New addition to the family

After Magnus died, I had a feeling I would need to get a new cat. I didn't like the feeling that I was "replacing" him, and while I know I'm not, the feeling is hard to shake. But poor little Lexi shouldn't remain alone. This past month has been very difficult for him.

And for me.

So I was open to adopting a new kitten. But I couldn't quite make the effort... So I decided I would let fate determine when I get a new kitty. And it did -- just in time. A friend of mine, who happened to be leaving the country the next day, found this kitten at the train station, and couldn't resist saving her. The city authorities had already been called to capture and exterminate. But she couldn't really take the cat back to Germany with her... So now I have a new little girl. Her name is Lilla and I'm in love.

Who can't get no satisfaction?

I took care of the not enough sex problem. In spades!!!

I'm a loser, baby...

Feeling a bit of a loser today. I hate that feeling. It's all part of the ups and downs of my life lately... I know that I create my own situations, I don't have anyone else to blame. But I really wish I could find that quiet place inside myself. That part of me that knows. Knows what to do, what I even want...

I keep playing the field. In itself, that is okay. But then I feel upset that none of these people really cares about me. Well, I'm not entering situations based on caring.

Y. did express quite an ardent desire that I be his sub. But at the same time, I don't get the feeling that he wants to take care of *me* in any way, just wants what I have to offer. I said no. I don't think I really want to belong to anyone... Now I'm peeved that he's not more attentive.

T. never made any promises, nor told any lies... I have no complaints, he's been the realest and the sweetest... But I got offended when he chose to be elsewhere after being away for a couple of weeks, rather than see me! Ha, my ego was bruised :) I mean, I saw him on Saturday, but why should I be alone tonight?

Of course, I originally had other plans. I was supposed to meet someone I've been talking to (N.), and he's married, and I've sworn off married men as not being available enough. But there actually was an emotional connection there, I decided to meet him just to talk, and see what it was or wasn't. Through a series of misunderstandings, he thought I didn't want to see him, and disappeared. And that hurt my feelings. But if you think about it, really, I'm offended that T. didn't want to be my backup plan... I really am a special kind of arrogant slut, LOL

Meanwhile, A. is actually very anxious to see me, explore a real relationship, etc. And I'm totally uninterested. And R. too... So I'm kind of an unsuccessful slut when I think about it. I have all these guys around me, I'm hardly getting laid at all, and I'm emotionally unsatisfied.
And that's why I'm feeling like a loser.

Maybe

Maybe I'm just kinky.
Maybe I'm just horny.
Maybe I'm just a slut.
Maybe I just crave attention.
Maybe I'm just indecisive.
Maybe I'm really a switch.
Maybe I'm an emotional masochist.
Maybe I'm insecure. Maybe I'm arrogant.
Maybe I got bored.
Maybe I need things complicated.
Maybe I'm lonely.
Maybe I'm horny.
Maybe I'm sad.
Maybe I'm impatient.
Maybe I'm too smart for my own good.
Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am.
Or maybe I'm just a horny, kinky, slut.

Handling

No major developments or revelations this week. More like incremental movements. I'm feeling a bit less pressured today. That can change.

Somehow, I've let Erez back into my life. But he's not putting pressure on me now. I think maybe he realizes he was creating expectations based on what he thinks a sub IS or *should be*, and I'm not necessarily any of those things. Now he realizes he wants me in his life, with no predefined roles. So we might even just end up friends (ha). Of course, all this insight is all of a day or two old, and we could easily regress. We'll see.

Meanwhile, Y., the one I thought might have some potential, is backing off a bit, too. Not completely -- just giving me my space. Yay. I need that, and really appreciate it.

Other playmates: T is coming back from his trip to US/Canada on Friday. I guess at this point I'm still not obligated to anyone else, so I plan to see him. I *did* see R, my beginning Dom, the other day. I told him that my relationship with Cafe was over, and he's now making big plans for the two of us... Not sure I want to go there. But the truth is, of everyone, he's the sweetest and nicest guy all-round. I'm just not that interested in him. A bit of sweetness here and there is nice though :) The other young guy -- the one play got too intense with -- I think I'm going to have to cut loose. I don't have the energy to teach him how to be caring as well as cruel, and in spite of all his declarations that he cares about me, wants to develop something serious with me, I don't see it happening based on our history so far. And I'm spread too thin as it is. He is a gorgeous specimen though. Maybe that's been clouding my judgment a bit?

In spite of the fact that I don't really seem to be in any more focus than I was, I actually do feel that I'm slowly getting a handle on myself. Slowly. Though for someone surrounded by all these men I've had only a miniscule amount of sex out of it, lately. Remember why I got into this game to begin with??? Sigh.

But now, I'm not dealing with cat issues, I don't have the flu, I'm over my food poisoning, and my miserable period will be over by tomorrow (hopefully). So this weekend... This weekend...

Better be better!

Venting

These days, I seem to be mostly annoyed, and feeling somewhat numb.

I have gone back to playing, but that is never simple either. I met someone I thought would be fun, and he was, but our playing was more intense somehow than anything I'd experienced before, and I had a terrible case of subdrop -- or perhaps pure depression -- a day or two later, and he wasn't around to help me with it, nor was anyone else.

To make things worse, I've been kind of sick all week, so I'm also physically run down.

Last night I "met" someone else from my forum, and got together with him today. I don't get these Doms who want to OWN me from the first time we meet. So while he has (had?) potential, now I'm feeling pressured, and don't intend to give in to that.

I know I seem to just be complaining complaining complaining. But that's not the point at all. It just seems that if I do nothing, I get restless and lonely, and if I stay "in", I get frustrated. I need to find my balance, and I'm just not there yet.

So I vent here. It's why I started the blog :)

Onward

Erez talked me down from the crisis point last weekend... I felt there had been a strong enough start that the communication should continue, so long as he recognized that things had gone wrong, and why.

But now, in spite of the respite from pressure (he has been making an effort to be supportive), I am not getting the feeling of closeness and excitement that was building up before. So I'm moving on.

To be honest, I just don't think I'm done playing. I can't seem to help myself. Though at the same time, I really am looking for that one man I can give all of myself to. It just isn't easy to find anyone really worthwhile...

The journey continues.