Saturday, March 21, 2009


So much has happened.

After my last post, it became clear to me that for whatever reason, I'm not able to disengage from this relationship. So I threw myself into it even more. Committed myself like never before. Even now I can't say why, exactly. Why I was so sure there was something of such supreme value for me to gain from it, or if I was addicted, or weak...

We actually entered a sort of honeymoon period... Which was fantastic for a while. But unsurprisingly, it didn't last. And I became very unhappy again, and it became clearer and clearer that I would have to end it. But still didn't have the strength. I kept pulling in that direction, and not quite getting there. He kept on holding on to me. Until he didn't hold on anymore.

And now it's over.

At first I was happy and relieved. It was a difficult adjustment: I had moved in, and moving back was challenging, and I had removed myself from habits and friends... But it felt right.

Then the depression hit, so I went to Argentina on holiday. I really needed to get away, and I also knew that if I stayed we'd end up seeing each other again, and that didn't feel right. He's the type of man who can't be alone for more than a minute and a half, and I didn't want to be in the middle of all that.

But when I came back from Argentina, I was so sad. And I really missed him. And he really missed me. So now we're doing that dance of seeing each other, but not getting back together. It's emotionally draining. One minute it's amazing -- better than the actual relationship ever was. The next it's the lowest of the lows. And I am in no shape to really handle that.

What is it that makes me unable to disconnect? Is it him? Is it the d/s stuff, am I addicted? Am I weak? Hungry for love? An emotional masochist?

I am so disappointed, in him, in myself... I don't really think that in the end I got from the relationship most of what I came into it for. What I worked so hard for. I'm sure I got a lot out of it, and when the clouds clear up I'll really appreciate it.

But right now things just suck.



Librarian Babe said...

I'm in a somewhat similar situation right now. And boy does it suck. I'm so sorry.

Vestri said...

Sorry to hear it, Babe... Hugs!

moonheart said...

I wish you strength and wisdom dear Vestri. I hope things will be better very soon for you.

Hugs from moonheart

selkie said...

there's nothing simplistic about what enraputures and entwines us with another; ultimately, when the rational part of us questions our actions, our attractions, why we do what we do, say what we say, it doesn't matter; because rationality in the end doesn't overrule a strong emotion. Not right or wrong, sometimes apparently ill conceived and even destructive - at the end, we MUST be getting something out of it.

Just sending hugs .. one confused woman to another.

Anonymous said...

hmm sorry to hear of your situation but my only comment and thought is that if He is not able to control and represent Himself as a responsible mature Dom that can control His drinking, then how in the world do you think He can make positive good choices for you? They lead us through their actions, if you have doubts i wouldn't consider staying in a relationship especially a D/s relationship where He controls so much of you and your life. I hoe you find that happiness that you deserve. love ~bree~