On and on and on it goes...

Where it stops, nobody knows...

Tuesday was my birthday. I don't usually have strong feelings about them, either positive or negative. This birthday sucked, though. Mr C went back into criticism mode, and actually managed to hurt my feelings, badly. I cried a lot, and the next day -- B day -- was simply dismal.

Next day, I got over it and life is fine again. Don't know if I'll be seeing Mr C anymore. I love what he does for me (to me) physically, and damn, he is a fun person to be around. But the aftermath and in-between times are as bad as the together time is good.

My social network in the community is developing, though, which is good. Went to a fet party last night, which was REALLY fun. I even got a little (really just a little) girl-on-girl action with a friend of mine, and that was new. Might get to go to a play party next week.

So things are basically good :)

Re-volution?

And DRAMA.

Ah, well.

I'm nothing if not flexible, lol.

Went back for another weekend, after all. After my resolve and self respect told me to leave.

But I did it eyes wide open. He - mr. criticism - came back with apologies, clarity, openness... And the part that was good about the beginning was visible again. So I took a chance.

And really, it was a great weekend again. Mostly... There were some low points but they weren't directed at me.

Things become clearer:

I'm back in curiosity mode. Now it is less a matter of going crazy and feeding frenzy and meeting a million different guys. I realize that *this* guy has a lot to teach me, and I'm interested in learning.

And in a mere two weeks... OMG, let's just say I learned a lot.

I've also realized that Mr. C's problems run deeper than the recent breakup, and probably he has an issue with alcohol. One of those very high-functioning alcoholics, possibly. Big warning light, but forewarned is forearmed.

I am not gearing to be in a "couple" relationship with him. I'm liking what he has to offer, it's up to me to set the limits, and realize if he's not in a place (emotionally or regarding the alcohol) where I can be with him.

And I'm still open to meeting others, and am pursuing that, in a calm and sane fashion :)

~*~*~

This weekend I:

• Topped!
  
  I topped Mr. C -- which as I said, he sorely needed, and it made us both happy. And I also topped (dommed?) a pretty intense flogging session on a friend of his I met at a party the night before (under Mr. C's very expert tutelage). Yikes, I didn't know I had it in me, but apparently I do :)
  
  
• Took part in an on-stage session at a fet party.
  
  It was a minor part -- a couple I'm becoming close with asked me to "help out". I got on stage and stood with my back to the cross, and held onto my friend as her master attached her to it... I hugged her and pet her and whispered sweet nothings in her ear. We both enjoyed it very much.
  
  
• Had a fight break out over me (protecting my honor?).
  
  Or some such nonsense. It really didn't have anything to do with me, but it's the first time I experienced that (kind of high-school, isn't it?) and can't say there wasn't a tiny part of me that enjoyed it. Underneath my disgust at the violence and childishness of it all.
  
  A friend(?) of mine -- Y. -- (one of the many men previously mentioned in this blog, but someone I have shied away from in recent months) had his birthday at the fet club. He put me on the invitee list so I didn't have to pay entrance. I wasn't expecting to go with Mr. C, but that's how it worked out. It turns out there is bad blood between them... (through online blogging stuff, mostly to do with aforesaid very public breakup, sheesh. They don't even know each other in person).
  
  Anyway, Y. was NOT happy I showed up with Mr. C... And let me know it. But I am not in any way beholden to him, so I didn't dwell on the topic. At some point, Y. came up to me and whacked me on the ass -- right in front of Mr. C... Who then jumped on Y. and punched him in the face. Mayhem broke out. Welcome to your first time at the club, Vestri! Drama follows wherever you go...
  
  At some point Y. came back into the club and attacked me. Another first... Never been the victim of an assault before. Mr. C ended up with a bloody nose from one of the DMs being overly enthusiastic in removing him from the fight scene.
  
  Drunken fools.
  
  
• Discovered Mr. C's alcohol problem the hard way.
  
  I knew he had a couple of drinks, but didn't seem incapacitated, and it had been a couple of hours... He insisted on driving to the party. I had misgivings, but when I tried to reconstruct how much he had drunk it didn't seem that it would cross any legal limits, so I said okay. Dumb. We got stopped at a roadblock and he failed the breathalizer test. I have no tolerance for drunk driving, and I probably should have known better. Maybe he had more to drink than I noticed... It isn't an automatic arrest here, but he did get his license taken away and will face a trial (2-year minimum suspension, possible jail time, though not likely). Very yucky part of the weekend.

-----

Later on, Y. asked to meet me to apologize. I let him. I don't hold grudges, I just learn.

Now I'm exhausted. Back at work, and needing another weekend, to recover :)

Devolution

A good friend with whom I chat online recently asked me, "Is there *anyone* sane over there?!?!", when I told him some of what's been going on with the most recent man/dom I've been involved with.

My answer: Apparently not.

It's a testament to how even vastly lowered expectations are not a guarantee that your expectations will be met, LOL... I don't even expect sanity anymore. I don't expect to love and admire anyone who doms me. I don't expect very much at all (how fucking tragic is that...). And yet -- I'm continually disappointed, or let down.

The devolution from just one weekend to the next: Unbelievable. From a really fun, and really BDSM-y 2 days, we went to a pretty vanilla encounter, where he managed to criticize me more comprehensively and brutally than probably all the previous criticisms I've accumulated in a decade! (And all that while getting no satisfaction, hehe)... To the past weekend which as far as I am concerned is like hitting rock bottom (as much as you can "hit" it when you're not that emotionally involved).

Enough is enough. I'm not doing this.

For whatever reason, this man did touch me deeply. Over this past week+ of interactions, I have done NOTHING that wasn't meant to make him feel good: from submission to caressing to listening to working hard to pleasuring him to....

But I'm not feeling good, and that is unacceptable. It is especially unacceptable when given the above, I'm continually being accused of anything and everything (most of which I just don't recognize as having anything to do with me... Rather, I think he's having trouble with the fact that I'm not her -- the former GF. He has trouble fucking me, he has trouble liking me, he has trouble with himself and his emotions, and is taking it out on me... He is a switch, and I'm sensing that he badly needs to be dommed. But I'm a sub, and also need to be dommed... Maybe just not a good fit at this time and place...).

(What is especially frustrating to me is that I would most like to be friends with this man. Not primarily lovers, not primarily BDSM... Those things can be involved if they feel right, if they come naturally. But it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. And so I'm burning out on yet another key figure in the local landscape, and it doesn't seem that I will ever be able to feel socially comfortable in this community. And that is what is upsetting me the most.)


Anyway, if I hear another statement beginning with "YOU" I might get violent.

You are closed.
You are uncommunicative.
You came here with expectations.
You are a castrator.
You have no feminine intelligence.
You created the problem.
You are imprecise.
You are marking me as your territory.
You... You... You...

You is leaving the building!!!!

More on the weekend

I wrote this as a comment, but then thought it qualified as an independent post:

It was fun... the details aren't really that important, but included being tied, blindfolded, spanked, disoriented, hugged, talked to, fucked, gone down on, fed... having friends over, drinking, and... Probably a whole lot more.

What made me feel so intense about it was other stuff. This guy is really together in his BDSM-ness. He is really honest and really responsible and really knowledgeable. We talked for hours before doing anything. But then, he tore me to pieces, lol. We spent almost two days together, in a defined, BDSM way, and I've never done that before. There was a really sweet combination of learning (for me some stuff was new), of learning about each other, of exploring the emotional side of BDSM, if you will, without it having to be our emotions towards each other...

I also enjoyed meeting other people from the community. The mutual friends that set us up were people I knew of through other trusted sources (my former dom), and maybe knew online, but had never met. The four of us didn't really "play" together, but there was a certain openness and liberty there that I enjoyed.

It looks like we'll have a continuation. I need to be careful, because emotionally he's a mess, really in the midst of this breakup. I don't see myself falling for him, but I like him, and he touched me deeply. Which can make me vulnerable (read the previous posts, haha). But I'm going forth, because I'm still all floaty from the weekend three days later, and THAT has also never happened.

Great weekend -- I needed that!

I had a fabulous weekend with someone new. He is not a potential partner (but maybe a potential occasional partner...). He is in the process of ending a two-year, intensely loving relationship, and I don't do rebound, and in any case he's polygamous and I'm not (playing around isn't the same thing...).

But definitely a potential friend. And he's very experienced, and came highly recommended through some mutual friends, so I went for it. And jeez... I feel like I graduated to a higher class of kink, LOL

It wasn't easy... But it WAS good :-)

::ouch::

Possessiveness

I love the feeling of being wanted. Being pursued.

But at the same time, I hate jealousy and possessiveness.

I'm throwing a catch back into the water over this issue.

K. is someone I've been getting to know over the past few weeks. He is basically what I would define as a "good guy". Serious, honest, committed, invests of himself... He has been very determined to enter a relationship with me.

I've been less certain: I don't usually go for younger men (he is 11 years younger than me); there is no instant attraction there (on my part, he is clearly attracted); while I have fun with him, I don't feel that click -- neither emotionally nor intellectually. But I decided to give it a chance and not dismiss him offhand, simply because good guys are not that easy to find.

He's a bit old fashioned, which I found interesting, and not typical of people I've met in this lifestyle to date. And this is where the problem lies: I'm not, and don't have patience for people who judge, and especially not people who judge *me*.

A few comments here and there about promiscuity set off warning bells for me (and he wouldn't have sex with me unless we were committed, so he's pretty consistent on that front). At some point, I told him that my former dom still had pictures of me in his online album. I indicated that if we were in a committed relationship I'd ask him to remove them, but until then I was happy to leave them there.

Of course, he went to view the pictures. And he clearly got upset by them. Some are fairly explicit, and I guess he got jealous. He also seemed to be surprised at how submissive I appeared in the photos, and *that* made him jealous (I don't have a submissive personality outside of a d/s dynamic, so he had only seen small hints of that side of me).

Everyone else I've shown the pictures to has had a positive response, told me I looked sexy in them, thought the pictures were hot... Some were of shibari ties, some were of other situations, all of them carefully selected by me for publication, so I *know* they aren't uncomplimentary...

So I thought it was petty of him to be only negative about the pictures. Our conversation on the topic was unpleasant. And he ended the conversation one-sidedly. "Good night, now."

So good night, good bye... It's all the same. On that sad note I will not be calling again... If you decide to call again and not get the hint, you'd better have a change of attitude.

Marked

I bear your mark on me.

It doesn’t hurt anymore, but I still feel it. A scar that is more than physical, worn on my shoulder for the world to see.

It did hurt, a delicious ache that kept you with me… on me… inside me 24/7, at work, at sleep, at play… You probably forgot it, but I couldn’t if I wanted to.

I wonder if you know what it feels like to have someone that close. I wonder if you can fathom how that mark penetrated my heart. I certainly didn’t realize it at the time. It happened slowly, incrementally… Every time my hand distractedly wandered to that place near my neck and felt the bruising, the scab, the swelling. And it made me smile. And it made me vulnerable.

I’m not sure what to do with that feeling now. I’m not sure I would change it if I could. I can only wish that the vulnerability had been acknowledged, even cherished, and that I had felt protected, even for just a little while.

Because whatever happens between us, or has already happened, that mark now has a life of its own, to be explained to any new lover, or even to a discerning casual observer. For me to glimpse at odd moments in the mirror.

Should it represent my naiveté? My vulnerability? My stupidity? Or can it stand for something better? I would really like that.

July 2008