No such thing as perfection

Well, it didn't work out. Kinda crashed and burned, even.

Can't say I'm surprised. Another emotional cripple. Must be the 13th tribe of Israel.

I was a bit disappointed for a while, just because I really never meet anyone to get excited over. But I think I really jumped the gun on that one anyway... He didn't really merit the excitement.

I'm a bit frustrated that the only two guys I've met in recent months that I consistently like are one guy who is just a fuck-buddy, and while he is pleasantly kinky is really not BDSM; and another who was just visiting from France. No one local.

Maybe I gotta get outta here, LOL

Moments on hold

Yes, my perfect moment was with the perfect-on-paper guy. It wasn't the best moment of my life or anything like that... It was just like how I defined it -- a moment that was exactly what it was supposed to be.

I was sooooo nervous about meeting him... but when I got there it was just natural. The connection was immediate, and we both felt our initial instincts had been good.

So comfortable. So right. So easy.

We had an amazing time, and no, I'm not giving details :)

The upshot, though, is that though we crafted a plan to spend the weekend together and "begin" something, he's had a family crisis since then. His mother was admitted to the hospital, and had open heart surgery last night.

Betwixt and between... I don't really know how I feel about things right now. He was supposed to go on a business trip today for a week and a half, so we had a window of about three days to get to know each other first... And that window has closed.

I'm assuming he cancelled the trip now, but I don't actually know because we haven't been speaking, at all.

Now, it's hard to argue with a mother in surgery and family crisis... But at the same time it's hard for me to believe he hasn't had ANY time for communicating with me.

On the other hand, one night, as significant as it felt, doesn't create relationship-level obligations...

On yet another hand, though, the things that were said, the tone and content of "how things were" that night and the morning after... Yes, some expectations have been created.

So now I'm on hold. I'm trying to be understanding and patient, but a little voice is still whispering in my ear that if he doesn't include me (even just by sending an SMS, I certainly don't expect to be center stage right now...), that maybe that speaks to how he is in a relationship. And yes, this was shaping up to be a relationship.

For me, this isn't easy at all. I haven't been in a relationship (not a significant one) since my divorce 12 years ago. I've dated, fooled around, had friends and fuck buddies, and short term flings... But no relationships. What was so scary about this guy is that he was the first man I met in my 10 years in Israel that had relationship potential.

So I admit, I'm not only uncertain of him, I'm uncertain of myself. I'm not sure how to interpret things, not sure how to handle myself, not sure if I'm seeing things through the lens of my insecurity or if I'm seeing things clearly...

I guess I'll have to wait and see.

The moment after

There are perfect moments.

It's impossible to say why these moments, of all the possible moments.

It isn't because someone's pretty, or you came so hard, or the background music is perfect, like the soundtrack to a movie.

Rather, it is that this moment, this moment is exactly as it should be.

And I... I'm connected enough to recognize it. But just cynical enough to know that that's it, the moment after won't be perfect anymore.

Waiting to land.

Maybe exciting?

I met someone.

He's special.

I'm really afraid to find out he isn't who or what I think, or that it just isn't "it".

I'm holding my breath.

Not easy!!

Nothing too exciting...

Even while all the excitement (ahem) is going on, I still keep my profile up on the BDSM site and correspond with doms of interest there. Though "doms of interest" might be taking the concept a bit too far, because really, there don't seem to be any...

Examples of the guys I've spoken to recently (and trust me, this is AFTER massive filtering):

• Spends two weeks "getting to know me" by having me explain in detail what is in my desk drawers and what was on my plate at lunch. YAWN.
  
  
• Spends two weeks (more? seems interminable) "getting to know me" by intellectualizing every tidbit of conversation and analyzing it to death. Never actually making a move to meet, or getting very personal.
  
  Note: this is actually something I've run into quite a bit by a certain profile of dom. Mostly "older" (50+) and seemingly many of them are accountants or in similar professions. They want to "guide" me and "teach" me, even though I never expressed that as a goal in meeting someone. Not that I don't want to learn, but I consider it a dynamic process, yes?
  
  
• Spends two weeks, or more, actually meeting me and getting to know me, which was nice and refreshing, but never actually achieving a meeting of the minds as to anything. A shame.
  
  
• Demands that I meet him for a play session on our first meeting (not having shared very much of himself in the two weeks or so that we've been talking), and then sets as a condition that I be COLLARED to him BEFORE we meet. Yeah, right buddy, you are so gone...

Compare this to the really great fun I have with Mr. C, and the respect I actually have for many, many aspects of him, and you can see why -- in spite of the downs I experience with him -- I'm not so eager to toss him. More like trying to find the balance where I get what I want, without paying too high a price. And we did spend Saturday night and had a very nice time, again.

It really would be great if I found a man who was my be-all and end-all. Not that optimistic about it. Not closed to the possibility, either. Meanwhile, don't care to be all on my own.

On and on and on it goes...

Where it stops, nobody knows...

Tuesday was my birthday. I don't usually have strong feelings about them, either positive or negative. This birthday sucked, though. Mr C went back into criticism mode, and actually managed to hurt my feelings, badly. I cried a lot, and the next day -- B day -- was simply dismal.

Next day, I got over it and life is fine again. Don't know if I'll be seeing Mr C anymore. I love what he does for me (to me) physically, and damn, he is a fun person to be around. But the aftermath and in-between times are as bad as the together time is good.

My social network in the community is developing, though, which is good. Went to a fet party last night, which was REALLY fun. I even got a little (really just a little) girl-on-girl action with a friend of mine, and that was new. Might get to go to a play party next week.

So things are basically good :)

Re-volution?

And DRAMA.

Ah, well.

I'm nothing if not flexible, lol.

Went back for another weekend, after all. After my resolve and self respect told me to leave.

But I did it eyes wide open. He - mr. criticism - came back with apologies, clarity, openness... And the part that was good about the beginning was visible again. So I took a chance.

And really, it was a great weekend again. Mostly... There were some low points but they weren't directed at me.

Things become clearer:

I'm back in curiosity mode. Now it is less a matter of going crazy and feeding frenzy and meeting a million different guys. I realize that *this* guy has a lot to teach me, and I'm interested in learning.

And in a mere two weeks... OMG, let's just say I learned a lot.

I've also realized that Mr. C's problems run deeper than the recent breakup, and probably he has an issue with alcohol. One of those very high-functioning alcoholics, possibly. Big warning light, but forewarned is forearmed.

I am not gearing to be in a "couple" relationship with him. I'm liking what he has to offer, it's up to me to set the limits, and realize if he's not in a place (emotionally or regarding the alcohol) where I can be with him.

And I'm still open to meeting others, and am pursuing that, in a calm and sane fashion :)

~*~*~

This weekend I:

• Topped!
  
  I topped Mr. C -- which as I said, he sorely needed, and it made us both happy. And I also topped (dommed?) a pretty intense flogging session on a friend of his I met at a party the night before (under Mr. C's very expert tutelage). Yikes, I didn't know I had it in me, but apparently I do :)
  
  
• Took part in an on-stage session at a fet party.
  
  It was a minor part -- a couple I'm becoming close with asked me to "help out". I got on stage and stood with my back to the cross, and held onto my friend as her master attached her to it... I hugged her and pet her and whispered sweet nothings in her ear. We both enjoyed it very much.
  
  
• Had a fight break out over me (protecting my honor?).
  
  Or some such nonsense. It really didn't have anything to do with me, but it's the first time I experienced that (kind of high-school, isn't it?) and can't say there wasn't a tiny part of me that enjoyed it. Underneath my disgust at the violence and childishness of it all.
  
  A friend(?) of mine -- Y. -- (one of the many men previously mentioned in this blog, but someone I have shied away from in recent months) had his birthday at the fet club. He put me on the invitee list so I didn't have to pay entrance. I wasn't expecting to go with Mr. C, but that's how it worked out. It turns out there is bad blood between them... (through online blogging stuff, mostly to do with aforesaid very public breakup, sheesh. They don't even know each other in person).
  
  Anyway, Y. was NOT happy I showed up with Mr. C... And let me know it. But I am not in any way beholden to him, so I didn't dwell on the topic. At some point, Y. came up to me and whacked me on the ass -- right in front of Mr. C... Who then jumped on Y. and punched him in the face. Mayhem broke out. Welcome to your first time at the club, Vestri! Drama follows wherever you go...
  
  At some point Y. came back into the club and attacked me. Another first... Never been the victim of an assault before. Mr. C ended up with a bloody nose from one of the DMs being overly enthusiastic in removing him from the fight scene.
  
  Drunken fools.
  
  
• Discovered Mr. C's alcohol problem the hard way.
  
  I knew he had a couple of drinks, but didn't seem incapacitated, and it had been a couple of hours... He insisted on driving to the party. I had misgivings, but when I tried to reconstruct how much he had drunk it didn't seem that it would cross any legal limits, so I said okay. Dumb. We got stopped at a roadblock and he failed the breathalizer test. I have no tolerance for drunk driving, and I probably should have known better. Maybe he had more to drink than I noticed... It isn't an automatic arrest here, but he did get his license taken away and will face a trial (2-year minimum suspension, possible jail time, though not likely). Very yucky part of the weekend.

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Later on, Y. asked to meet me to apologize. I let him. I don't hold grudges, I just learn.

Now I'm exhausted. Back at work, and needing another weekend, to recover :)