No such thing as perfection

Well, it didn't work out. Kinda crashed and burned, even.

Can't say I'm surprised. Another emotional cripple. Must be the 13th tribe of Israel.

I was a bit disappointed for a while, just because I really never meet anyone to get excited over. But I think I really jumped the gun on that one anyway... He didn't really merit the excitement.

I'm a bit frustrated that the only two guys I've met in recent months that I consistently like are one guy who is just a fuck-buddy, and while he is pleasantly kinky is really not BDSM; and another who was just visiting from France. No one local.

Maybe I gotta get outta here, LOL

Moments on hold

Yes, my perfect moment was with the perfect-on-paper guy. It wasn't the best moment of my life or anything like that... It was just like how I defined it -- a moment that was exactly what it was supposed to be.

I was sooooo nervous about meeting him... but when I got there it was just natural. The connection was immediate, and we both felt our initial instincts had been good.

So comfortable. So right. So easy.

We had an amazing time, and no, I'm not giving details :)

The upshot, though, is that though we crafted a plan to spend the weekend together and "begin" something, he's had a family crisis since then. His mother was admitted to the hospital, and had open heart surgery last night.

Betwixt and between... I don't really know how I feel about things right now. He was supposed to go on a business trip today for a week and a half, so we had a window of about three days to get to know each other first... And that window has closed.

I'm assuming he cancelled the trip now, but I don't actually know because we haven't been speaking, at all.

Now, it's hard to argue with a mother in surgery and family crisis... But at the same time it's hard for me to believe he hasn't had ANY time for communicating with me.

On the other hand, one night, as significant as it felt, doesn't create relationship-level obligations...

On yet another hand, though, the things that were said, the tone and content of "how things were" that night and the morning after... Yes, some expectations have been created.

So now I'm on hold. I'm trying to be understanding and patient, but a little voice is still whispering in my ear that if he doesn't include me (even just by sending an SMS, I certainly don't expect to be center stage right now...), that maybe that speaks to how he is in a relationship. And yes, this was shaping up to be a relationship.

For me, this isn't easy at all. I haven't been in a relationship (not a significant one) since my divorce 12 years ago. I've dated, fooled around, had friends and fuck buddies, and short term flings... But no relationships. What was so scary about this guy is that he was the first man I met in my 10 years in Israel that had relationship potential.

So I admit, I'm not only uncertain of him, I'm uncertain of myself. I'm not sure how to interpret things, not sure how to handle myself, not sure if I'm seeing things through the lens of my insecurity or if I'm seeing things clearly...

I guess I'll have to wait and see.

The moment after

There are perfect moments.

It's impossible to say why these moments, of all the possible moments.

It isn't because someone's pretty, or you came so hard, or the background music is perfect, like the soundtrack to a movie.

Rather, it is that this moment, this moment is exactly as it should be.

And I... I'm connected enough to recognize it. But just cynical enough to know that that's it, the moment after won't be perfect anymore.

Waiting to land.

Maybe exciting?

I met someone.

He's special.

I'm really afraid to find out he isn't who or what I think, or that it just isn't "it".

I'm holding my breath.

Not easy!!

Nothing too exciting...

Even while all the excitement (ahem) is going on, I still keep my profile up on the BDSM site and correspond with doms of interest there. Though "doms of interest" might be taking the concept a bit too far, because really, there don't seem to be any...

Examples of the guys I've spoken to recently (and trust me, this is AFTER massive filtering):

• Spends two weeks "getting to know me" by having me explain in detail what is in my desk drawers and what was on my plate at lunch. YAWN.
  
  
• Spends two weeks (more? seems interminable) "getting to know me" by intellectualizing every tidbit of conversation and analyzing it to death. Never actually making a move to meet, or getting very personal.
  
  Note: this is actually something I've run into quite a bit by a certain profile of dom. Mostly "older" (50+) and seemingly many of them are accountants or in similar professions. They want to "guide" me and "teach" me, even though I never expressed that as a goal in meeting someone. Not that I don't want to learn, but I consider it a dynamic process, yes?
  
  
• Spends two weeks, or more, actually meeting me and getting to know me, which was nice and refreshing, but never actually achieving a meeting of the minds as to anything. A shame.
  
  
• Demands that I meet him for a play session on our first meeting (not having shared very much of himself in the two weeks or so that we've been talking), and then sets as a condition that I be COLLARED to him BEFORE we meet. Yeah, right buddy, you are so gone...

Compare this to the really great fun I have with Mr. C, and the respect I actually have for many, many aspects of him, and you can see why -- in spite of the downs I experience with him -- I'm not so eager to toss him. More like trying to find the balance where I get what I want, without paying too high a price. And we did spend Saturday night and had a very nice time, again.

It really would be great if I found a man who was my be-all and end-all. Not that optimistic about it. Not closed to the possibility, either. Meanwhile, don't care to be all on my own.