Under consideration?

(cross-posted from a discussion I started on FetLife)

I've been seeing this dom for, oh, about two and a half months. The original terms of our relationship were very casual. He's poly, freshly out of a relationship, not looking for a commitment. So we played, spent time together, but no "official" titles of any kind were given to the relationship.

Over this period, I've had quite a few ups and downs with him, and been there for him throughout. Lately, we've become closer and closer. And it was becoming pretty clear that, with or without a title, I am in effect his sub. But still -- both of us are free to "play the field".

(Given the amount of time we've been spending together, there hasn't been too much of that. But we have added another girl as a third side to our triangle, and that's going pretty well so far. And he still spends a lot of time meeting people online. I'm okay with that so far.)

The other day, he flat out called me his sub in his blog, which led to a much more serious "wither goest the relationship?" kind of discussion. Good talk, recognition of what is already there. No real change, in other words.

Part of the discussion is his view (which I basically share) that there are different levels and even stages of being someone's sub (or dom, for that matter). In other words, I might be his sub, but I'm not in the same position as the 2-year, 24/7 sub he recently separated from... Nor is our 3rd side in the same position as me...

Beginning to make sense?

Probably not, lol.

Anyway, one day after this talk he springs on me that he wants me to put that I'm under his consideration in my profile (on our local community site). To him -- this is a very serious statement, and a necessary stage. To me -- I didn't go through "the steps" with him from the start, and now I'm already there as far as I'm concerned.

And trying to get any really well-defined answers as to what it means hasn't gone so well. He says "you know what it means" and treats my attempts to make it clearer as evasion, and lack of submission. (And to be honest, there is some truth to that.)

Which then brings me back to my question (some of you might remember my deliberations) about how much of a submissive I really am, how much my ego gets in my way, and all that... I really hate the "consideration" word (in Hebrew it is called being a "candidate").

I don't like feeling tested. I don't like putting myself "up for" acceptance or rejection. I don't like that I have to give up playing the field, and not really being clear on what I'm getting in return. I hate the feeling of giving up my options, even if there are no current options, or any that I really want.

So am I the only one who has an ego impediment here? Should I just be ecstatic that he asked me? When he asked my how I felt I told him I had a problem with the word "candidate" and he really didn't hear the rest of what I had to say, which is that I did get the warm and fuzzies about being asked...

So I'm confused.

Feeling good

I just am.

This week has been another week of highs. Not as crazy as that last time... no. But better, oh yes.

This week was a holiday here (our New Year), so I didn't work very much. I went to a fet party and I'm starting to feel part of the community... I knew a lot of people. I got a lot of attention. I was groovin' all over the place :-D

Let's just call it playful :) Playful with a very lovely couple of friends, playful with the same girlfriend I got playful with last time, and the flogger of an old familiar friend got playful with my ass.

I had even brought a date (vanilla with kinks, not BDSM) but he was sort of... Not involved. For the most part. But he was by far the best looking guy at the party so that was okay too.

Day after -- picnic in the park with my lovely young couple. Yummy ;-)

Next day at work I found out that this bitch from our New York office who has been making my life hell had been asked to leave... Happy New Year to me! I'm still walking on air.

And the weekend was filled with renewed intimacy (and new-frontier sessions) with Mr. C. (Only one tough moment that I hope we've overcome... Can't seem to get away from those with him :/ )

So this week has been very BDSM-ey and fun, and happy, and I'm high on endorphins and music and food and youth.

For the two weeks prior to that I was involved in an actual romance that doesn't seem to have a chance in hell of going anywhere but which has been really nice to be in. The idiot lives in France, so...

Yeah. We'll see.

But today is a beautiful day and I'm planning to enjoy it!