that night and the morning after... Yes, some expectations have been created.

So now I'm on hold. I'm trying to be understanding and patient, but a little voice is still whispering in my ear that if he doesn't include me (even just by sending an SMS, I certainly don't expect to be center stage right now...), that maybe that speaks to how he is in a relationship. And yes, this was shaping up to be a relationship.

For me, this isn't easy at all. I haven't been in a relationship (not a significant one) since my divorce 12 years ago. I've dated, fooled around, had friends and fuck buddies, and short term flings... But no relationships. What was so scary about this guy is that he was the first man I met in my 10 years in Israel that had relationship potential.

So I admit, I'm not only uncertain of him, I'm uncertain of myself. I'm not sure how to interpret things, not sure how to handle myself, not sure if I'm seeing things through the lens of my insecurity or if I'm seeing things clearly...

I guess I'll have to wait and see.

The moment after

There are perfect moments.

It's impossible to say why these moments, of all the possible moments.

It isn't because someone's pretty, or you came so hard, or the background music is perfect, like the soundtrack to a movie.

Rather, it is that this moment, this moment is exactly as it should be.

And I... I'm connected enough to recognize it. But just cynical enough to know that that's it, the moment after won't be perfect anymore.

Waiting to land.

Maybe exciting?

I met someone.

He's special.

I'm really afraid to find out he isn't who or what I think, or that it just isn't "it".

I'm holding my breath.

Not easy!!

Nothing too exciting...

Even while all the excitement (ahem) is going on, I still keep my profile up on the BDSM site and correspond with doms of interest there. Though "doms of interest" might be taking the concept a bit too far, because really, there don't seem to be any...

Examples of the guys I've spoken to recently (and trust me, this is AFTER massive filtering):

• Spends two weeks "getting to know me" by having me explain in detail what is in my desk drawers and what was on my plate at lunch. YAWN.
  
  
• Spends two weeks (more? seems interminable) "getting to know me" by intellectualizing every tidbit of conversation and analyzing it to death. Never actually making a move to meet, or getting very personal.
  
  Note: this is actually something I've run into quite a bit by a certain profile of dom. Mostly "older" (50+) and seemingly many of them are accountants or in similar professions. They want to "guide" me and "teach" me, even though I never expressed that as a goal in meeting someone. Not that I don't want to learn, but I consider it a dynamic process, yes?
  
  
• Spends two weeks, or more, actually meeting me and getting to know me, which was nice and refreshing, but never actually achieving a meeting of the minds as to anything. A shame.
  
  
• Demands that I meet him for a play session on our first meeting (not having shared very much of himself in the two weeks or so that we've been talking), and then sets as a condition that I be COLLARED to him BEFORE we meet. Yeah, right buddy, you are so gone...

Compare this to the really great fun I have with Mr. C, and the respect I actually have for many, many aspects of him, and you can see why -- in spite of the downs I experience with him -- I'm not so eager to toss him. More like trying to find the balance where I get what I want, without paying too high a price. And we did spend Saturday night and had a very nice time, again.

It really would be great if I found a man who was my be-all and end-all. Not that optimistic about it. Not closed to the possibility, either. Meanwhile, don't care to be all on my own.