Who can't get no satisfaction?

I took care of the not enough sex problem. In spades!!!

I'm a loser, baby...

Feeling a bit of a loser today. I hate that feeling. It's all part of the ups and downs of my life lately... I know that I create my own situations, I don't have anyone else to blame. But I really wish I could find that quiet place inside myself. That part of me that knows. Knows what to do, what I even want...

I keep playing the field. In itself, that is okay. But then I feel upset that none of these people really cares about me. Well, I'm not entering situations based on caring.

Y. did express quite an ardent desire that I be his sub. But at the same time, I don't get the feeling that he wants to take care of *me* in any way, just wants what I have to offer. I said no. I don't think I really want to belong to anyone... Now I'm peeved that he's not more attentive.

T. never made any promises, nor told any lies... I have no complaints, he's been the realest and the sweetest... But I got offended when he chose to be elsewhere after being away for a couple of weeks, rather than see me! Ha, my ego was bruised :) I mean, I saw him on Saturday, but why should I be alone tonight?

Of course, I originally had other plans. I was supposed to meet someone I've been talking to (N.), and he's married, and I've sworn off married men as not being available enough. But there actually was an emotional connection there, I decided to meet him just to talk, and see what it was or wasn't. Through a series of misunderstandings, he thought I didn't want to see him, and disappeared. And that hurt my feelings. But if you think about it, really, I'm offended that T. didn't want to be my backup plan... I really am a special kind of arrogant slut, LOL

Meanwhile, A. is actually very anxious to see me, explore a real relationship, etc. And I'm totally uninterested. And R. too... So I'm kind of an unsuccessful slut when I think about it. I have all these guys around me, I'm hardly getting laid at all, and I'm emotionally unsatisfied.
And that's why I'm feeling like a loser.

Maybe

Maybe I'm just kinky.
Maybe I'm just horny.
Maybe I'm just a slut.
Maybe I just crave attention.
Maybe I'm just indecisive.
Maybe I'm really a switch.
Maybe I'm an emotional masochist.
Maybe I'm insecure. Maybe I'm arrogant.
Maybe I got bored.
Maybe I need things complicated.
Maybe I'm lonely.
Maybe I'm horny.
Maybe I'm sad.
Maybe I'm impatient.
Maybe I'm too smart for my own good.
Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am.
Or maybe I'm just a horny, kinky, slut.

Handling

No major developments or revelations this week. More like incremental movements. I'm feeling a bit less pressured today. That can change.

Somehow, I've let Erez back into my life. But he's not putting pressure on me now. I think maybe he realizes he was creating expectations based on what he thinks a sub IS or *should be*, and I'm not necessarily any of those things. Now he realizes he wants me in his life, with no predefined roles. So we might even just end up friends (ha). Of course, all this insight is all of a day or two old, and we could easily regress. We'll see.

Meanwhile, Y., the one I thought might have some potential, is backing off a bit, too. Not completely -- just giving me my space. Yay. I need that, and really appreciate it.

Other playmates: T is coming back from his trip to US/Canada on Friday. I guess at this point I'm still not obligated to anyone else, so I plan to see him. I *did* see R, my beginning Dom, the other day. I told him that my relationship with Cafe was over, and he's now making big plans for the two of us... Not sure I want to go there. But the truth is, of everyone, he's the sweetest and nicest guy all-round. I'm just not that interested in him. A bit of sweetness here and there is nice though :) The other young guy -- the one play got too intense with -- I think I'm going to have to cut loose. I don't have the energy to teach him how to be caring as well as cruel, and in spite of all his declarations that he cares about me, wants to develop something serious with me, I don't see it happening based on our history so far. And I'm spread too thin as it is. He is a gorgeous specimen though. Maybe that's been clouding my judgment a bit?

In spite of the fact that I don't really seem to be in any more focus than I was, I actually do feel that I'm slowly getting a handle on myself. Slowly. Though for someone surrounded by all these men I've had only a miniscule amount of sex out of it, lately. Remember why I got into this game to begin with??? Sigh.

But now, I'm not dealing with cat issues, I don't have the flu, I'm over my food poisoning, and my miserable period will be over by tomorrow (hopefully). So this weekend... This weekend...

Better be better!

Venting

These days, I seem to be mostly annoyed, and feeling somewhat numb.

I have gone back to playing, but that is never simple either. I met someone I thought would be fun, and he was, but our playing was more intense somehow than anything I'd experienced before, and I had a terrible case of subdrop -- or perhaps pure depression -- a day or two later, and he wasn't around to help me with it, nor was anyone else.

To make things worse, I've been kind of sick all week, so I'm also physically run down.

Last night I "met" someone else from my forum, and got together with him today. I don't get these Doms who want to OWN me from the first time we meet. So while he has (had?) potential, now I'm feeling pressured, and don't intend to give in to that.

I know I seem to just be complaining complaining complaining. But that's not the point at all. It just seems that if I do nothing, I get restless and lonely, and if I stay "in", I get frustrated. I need to find my balance, and I'm just not there yet.

So I vent here. It's why I started the blog :)

Onward

Erez talked me down from the crisis point last weekend... I felt there had been a strong enough start that the communication should continue, so long as he recognized that things had gone wrong, and why.

But now, in spite of the respite from pressure (he has been making an effort to be supportive), I am not getting the feeling of closeness and excitement that was building up before. So I'm moving on.

To be honest, I just don't think I'm done playing. I can't seem to help myself. Though at the same time, I really am looking for that one man I can give all of myself to. It just isn't easy to find anyone really worthwhile...

The journey continues.

Two down?

The following is something I posted about my prospective Dom (Erez) in a journal on another forum. I'm reposting rather than writing a whole new entry.

I'm struggling with something that over the last few days has touched at the core of how I feel as a submissive, or at least defining myself as such.

I've been in contact with a new Dom . We've been flirting for a while, and he was the one who was there for me when my cat got sick, and then died. So I'm feeling very bound to him. Our few meetings have made me want him very badly.

But most of our contact is by Messenger, and almost every day, in every way, I am feeling judged and tested, and not cherished or accepted. He's given me two assignments -- the first I carried out, though it was difficult for me. Even made me resent him. And when we discussed it, he understood the difficulty, and even apologized for making me do something he thought would be pleasurable but wasn't... But I thought I felt in his tone that he was disappointed in me.

Today he gave me another assignment. I accepted it. But apparently he expected me to jump for joy or thank him. I didn't feel good about the assignment, or bad about it -- just accepting.

And the truth is, I am so tired, so depressed, so stressed, not sleeping nights -- I just can't imagine jumping for joy at anything, never mind a fairly minor assignment. More on my mind are my problems at work, the death of my cat, my exhaustion...

So my questions to myself are: Is my lack of enthusiasm truly a slap in his face? Or is he perhaps expecting too much of me? Am I wrong to expect more cultivation from him?

Because if he's just wrong for me, I want to end it now. But if it's a blip because of circumstances, I want to work through it.

How do I know?

NB: After this, I had another exausting conversation with E, during which he indicated that the fact that I stated a limit he doesn't like is an indication that I don't really want to submit to him, and that I don't really care about his wants and desires. I felt entirely manipulated, because a) He's known about this limit since before we ever became close, so he shouldn't use it against me now, b) I really do have a right to my limits, they have nothing to do with him, c) It was yet another way for him to try and make me feel inadequate... And I sure didn't need any more.

I've pretty much determined that this is just wrong -- a wrong relationship, the wrong Dom. Not what I need right now, anyway. But somehow I'm as indecisive as I ever seem to be, lol, so it might take me another conversation or two to really decide.