Aftermath

So much has happened.

After my last post, it became clear to me that for whatever reason, I'm not able to disengage from this relationship. So I threw myself into it even more. Committed myself like never before. Even now I can't say why, exactly. Why I was so sure there was something of such supreme value for me to gain from it, or if I was addicted, or weak...

We actually entered a sort of honeymoon period... Which was fantastic for a while. But unsurprisingly, it didn't last. And I became very unhappy again, and it became clearer and clearer that I would have to end it. But still didn't have the strength. I kept pulling in that direction, and not quite getting there. He kept on holding on to me. Until he didn't hold on anymore.

And now it's over.

At first I was happy and relieved. It was a difficult adjustment: I had moved in, and moving back was challenging, and I had removed myself from habits and friends... But it felt right.

Then the depression hit, so I went to Argentina on holiday. I really needed to get away, and I also knew that if I stayed we'd end up seeing each other again, and that didn't feel right. He's the type of man who can't be alone for more than a minute and a half, and I didn't want to be in the middle of all that.

But when I came back from Argentina, I was so sad. And I really missed him. And he really missed me. So now we're doing that dance of seeing each other, but not getting back together. It's emotionally draining. One minute it's amazing -- better than the actual relationship ever was. The next it's the lowest of the lows. And I am in no shape to really handle that.

What is it that makes me unable to disconnect? Is it him? Is it the d/s stuff, am I addicted? Am I weak? Hungry for love? An emotional masochist?

I am so disappointed, in him, in myself... I don't really think that in the end I got from the relationship most of what I came into it for. What I worked so hard for. I'm sure I got a lot out of it, and when the clouds clear up I'll really appreciate it.

But right now things just suck.

:(

Confusion

I haven't been here much lately.

Not because I don't have what to write, life truly has been a roller coaster ride.

Mostly because I don't really have the time.

Don't have the energy.

Am not clear on what I want to say.

...

Today, I'm feeling sad and doubtful. Not for the first time.

I'm feeling a strong urge to run, to end things, to say "fuck it, this just isn't me" and stop trying.

I don't know if my urge is from the true places in my heart, or from my fears. If it is the first -- I should run! And no matter what I feel I am giving up in the process, which is A LOT. If it is the second, I need to understand where my fears come from, and deal with them. Eliminate them. Because they are getting in the way.

...

I'm probably not going to be able to be truly clear on what is bothering me, what the situation is. Because it's complicated, and emotional, and very much related to things in my psyche that I can't easily express.

But here are some highlights:

1. My master is an alcoholic. He is a very high-functioning alcoholic... No Jekyll/Hyde stuff, no missed work, no general destructiveness... But when things happen or discussions take place, or decisions need to be made, it makes a difference, even if sometimes a subtle one. And this isn't something I can change. No words or actions from me will make him stop drinking. He needs to get there himself, so he will or he won't when he decides it's time, if ever.
   
   I just need to decide if I can live with this.
   
   
2. Nature of the relationship: This isn't a pure d/s situation. We practically live together. We entertain (vanilla) friends together. We cook and clean and hang out with the kids. For all intents and purposes, we are a couple. BUT. He won't have ANY of that. He is in dread of being part of a couple, as he ended a very intense, deep, long-term relationship just before I met him. So on one hand, there is development of an emotional relationship and living an everyday life of a relationship... But I can't have a discussion that even sounds like it assumes the existence of a relationship. Because then his resistence kicks in, and I get a kick in the ass.
   
   I don't do well with "pretend". I don't do well when my emotions are involved to this extent, but I can't express and protect and develop them. He hints to me, and sometimes more than hints, that it is just a matter of time, that I need to be patient. That the key to building and recognizing that relationship is my submission. But all this pretense interferes with my submission. To the point of erasing it completely.
   
   
3. Switching. He defines himself as a switch. But he isn't really. Mentally, he is 100% dom. But he likes to be topped, physically. He wants me to do the topping. I'm learning that place, I have it in me. But it puts me in dom mode, and also interferes with my submission. Also, there are only so many hours in a day or week that can be devoted to sex and/or play, and right now they are primarily spent in that situation -- me topping him. So that interferes with my submission, and also comes at a cost of me getting what I need here. I really do need to be topped, it's what I got involved in this lifestyle for.
   
   
4. Polyamory. When I met him, I knew he was poly. It didn't bother me, because I wasn't intending on getting involved in a relationship with him (same with the alcoholism). When the relationship began to intensify, he told me it shouldn't matter, because he really only has one sub, and everything else is "smelling the roses along the way". But now, he has another sub. I really didn't sign up for this. I don't mind a "visitor" now and then, but this is another relationship. Clearly not as close, not as deep, not as intense as ours. But it continually grows and develops, as relationships do. It isn't just someone who comes over to play.
   
   He says it has nothing to do with me, it doesn't affect my place with him, that I really shouldn't mind it at all. But I do mind it. I don't like being part of a harem.

On the positive side, the reason I entered this relationship, is that Cheetah, my dom and master, is the first person -- EVER -- who saw into me. Really saw into me. He brings out things in me that I didn't think I ever could. He provides me with warmth, and love, and excitement, and fun. He's an amazing person, and I feel that I was put on this path for a reason. For two reasons, actually.

One, submission. I never really really submitted before. I played at submission, and mostly just bottomed, physically. In my profile at FetLife, for example, I changed my status from sub to bottom, because I didn't really feel I was a sub when it came down to it. But Cheetah brings it out in me, gives me a glimpse of what can be in that place, and allows me to recognize that I do want to be there, to truly submit.

Obviously, I'm not there yet.

The second, is a concept I'm not sure how to say in English. It exists in Kabbalah, if anyone wants to look it up... Tikkun. Tikkun means to "fix" something. It doesn't have to be something actually broken -- it can be an improvement, growth, awakening, enlightenment... All kinds of stuff, that often another person, event or relationship can trigger. I think Cheetah has a special skill, magical almost, of seeing where people act from, what their deeper motivations are, what is in their mind and soul, and he knows how to lead from that place. I'm not with him for psychotherapy, that isn't the point. But he has something to offer that I want. He sees my insides, and sees my potential, and sees where I've been, and where I can go... No one ever has before, I'm not sure anyone ever will again. It is a truly rare gift. So this is part of what I don't want to give up on.

So the bottom line is all about submission. I want to, don't know if I can. I want to truly submit to HIM, but don't really know if I can trust him. I do, about 98% of the time. But those extra 2% seem to be pretty crucial.

It's what it all comes down to -- the alcohol, the poly, the definitions, the relationship, the sex, the top/bottom dynamic... It comes down to whether I can submit, want to submit, am resisting, am afraid... Or if it is all just wrong for me.

I really don't know, and so I continue to struggle.

I did it!

It took me a while, and a lot of thinking, and talking about it...

But in the end I realized: I knew all along that I wanted to take the next step with Mr. C. Whatever it was... I just needed to get comfortable with the idea.

I never did warm up to the term consideration, but in my discussions with him it became clear he wasn't tied to the word. What he wanted was the commitment -- a definition of a new stage in the relationship, that isn't the "whole" thing yet. In other words -- no collar, but a public announcement that I am under his care, tutelage, protection... That I am his sub.

It was mine to ask for, and I did need to ask.

So when I realized that the decision had been made, the discussions had been had, the clarifications made (not all was made clear, lol... part of what was made clear was simply that I am jumping in the pool without testing that there is water... That I need to trust him, and I don't need to know everything). Anyway, when all that had been determined, I wrote a letter expressing my thoughts and feelings about the development of our relationship, and asking him to give me permission to write in my profile (rough translation):

I have placed the keys to the kingdom in the hands of Cheetah. From today, he is the master who leads me and tests me and protects me and enables me and helps me to develop and grow, to reach my rightful place.

The place where I belong.

The surface meaning of the words is pretty clear, but behind each word was a thought and significance from our many conversations of what it means to him, to me, to submit. And that is why I was able to eliminate the term consideration... He understood what I did, I understood what he wanted, and I believe we are both satisfied :)

It hasn't been entirely easy, but I'm happy!

Under consideration?

(cross-posted from a discussion I started on FetLife)

I've been seeing this dom for, oh, about two and a half months. The original terms of our relationship were very casual. He's poly, freshly out of a relationship, not looking for a commitment. So we played, spent time together, but no "official" titles of any kind were given to the relationship.

Over this period, I've had quite a few ups and downs with him, and been there for him throughout. Lately, we've become closer and closer. And it was becoming pretty clear that, with or without a title, I am in effect his sub. But still -- both of us are free to "play the field".

(Given the amount of time we've been spending together, there hasn't been too much of that. But we have added another girl as a third side to our triangle, and that's going pretty well so far. And he still spends a lot of time meeting people online. I'm okay with that so far.)

The other day, he flat out called me his sub in his blog, which led to a much more serious "wither goest the relationship?" kind of discussion. Good talk, recognition of what is already there. No real change, in other words.

Part of the discussion is his view (which I basically share) that there are different levels and even stages of being someone's sub (or dom, for that matter). In other words, I might be his sub, but I'm not in the same position as the 2-year, 24/7 sub he recently separated from... Nor is our 3rd side in the same position as me...

Beginning to make sense?

Probably not, lol.

Anyway, one day after this talk he springs on me that he wants me to put that I'm under his consideration in my profile (on our local community site). To him -- this is a very serious statement, and a necessary stage. To me -- I didn't go through "the steps" with him from the start, and now I'm already there as far as I'm concerned.

And trying to get any really well-defined answers as to what it means hasn't gone so well. He says "you know what it means" and treats my attempts to make it clearer as evasion, and lack of submission. (And to be honest, there is some truth to that.)

Which then brings me back to my question (some of you might remember my deliberations) about how much of a submissive I really am, how much my ego gets in my way, and all that... I really hate the "consideration" word (in Hebrew it is called being a "candidate").

I don't like feeling tested. I don't like putting myself "up for" acceptance or rejection. I don't like that I have to give up playing the field, and not really being clear on what I'm getting in return. I hate the feeling of giving up my options, even if there are no current options, or any that I really want.

So am I the only one who has an ego impediment here? Should I just be ecstatic that he asked me? When he asked my how I felt I told him I had a problem with the word "candidate" and he really didn't hear the rest of what I had to say, which is that I did get the warm and fuzzies about being asked...

So I'm confused.

Feeling good

I just am.

This week has been another week of highs. Not as crazy as that last time... no. But better, oh yes.

This week was a holiday here (our New Year), so I didn't work very much. I went to a fet party and I'm starting to feel part of the community... I knew a lot of people. I got a lot of attention. I was groovin' all over the place :-D

Let's just call it playful :) Playful with a very lovely couple of friends, playful with the same girlfriend I got playful with last time, and the flogger of an old familiar friend got playful with my ass.

I had even brought a date (vanilla with kinks, not BDSM) but he was sort of... Not involved. For the most part. But he was by far the best looking guy at the party so that was okay too.

Day after -- picnic in the park with my lovely young couple. Yummy ;-)

Next day at work I found out that this bitch from our New York office who has been making my life hell had been asked to leave... Happy New Year to me! I'm still walking on air.

And the weekend was filled with renewed intimacy (and new-frontier sessions) with Mr. C. (Only one tough moment that I hope we've overcome... Can't seem to get away from those with him :/ )

So this week has been very BDSM-ey and fun, and happy, and I'm high on endorphins and music and food and youth.

For the two weeks prior to that I was involved in an actual romance that doesn't seem to have a chance in hell of going anywhere but which has been really nice to be in. The idiot lives in France, so...

Yeah. We'll see.

But today is a beautiful day and I'm planning to enjoy it!

No such thing as perfection

Well, it didn't work out. Kinda crashed and burned, even.

Can't say I'm surprised. Another emotional cripple. Must be the 13th tribe of Israel.

I was a bit disappointed for a while, just because I really never meet anyone to get excited over. But I think I really jumped the gun on that one anyway... He didn't really merit the excitement.

I'm a bit frustrated that the only two guys I've met in recent months that I consistently like are one guy who is just a fuck-buddy, and while he is pleasantly kinky is really not BDSM; and another who was just visiting from France. No one local.

Maybe I gotta get outta here, LOL

Moments on hold

Yes, my perfect moment was with the perfect-on-paper guy. It wasn't the best moment of my life or anything like that... It was just like how I defined it -- a moment that was exactly what it was supposed to be.

I was sooooo nervous about meeting him... but when I got there it was just natural. The connection was immediate, and we both felt our initial instincts had been good.

So comfortable. So right. So easy.

We had an amazing time, and no, I'm not giving details :)

The upshot, though, is that though we crafted a plan to spend the weekend together and "begin" something, he's had a family crisis since then. His mother was admitted to the hospital, and had open heart surgery last night.

Betwixt and between... I don't really know how I feel about things right now. He was supposed to go on a business trip today for a week and a half, so we had a window of about three days to get to know each other first... And that window has closed.

I'm assuming he cancelled the trip now, but I don't actually know because we haven't been speaking, at all.

Now, it's hard to argue with a mother in surgery and family crisis... But at the same time it's hard for me to believe he hasn't had ANY time for communicating with me.

On the other hand, one night, as significant as it felt, doesn't create relationship-level obligations...

On yet another hand, though, the things that were said, the tone and content of "how things were" that night and the morning after... Yes, some expectations have been created.

So now I'm on hold. I'm trying to be understanding and patient, but a little voice is still whispering in my ear that if he doesn't include me (even just by sending an SMS, I certainly don't expect to be center stage right now...), that maybe that speaks to how he is in a relationship. And yes, this was shaping up to be a relationship.

For me, this isn't easy at all. I haven't been in a relationship (not a significant one) since my divorce 12 years ago. I've dated, fooled around, had friends and fuck buddies, and short term flings... But no relationships. What was so scary about this guy is that he was the first man I met in my 10 years in Israel that had relationship potential.

So I admit, I'm not only uncertain of him, I'm uncertain of myself. I'm not sure how to interpret things, not sure how to handle myself, not sure if I'm seeing things through the lens of my insecurity or if I'm seeing things clearly...

I guess I'll have to wait and see.

The moment after

There are perfect moments.

It's impossible to say why these moments, of all the possible moments.

It isn't because someone's pretty, or you came so hard, or the background music is perfect, like the soundtrack to a movie.

Rather, it is that this moment, this moment is exactly as it should be.

And I... I'm connected enough to recognize it. But just cynical enough to know that that's it, the moment after won't be perfect anymore.

Waiting to land.

Maybe exciting?

I met someone.

He's special.

I'm really afraid to find out he isn't who or what I think, or that it just isn't "it".

I'm holding my breath.

Not easy!!

Nothing too exciting...

Even while all the excitement (ahem) is going on, I still keep my profile up on the BDSM site and correspond with doms of interest there. Though "doms of interest" might be taking the concept a bit too far, because really, there don't seem to be any...

Examples of the guys I've spoken to recently (and trust me, this is AFTER massive filtering):

• Spends two weeks "getting to know me" by having me explain in detail what is in my desk drawers and what was on my plate at lunch. YAWN.
  
  
• Spends two weeks (more? seems interminable) "getting to know me" by intellectualizing every tidbit of conversation and analyzing it to death. Never actually making a move to meet, or getting very personal.
  
  Note: this is actually something I've run into quite a bit by a certain profile of dom. Mostly "older" (50+) and seemingly many of them are accountants or in similar professions. They want to "guide" me and "teach" me, even though I never expressed that as a goal in meeting someone. Not that I don't want to learn, but I consider it a dynamic process, yes?
  
  
• Spends two weeks, or more, actually meeting me and getting to know me, which was nice and refreshing, but never actually achieving a meeting of the minds as to anything. A shame.
  
  
• Demands that I meet him for a play session on our first meeting (not having shared very much of himself in the two weeks or so that we've been talking), and then sets as a condition that I be COLLARED to him BEFORE we meet. Yeah, right buddy, you are so gone...

Compare this to the really great fun I have with Mr. C, and the respect I actually have for many, many aspects of him, and you can see why -- in spite of the downs I experience with him -- I'm not so eager to toss him. More like trying to find the balance where I get what I want, without paying too high a price. And we did spend Saturday night and had a very nice time, again.

It really would be great if I found a man who was my be-all and end-all. Not that optimistic about it. Not closed to the possibility, either. Meanwhile, don't care to be all on my own.

On and on and on it goes...

Where it stops, nobody knows...

Tuesday was my birthday. I don't usually have strong feelings about them, either positive or negative. This birthday sucked, though. Mr C went back into criticism mode, and actually managed to hurt my feelings, badly. I cried a lot, and the next day -- B day -- was simply dismal.

Next day, I got over it and life is fine again. Don't know if I'll be seeing Mr C anymore. I love what he does for me (to me) physically, and damn, he is a fun person to be around. But the aftermath and in-between times are as bad as the together time is good.

My social network in the community is developing, though, which is good. Went to a fet party last night, which was REALLY fun. I even got a little (really just a little) girl-on-girl action with a friend of mine, and that was new. Might get to go to a play party next week.

So things are basically good :)

Re-volution?

And DRAMA.

Ah, well.

I'm nothing if not flexible, lol.

Went back for another weekend, after all. After my resolve and self respect told me to leave.

But I did it eyes wide open. He - mr. criticism - came back with apologies, clarity, openness... And the part that was good about the beginning was visible again. So I took a chance.

And really, it was a great weekend again. Mostly... There were some low points but they weren't directed at me.

Things become clearer:

I'm back in curiosity mode. Now it is less a matter of going crazy and feeding frenzy and meeting a million different guys. I realize that *this* guy has a lot to teach me, and I'm interested in learning.

And in a mere two weeks... OMG, let's just say I learned a lot.

I've also realized that Mr. C's problems run deeper than the recent breakup, and probably he has an issue with alcohol. One of those very high-functioning alcoholics, possibly. Big warning light, but forewarned is forearmed.

I am not gearing to be in a "couple" relationship with him. I'm liking what he has to offer, it's up to me to set the limits, and realize if he's not in a place (emotionally or regarding the alcohol) where I can be with him.

And I'm still open to meeting others, and am pursuing that, in a calm and sane fashion :)

~*~*~

This weekend I:

• Topped!
  
  I topped Mr. C -- which as I said, he sorely needed, and it made us both happy. And I also topped (dommed?) a pretty intense flogging session on a friend of his I met at a party the night before (under Mr. C's very expert tutelage). Yikes, I didn't know I had it in me, but apparently I do :)
  
  
• Took part in an on-stage session at a fet party.
  
  It was a minor part -- a couple I'm becoming close with asked me to "help out". I got on stage and stood with my back to the cross, and held onto my friend as her master attached her to it... I hugged her and pet her and whispered sweet nothings in her ear. We both enjoyed it very much.
  
  
• Had a fight break out over me (protecting my honor?).
  
  Or some such nonsense. It really didn't have anything to do with me, but it's the first time I experienced that (kind of high-school, isn't it?) and can't say there wasn't a tiny part of me that enjoyed it. Underneath my disgust at the violence and childishness of it all.
  
  A friend(?) of mine -- Y. -- (one of the many men previously mentioned in this blog, but someone I have shied away from in recent months) had his birthday at the fet club. He put me on the invitee list so I didn't have to pay entrance. I wasn't expecting to go with Mr. C, but that's how it worked out. It turns out there is bad blood between them... (through online blogging stuff, mostly to do with aforesaid very public breakup, sheesh. They don't even know each other in person).
  
  Anyway, Y. was NOT happy I showed up with Mr. C... And let me know it. But I am not in any way beholden to him, so I didn't dwell on the topic. At some point, Y. came up to me and whacked me on the ass -- right in front of Mr. C... Who then jumped on Y. and punched him in the face. Mayhem broke out. Welcome to your first time at the club, Vestri! Drama follows wherever you go...
  
  At some point Y. came back into the club and attacked me. Another first... Never been the victim of an assault before. Mr. C ended up with a bloody nose from one of the DMs being overly enthusiastic in removing him from the fight scene.
  
  Drunken fools.
  
  
• Discovered Mr. C's alcohol problem the hard way.
  
  I knew he had a couple of drinks, but didn't seem incapacitated, and it had been a couple of hours... He insisted on driving to the party. I had misgivings, but when I tried to reconstruct how much he had drunk it didn't seem that it would cross any legal limits, so I said okay. Dumb. We got stopped at a roadblock and he failed the breathalizer test. I have no tolerance for drunk driving, and I probably should have known better. Maybe he had more to drink than I noticed... It isn't an automatic arrest here, but he did get his license taken away and will face a trial (2-year minimum suspension, possible jail time, though not likely). Very yucky part of the weekend.

-----

Later on, Y. asked to meet me to apologize. I let him. I don't hold grudges, I just learn.

Now I'm exhausted. Back at work, and needing another weekend, to recover :)

Devolution

A good friend with whom I chat online recently asked me, "Is there *anyone* sane over there?!?!", when I told him some of what's been going on with the most recent man/dom I've been involved with.

My answer: Apparently not.

It's a testament to how even vastly lowered expectations are not a guarantee that your expectations will be met, LOL... I don't even expect sanity anymore. I don't expect to love and admire anyone who doms me. I don't expect very much at all (how fucking tragic is that...). And yet -- I'm continually disappointed, or let down.

The devolution from just one weekend to the next: Unbelievable. From a really fun, and really BDSM-y 2 days, we went to a pretty vanilla encounter, where he managed to criticize me more comprehensively and brutally than probably all the previous criticisms I've accumulated in a decade! (And all that while getting no satisfaction, hehe)... To the past weekend which as far as I am concerned is like hitting rock bottom (as much as you can "hit" it when you're not that emotionally involved).

Enough is enough. I'm not doing this.

For whatever reason, this man did touch me deeply. Over this past week+ of interactions, I have done NOTHING that wasn't meant to make him feel good: from submission to caressing to listening to working hard to pleasuring him to....

But I'm not feeling good, and that is unacceptable. It is especially unacceptable when given the above, I'm continually being accused of anything and everything (most of which I just don't recognize as having anything to do with me... Rather, I think he's having trouble with the fact that I'm not her -- the former GF. He has trouble fucking me, he has trouble liking me, he has trouble with himself and his emotions, and is taking it out on me... He is a switch, and I'm sensing that he badly needs to be dommed. But I'm a sub, and also need to be dommed... Maybe just not a good fit at this time and place...).

(What is especially frustrating to me is that I would most like to be friends with this man. Not primarily lovers, not primarily BDSM... Those things can be involved if they feel right, if they come naturally. But it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. And so I'm burning out on yet another key figure in the local landscape, and it doesn't seem that I will ever be able to feel socially comfortable in this community. And that is what is upsetting me the most.)


Anyway, if I hear another statement beginning with "YOU" I might get violent.

You are closed.
You are uncommunicative.
You came here with expectations.
You are a castrator.
You have no feminine intelligence.
You created the problem.
You are imprecise.
You are marking me as your territory.
You... You... You...

You is leaving the building!!!!

More on the weekend

I wrote this as a comment, but then thought it qualified as an independent post:

It was fun... the details aren't really that important, but included being tied, blindfolded, spanked, disoriented, hugged, talked to, fucked, gone down on, fed... having friends over, drinking, and... Probably a whole lot more.

What made me feel so intense about it was other stuff. This guy is really together in his BDSM-ness. He is really honest and really responsible and really knowledgeable. We talked for hours before doing anything. But then, he tore me to pieces, lol. We spent almost two days together, in a defined, BDSM way, and I've never done that before. There was a really sweet combination of learning (for me some stuff was new), of learning about each other, of exploring the emotional side of BDSM, if you will, without it having to be our emotions towards each other...

I also enjoyed meeting other people from the community. The mutual friends that set us up were people I knew of through other trusted sources (my former dom), and maybe knew online, but had never met. The four of us didn't really "play" together, but there was a certain openness and liberty there that I enjoyed.

It looks like we'll have a continuation. I need to be careful, because emotionally he's a mess, really in the midst of this breakup. I don't see myself falling for him, but I like him, and he touched me deeply. Which can make me vulnerable (read the previous posts, haha). But I'm going forth, because I'm still all floaty from the weekend three days later, and THAT has also never happened.

Great weekend -- I needed that!

I had a fabulous weekend with someone new. He is not a potential partner (but maybe a potential occasional partner...). He is in the process of ending a two-year, intensely loving relationship, and I don't do rebound, and in any case he's polygamous and I'm not (playing around isn't the same thing...).

But definitely a potential friend. And he's very experienced, and came highly recommended through some mutual friends, so I went for it. And jeez... I feel like I graduated to a higher class of kink, LOL

It wasn't easy... But it WAS good :-)

::ouch::

Possessiveness

I love the feeling of being wanted. Being pursued.

But at the same time, I hate jealousy and possessiveness.

I'm throwing a catch back into the water over this issue.

K. is someone I've been getting to know over the past few weeks. He is basically what I would define as a "good guy". Serious, honest, committed, invests of himself... He has been very determined to enter a relationship with me.

I've been less certain: I don't usually go for younger men (he is 11 years younger than me); there is no instant attraction there (on my part, he is clearly attracted); while I have fun with him, I don't feel that click -- neither emotionally nor intellectually. But I decided to give it a chance and not dismiss him offhand, simply because good guys are not that easy to find.

He's a bit old fashioned, which I found interesting, and not typical of people I've met in this lifestyle to date. And this is where the problem lies: I'm not, and don't have patience for people who judge, and especially not people who judge *me*.

A few comments here and there about promiscuity set off warning bells for me (and he wouldn't have sex with me unless we were committed, so he's pretty consistent on that front). At some point, I told him that my former dom still had pictures of me in his online album. I indicated that if we were in a committed relationship I'd ask him to remove them, but until then I was happy to leave them there.

Of course, he went to view the pictures. And he clearly got upset by them. Some are fairly explicit, and I guess he got jealous. He also seemed to be surprised at how submissive I appeared in the photos, and *that* made him jealous (I don't have a submissive personality outside of a d/s dynamic, so he had only seen small hints of that side of me).

Everyone else I've shown the pictures to has had a positive response, told me I looked sexy in them, thought the pictures were hot... Some were of shibari ties, some were of other situations, all of them carefully selected by me for publication, so I *know* they aren't uncomplimentary...

So I thought it was petty of him to be only negative about the pictures. Our conversation on the topic was unpleasant. And he ended the conversation one-sidedly. "Good night, now."

So good night, good bye... It's all the same. On that sad note I will not be calling again... If you decide to call again and not get the hint, you'd better have a change of attitude.

Marked

I bear your mark on me.

It doesn’t hurt anymore, but I still feel it. A scar that is more than physical, worn on my shoulder for the world to see.

It did hurt, a delicious ache that kept you with me… on me… inside me 24/7, at work, at sleep, at play… You probably forgot it, but I couldn’t if I wanted to.

I wonder if you know what it feels like to have someone that close. I wonder if you can fathom how that mark penetrated my heart. I certainly didn’t realize it at the time. It happened slowly, incrementally… Every time my hand distractedly wandered to that place near my neck and felt the bruising, the scab, the swelling. And it made me smile. And it made me vulnerable.

I’m not sure what to do with that feeling now. I’m not sure I would change it if I could. I can only wish that the vulnerability had been acknowledged, even cherished, and that I had felt protected, even for just a little while.

Because whatever happens between us, or has already happened, that mark now has a life of its own, to be explained to any new lover, or even to a discerning casual observer. For me to glimpse at odd moments in the mirror.

Should it represent my naiveté? My vulnerability? My stupidity? Or can it stand for something better? I would really like that.

July 2008

Expectation-raising statements

"[Vestri] is very sexy and a great partner"

"You were a big part of it setting up the [shibari] show... and now we have to see how to take it further grin"

"Taking it further means trying new ties on you, and getting to the point where it's you on stage!"

"How do you feel about a hot tub and a bunch of pervs?"

"Do you have a garter belt? I have plans that definitely require a garter belt..."

"Let's go to the fet party on Thursday"

"Let's go to the munch this week"

- Do you think what I want is a D/s relationship?
- Yes.
- Well, there's your answer. That is the direction we are headed in.

"I'm mad about your cunt!"

"I thought about you a lot while I was away"

"Too bad I didn't catch you alone, I have a very particular fantasy I'd like to try out, which I think you'll like, a lot!"

"Let's plan a trip to Amsterdam... Or even better -- Prague, lots of good pervy stuff happening there!"

Timelines

Between the last two posts -- one going into an emotional chasm due to something feeling like it was falling apart, and the one that is the letter "ending" it (how do you end something that doesn't exist?) there was a two week period, more or less.

I didn't spend those two weeks waiting around for him to make an appearance... There were interactions. The initial ones were positive -- I asked straight out, are you over me? Or do you still want me? No, and Yes. What's going on? Nothing, it's been crazy... Let's get together Thursday. But Thursday never came...

Then, we finally met and -- nothing. If you can imagine: He invited me over, I thought we were getting back on track. It had been a long sweaty day, and so I jumped in the shower. Now, I'm sitting next to him, damp and wearing naught but a towel... And he spends the next hour showing me his progress on a computer game, and then takes me home.

HUH???

So in the car we have "the talk". Where are we headed? Why are things this way?

Answers: We *are* headed in the D/s direction. The heat.

But since then -- absolutely nothing, even phone and messenger stopped. Hence the letter.

After the letter: A completely crazy conversation in which history was rewritten, and even basic, human responsibility denied.

So it is over, and I'm more than okay with that.

I find it a shame -- and of course hurtful -- that something that had no need to devolve into negativity did. Just a little bit of honesty and communication would have resolved every aspect of this situation. It isn't as if I am in love. It isn't as if my dreams are shattered. It isn't as if I wanted to move in.

I just wanted more of what I perceived as a positive experience and connection. Which I perceived as a mutually positive experience and connection. There shouldn't be anything negative about that, and creating negativity where there is none is the purview of the weak, the twisted, the dishonest, the immature...

Dear John letter

I understand that whatever we had is over. Without a word being said, or a decision being made. Quite the opposite, actually… Several times I asked, tried to figure out intentions or desires, and each time you said you want, you’re planning, there is a direction, there are fantasies, that you still want me.

But in actuality, nothing is happening. There is a saying, your actions speak so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying… Well, I was listening to what you said, and now I’m finally hearing your actions.

Please understand that I don’t have a problem with this. My only problem is that you haven’t been straight with me. I never had any expectations from you that were not of your own making, from things you said or promised or planned… I really wish you had been able to be more honest. I had a great time with you, and I felt that at minimum, we are friends. That we have a connection as people, never mind any additional definitions. But friends don’t hold each other in a state of limbo, insecurity, on the edge… And when I expressed my confusion, my questions, the fact that I suddenly felt vulnerable in a manner I am not accustomed to… I think the ball was in your court.

So to that extent, I am disappointed and hurt.

I’m not happy about saying all this in writing rather than in person, but the feeling that you just don’t want to talk to me, that you don’t want to be face to face, is so strong, that I can’t even bring myself to pick up a phone or try – yet again – to initiate any form of communication.

And understand also that my tears are not due to any D/s relationship that will not be, or sex that didn’t happen. They are because of the friendship, because of the trust, because of my vulnerability, which I have not allowed myself with anyone but you, you may be surprised to hear (nor not? I really have no idea).

So if I’m wrong, if I misunderstood, if there are things I don’t know or am not aware of –- please correct me. I’m not an angry or vindictive person, and I don’t hold grudges. Nor do I like giving up on friends.

If, on the other hand, I’ve hit the mark and finally “got it”, you are welcome to answer me or not, as you like. In either case I will wish you only the best, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you did give me, for the experience I had, for the things that I learned, and the little slice of my life that you were at the heart of.

Hugs,

Vestri